Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words

THANK YOU.

WHEN I SAY HEY, YOU SAY HO.

HEY. HO!

HEY. HO!

THAT'S BASICALLY HOW HITLER ROSE TO POWER.

(laughter, soft piano music plays)

"WHAT UP, JAMAL?"

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

MY EX-GIRLFRIEND HAD A REALLY WEIRD FETISH.

SHE USED TO LIKE TO DRESS UP AS HERSELF

AND THEN ACT LIKE A FUCKIN' BITCH ALL THE TIME.

BUT YOU KNOW, THEY SAY IF YOU WANNA KNOW

WHAT A GIRL'S GONNA LOOK LIKE, LOOK AT HER MOTHER,

YOU KNOW, SO I'M SO GLAD I BROKE UP WITH HER,

'CAUSE SHE WOULD'VE BEEN, YOU KNOW...

DEAD.

I WANT YOUR BABY!

I'M KEEPING HIM.

GUYS, I'M A REALIST! I'M A REALIST.

I TRY NOT TO ROMANTICIZE REALITY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS,

YOU PROBABLY JUST FOUND LEMONS.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME,

I DON'T DENY THE BEAUTY IN THE WORLD

'CAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH BEAUTY, BECAUSE LIFE

CAN BE SO SYMMETRICAL,

IT GIVES BIRTH TO THIS ALMOST SILENT POETRY,

YOU KNOW, LIKE A HERMAPHRODITE PLAYING THE KEYTAR,

OR A YOUNG AMISH BOY TRYING TO BLOW OUT THE LIGHT BULBS

ON HIS BIRTHDAY CAKE,

OR A GIRL--A GIRL WHO'S TERRIBLE AT GRAMMAR

SAYING, "MAMA, YOU RAISED ME GOOD."

AND THEN BEING PUSHED DOWN A WELL.

SYMMETRY.

HERE'S SOME RACIAL HUMOR FOR YOU.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS-- "EH."

BLACK PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS-- "WHA."

WE'RE DESTINED TO FIGHT FOREVER. BLOOD IN THE STREETS.

IF I HAD A DIME--HA!

IF I HAD A DIME FOR EVERY TIME A HOMELESS GUY

ASKED ME FOR CHANGE, I'D STILL SAY, "NO."

NO. NOPE.

YO' MAMA SO FAT! YO' MAMA SO UGLY!

YO' MAMA SO STUPID!

YOUR MOTHER'S BREASTS SAG WITH SUCH SEVERITY

THAT THE LATE GREAT SURREALIST ARTIST SALVADOR DALI

MISTOOK THEM FOR CLOCKS.

UM, THANK YOU.

I--I BELIEVE--

I BELIEVE FIRMLY THAT WOMEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.

I DO. I DO.

OH, I SHOULD REPHRASE THAT.

I, UH...

DON'T.

THIS SONG IS CALLED "MEN AND WOMEN"!

IT'S CUTE.

WHAT?

I DON'T.

IT'S TRUE.

THANKS.

THANK YOU.

PICK THAT WEDGE!

(audience member wolf whistles)

I'M 19 YEARS OLD. I'M A YOUNG COMEDIAN.

I HATE THAT TERM "YOUNG COMEDIAN."

I PREFER "PRODIGY."