The Grand Tour

Hello, everybody.

Hello. Hello.

Greetings!

That doesn't get any worse.

Hello.

Hello, and welcome!

Welcome to The Grand Tour,

which, once again, comes to you

from the shores of Loch Ness in Scotland.

Now...

The reason why we're still here is,

after last week's show,

these two got talking to a man in the local town,

who has convinced them that,

in that lake, there is a monster.

Well, there is a monster.

Have you seen it?

No, but the man was very convincing.

Did he sell you a tea towel

with a drawing of the monster on it?

He did, and now we know what the monster looks like.

Exactly. We've also got photographs of the monster.

- Look, we've got this one. - That's a log.

And we've got this one. Look at that!

- Monster. - Another log.

Can I just draw your attention to a picture I've got? Here it is.

Well, that's not a monster, is it?

No, that is an elephant shrew. Well spotted.

Now, this is the Nissan GT-R among animals.

Have you ever seen it on the move? It's phenomenal!

It leaves a rooster tail and it corners like it's got downforce.

But my point is, this is a very rare animal,

and yet the photograph of it is in sharp focus and colour.

Now, all the pictures of your monster are in black and white.

- Well, maybe it is black and white. - And blurry.

Maybe it's blurry.

This has been driving me mad all week, so I decided

to go for a drive on some of Scotland's, let's be honest,

brilliant driving roads.

- They are... They are fantastic.

And actually, speaking of which,

something called the North Highland Initiative,

set up by Prince Charles,

a few years ago it came up with the North Coast 500.

Now, this was going to be Scotland's answer to Route 66 in America.

Miles of amazing scenery. Incredible road.

Got a picture of a bit of it here.

Look at that.

Huge success.

Loads of big spenders came

with their Lamborghinis, and their Ferraris and their Porsches.

Hotels were full, restaurants were packed.

Local economy booming.

So how long do you think it was

before the local newspaper

carried a headline containing the following words:

"police" and "crackdown"?

Ten days.

- Two days. - Two days.

"Oh, we can't have people driving along that!

You might run into a pedestrian!"

It's a road!

I know it is. And then you've got the A9.

Ninety-nine miles of continuous average speed camera.

- Ninety-nine? - Ninety-nine miles.

Now, I'm sorry, you lot, I presume you're all petrolheads, yes?

Yes!

So let me ask you a question.

Dying in your beds,

many years from now...

...would you be willing to trade all the days,

from this day to that,

for one chance,

just one chance,

to come back and say to the Scottish Safety Camera Partnership,

"You can take our licences,

but you can't take our freedom"?

Freedom! Freedom!

Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

Now look what you've done!

Thank you.

Look what you've done!

- I know. - That's dangerous!

- I know. - Let's get on with the show.

Yes. In tonight's car programme...

An ant in a jar.

A dog on a lead.

And some beans on a table.

But first,

when someone wants to buy

a large and very fast saloon car,

they tend to buy German.

They think there is no alternative.

But is there?

This is the Lexus GS F.

And straight away, we can see that it isn't an especially handsome car.

And it's a Lexus,

which marks its owner out as a golf enthusiast

and possibly... a bore.

And things are worse

when you try to live with it for a while.

The most annoying thing, apart from the buttons on the steering wheel,

all of which seem to retune the radio to a station you don't like very much,

apart from that, every time you reach for

a can of zesty drink in the cup holder...

I've done it again!

You can't help but nudge the mouse

which sets the destination on the satnav

to where you are.

In 300 yards, right turn.

I don't need to be told how to get here.

I'm already here.

Next right, then right turn.

Oh, God. Now it's trying to make me go back there a few yards.

I was there!

So, apart from a fiddly and annoying satnav...

Next right, then right turn.

...what else do you get for your £70,000?

Er... Not much, really.

Er... You don't get Wi-Fi

or Apple CarPlay, or gesture control.

You don't even get a DSG gearbox.

Seats don't massage you as you drive along,

it can't park itself.

Erm...

But you do get a DVD player.

And how 1996 is that?

This car, then, is sparsely equipped and annoying.

However, it's also rather good.

First of all, there's the engine.

BMW and Mercedes both use turbocharging

to balance the need for power

with the need for good emissions...

but this doesn't.

This mixes the fuel with the air,

and then, with no trickery at all,

blows it up!

Of course, that does mean

the GS F isn't very kind to animals.

And that's a bad thing, make no mistake.

But on the upside,

listen to the noise it makes!

At medium revs, it sounds baleful,

like a... lonely dog.

But when you build the revs up, it sounds like what it is:

a normally aspirated five-litre V8.

It doesn't produce anything like the power or the torque

you get from its turbocharged German rivals,

but for sheer excitement...

It's like being tickled by a goddess.

And it's not exactly slow.

It does 0-60 in four-and-a-half seconds.

And flat out, it'll do nearly 170 miles an hour.

And then there's the handling.

It's hard to believe that this is a large

and extremely comfortable five-seater

with a boot that's big enough for your golf bats

and all your Freemasonry paraphernalia,

because... it feels like a sports car.

You can change the way the car behaves

with various knobs here and buttons here,

but I've got everything turned off

so I can get a feel for how the car behaves

without an electronic safety blanket.

And I like it!

Look at that.

The steering's not brilliant at low speeds,

but when you've got the arse hanging out like that...

it's fantastic!

Yes!

Time for another zesty drink.

Oh, damn it!

- In 300 yards... - I know where I am!

Next right. Then right turn.

Oh, for God's sake!

For living with on a day-to-day basis,

German cars are far better.

But as a driving machine, and you may find this conclusion surprising...

I think the GS F has them licked.

Well, well.

Now...

Now, I should point out, there is a new BMW M5 coming later this year,

but it'll have to go some to be better than that GS F.

- It really will. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But exactly how many animals were harmed in the making of it?

- A lot! - One of them was a tortoise!

I know. Let's gloss over that, OK?

And let's find out now how fast the Lexus goes round the Eboladrome.

And that, of course, means handing it over to a man

who thinks that fruit is from the Soviet Union.

Yeah, it's the American.

He's coiled and ready.

And he's off!

Unleashing all the 471 wailing horsepower

for the first sprint of the Isn't Straight.

What the hell does all this shit do in here?

All he needs is two pedals and a wheel

to unleash the full shock and awe.

Traction control?

If you want something with a mind of its own...