Brooklyn Nine-Nine

No! No, no, no!

You can't take her from me, you bastard!

Don't do this, Scully.

You have to be strong for her right now.

What's going on?

Unit's being replaced.

Come on! No!

That machine's been here forever.

It's basically part of the force.

Take Scully instead.

Yes, please, take me to the land of vending machines.

Can we at least have five minutes to say a proper good-bye?

Whatever.

Let me just start by saying

that this machine is the best restaurant in Brooklyn,

and it always had a table for me.

I knew just where to punch it to get free food.

Now I have to go back to punching Hitchcock.

Look, she still has the bags of baby carrots

I requested they put in.

They're black now, but they're there.

Good-bye, beautiful machine.

Thank you for your service.

Okay, squad salute.

You can take her away now.

Well, I think we handled that with dignity.

Free candy!

Okay, Nine-Nine, say hello to Michael Augustine,

Brooklyn's most prolific identity thief.

Last week, he walked into a government building

and stole a computer containing

over 100,000 social security numbers.

My C.I. says that tonight Augustine

will be handing off the laptop to a buyer from China,

AKA the Land of Dragons.

Make sure that phrase is not in your official report.

Okay, sorry, The Country of Dragons.

I want you and Santiago to tail Augustine

until he makes the drop, and then arrest him and the buyer.

Sounds good, although I could probably just take Boyle.

I know Amy has a ton of work, so...

- No, I don't. - Really?

I could have sworn I overheard you telling Rosa,

"Girlfriend, please.

I got hella open cases."

That's something you think I said?

Word for word.

No diggity, no doubt.

That's enough.

Peralta and Santiago will tail Augustine.

Boyle and Diaz will join them in a surveillance van

unless you have a problem with that.

Sounds great.

In the immortal words of Amy Santiago,

"Girlfriend, please."

Hey, did I do something to you?

Are you mad?

Is this because I brushed all the crumbs off your desk?

What? No, I don't care about that.

- Do you know where they are? - In the trash.

All right, if it's not that,

then why are you trying to keep me off this case?

Oh, that.

All right, look, the reason that I didn't want

to work with you is... should I do this in an accent

so that I can undercut some of the awkwardness I'm feeling?

- No. - Good call.

Remember when you told me that you didn't want to date cops?

That really bummed me out, man.

- Jamaican? - Yeah, it was a bad choice.

I'm much better at German.

All right, fine.

I was kind of thinking about asking you out.

Oh, okay.

But I know that that's not what you want,

and I totally get it.

I think it just took me a while to totally-totally get it,

and now I totally get it.

Jake, this is weird.

The whole point of me not dating cops

is so it wouldn't be weird at work.

Okay, so let's just make it not weird, right?

This is a case; we work cases together all the time,

and we're really good at it, so, you know, we're professionals.

That's all I want, for us to be professional.

We're in agreement.

It will be good and professional.

Come in and shut the door.

I have some news, which you must promise to keep secret.

Madeline Wuntch is making me head of public relations

for the NYPD.

I'm being forced out of the Nine-Nine.

I don't wish to make a big deal of it,

so please limit your reactions to one second; go.

- What in the world? - Are you kidding?

That's plenty.

You can't leave us.

I'm not going anywhere.

Madeline's not some invincible succubus.

She's a regular succubus, and she can be defeated.

We just need to find the letter.

What letter?

Before our current police commissioner was hired,

a mutual friend told me Madeline wrote a letter to the mayor

telling him it was a mistake.

She apparently called her now-boss a "simpering buffoon".

Amateur; always say your insults to someone's face.

No paper trail.

A copy of that letter exists in the mayor's archives.

I can't go snooping around without alerting Madeline,

so it won't be easy, and we don't have much time,

but I need you to find that letter.

Are you with me?

Oh, hell yeah.

I'm turning my phone into airplane mode.

Oh, my God, she doesn't even do that on airplanes.

Rosa,

I know you don't like anyone wishing you a happy birthday,

so crappy day to you.

Still too much.

I assume you're not doing anything to celebrate tonight.

Anyone over the age of six celebrating

a birthday should go to hell.

So since you're free, I need your help moving

this old Ms. Pac-Man machine I just bought.

Why are you so obsessed with that game?

Because it's the sexiest video game ever.

She's insatiable, Rosa.

Insatiable. Insatiab...

Stop saying "insatiable."

Anyway, I bought this old machine from a bar,

and I was hoping you'd help me move it.

- You want me to go to a bar? - Mm-hmm.

You are obviously trying to get me

to go to a surprise party.

Did Marcus put you up to this?

What? No, that's crazy talking.

We just need to be there at exactly 9:45 p.m.

and not a minute earlier.

Also, there's a particular door I want us to enter through.

Why is he getting out here?

I thought your C.I. said the drop was happening in a park.

Maybe he's having dinner with his sidepiece first.

Augustine has the laptop with him.

We should just arrest him right here.

No, the buyer's the bigger collar.

We've got to follow him in and wait for the handoff.

Okay, if you're going in,

I've heard this place has an amazing bone marrow custard.

Not that I've ever had a bad one.

No. All right, let's go.

No, wait, we look like cops.

We're never gonna blend in dressed like this.

Okay, there, how's that?

Uh, I don't know.

All I see is clothes hanging off of a genderless blob.

You look fine. Here, wear this.

Jake, you need a jacket or something.

Well, Scully left his sports coat back there.

Oh, but it will never fit Jake's athletic body.

- Unless... - No, I don't want to do that.

- You have to. - I'm not gonna do it.

You're doing it.

What? What do you have to do?

Don Johnson it.

Don Johnson it!

I look like an idiot.

I didn't even have time to lotion my forearms.

It's so weird wearing Rosa's jacket.

There's a piece of barbed wire in the pocket.

Cool.

All right, do you have a visual on... the hostess stand?

Hi. Table for two, please.

I'm so sorry. There's nothing available.

We're totally booked up.

Oh, no, that's horrible.

Tonight's a really important night for us.

Johnny and I just got engaged,

and this is where our first date was.

Oh, yeah, it would mean so much to Dora and me.

I would have made a reservation,

but I didn't know if she was gonna say yes, so...

Oh, I love how nervous you were, you little goose.

You are just so sweet together.

You know, I'm sure I can find room for two young lovers.

Yeah, we are lovers... together... in beds.

Okay.

Thank you so much for waiting.

- Your table is almost ready. - Great.

Sorry about springing the engagement

and romantic stuff on you.

No, no, no. That was great.

I mean, it's what got us in here.

Cheek kiss was a bit much. Very wet.

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

Dora's sloppy.

Okay, and if you'll just follow me.

Well, the honeymoon's over, Dora.

We're back to being Jake and Amy,

two normal cops working a job.