Five Graves to Cairo

Stebbins!

Stebbins!

Abbott!

Fitch, stop the tank!

They've got the exhaust.

Fitch!

Lieutenant!

Sentry, is this Divisional Headquarters?

I said, is this Divisional Headquarters?

I wish to speak to the commanding officer.

Quickly, please.

Cold in here.

Could I borrow a coat?

Or perhaps you have a bed with blankets.

About six blankets.

A feather bed on top and a hot toddy inside.

That's right, that's right.

Corporal John Bramble reporting, sir.

Royal Tank Regiment stationed in Tobruk.

You been in Tobruk, sir?

Hot as a blister on a devil's heel.

We joined operations last night near Bir Hakeim.

Looked like a frolic, sir.

We thought we had those German tanks on the run.

Then the 88s...

Their formation split wide open,

and there were the 88s right against our belly, sir.

Very clever, this blasted Herr Rommel.

Thirty shells a minute.

Oh yes, sir, we pulled out all right, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Ever see a five-passenger hearse, sir, doing the Lambeth Walk,

the exhaust hit and going psss...

Listen, please.

The British, the British aren't here anymore.

- They left. - Stebbins dead.

Fitch dead. Abbott dead.

- Yes, sir, but no English... - O'Connor, dead.

All of them driving themselves to the funeral.

That's service, sir.

You've had too much sun.

Mouche, Mouche, sunstroke, bring water and salt.

Is there transportation back to Tobruk?

Oh, but, sir, there is no more Tobruk, sir.

No, sir. They've taken Tobruk.

I was on the bus once that went wild in Piccadilly.

It was raining.

Umbrellas.

Wet umbrellas.

The British have evacuated.

This is Sidi Halfaya, sir.

An Englishman's home is his umbrella.

This is Hotel Empress of Britain, sir.

Sidi Halfaya, sir.

And his pipe is his fireplace.

Five little Britishers riding in the sun.

Out hunting Jerries, and then there was one.

One.

That's close to zero.

Hello, miss.

Women at headquarters now?

Where is the Commanding Officer?

I was speaking with the Commanding Officer.

No, sir, please.

I must rejoin my outfit.

Abbott! Stebbins! Fitch!

Mister!

Our new guests.

Sir, sir, get up quick.

Sir, you can't do that, sir.

This is no time, sir.

Here, come to yourself, sir.

Come to yourself, sir.

Wake up.

Wake up, for mercy's sake.

Wake up.

You've got to get out, sir.

The Germans are here.

Hey, sir!

I wouldn't do that, Farid.

But who, where?

Where else can I put him, Mouche?

Right in the middle of the floor.

Oh, no, no, no.

They'll see him. They'll shoot him.

And now they'd shoot you too.

As-salamu alaykum.

Good afternoon.

Perhaps we're a little late for tea?

Tea? Well, you see...

Isn't this tea time?

Or maybe she's knitting.

Maybe she's taking a little nap.

Where is she?

Where is she... Where is she who, sir?

There is nobody in the hotel, sir.

Don't tell me she ran off to Cairo with her teeth chattering.

Who please, sir?

The Empress of Britain.

I didn't name it that, sir, honest, I didn't.

That was the name of the hot... Hotel, when I bought it, sir.

Water.

Yes, sir. Please, this way, sir.

Your name is Farid?

Yes, sir. My name Farid.

- You're Egyptian. - Oh, yes, sir, yes.

Only because my parents were Egyptian, sir.

Nothing wrong with Egypt.

Oh no, nothing, sir.

Except too many English and too many flies.

Yes, sir.

We've been killing the English like flies.

Later we'll kill the flies like the English.

Yes, sir.

You've a native cook by the name of Berek.

Terek, sir, Terek. Yes, sir.

But he run away this morning with the British to Alexandria.

- You have a wife. - Oh, yes sir, yes, but she run away, sir.

With the British to Alexandria?

No, sir.

With a Greek to Casablanca.

There's a maid by the name of Marie Jacqueline.

They call me Mouche.

French citizen, born in Marseilles.

Ha, informed of everything.

We'd rather like to know where the light switch is

before we enter a dark room.

And there's a waiter here, Alsatian, by the name of Paul Davos.

Yes, sir. He was killed, sir.

- By whom? - By you, sir.

In the bombing when your planes came over last night.

You know, your beautiful planes.

What's a French maid doing in Egypt?

- Housework. - What's the matter with housework in Paris?

In Paris there are one million French chambermaids.

There is only one Mouche in Sidi Halfaya.

Only... only one, sir.

The cook ran away this morning to Alexandria.

Why didn't you?

What for?

You take Alexandria.

You take Cairo.

Naturally.

Turn around.

Turn around!

- Cigarette. - Yes, sir. Just a minute.

You light it for me, please.

Your hands are very small.

It's been a long time since I've seen such a small hand.

Thank you.

Always attack quickly.

Don't give the British time to pack up their soap.

Excellent soap.

Smells of Bond Street.

How many rooms in this hotel, exactly?

This is the largest hotel, sir, between Alexandria and Benghazi.

- How many, I said. - Sixteen, sir, sixteen.

But, of course, we lost four in the bombardment.

- Bathrooms? - Oh, yes, of course, sir.

- Everything the most luxurious. - How many?

- Uh, two. - One that works.

- Yes. - Luxurious indeed.

Or was the word luxious?

Oh, sir...

Mr. Lieutenant, the rooms.

Maybe you would like to see the rooms?

Maybe.

Full of bedbugs, I'm sure.

Yes, sir, full of bedbugs.

You see, we have the most wonderful...

Oh, no, no, no, sir.

We have absolutely no bedbugs, not one, sir.

I swear we have no bedbugs.

Well, you see, this is the only hotel between Alexandria and Benghazi.

We have no bedbugs.

I swear we have maybe one or two in the cheaper rooms, sir.

Now look here, man, bedbugs, broken down bathrooms and all,

we are taking over the Empress of Britain

as our temporary headquarters.

Yes, sir. Great honor, sir.

I expect your fullest cooperation.

Should there be any irregularities, you'll be held responsible.

Our complaints are brief and we make them against the nearest wall.

Yes, as though he had to warn us.

He's warning you!

I'm only a servant here.

The rooms immediately adjacent to the good bathroom

will be occupied by the German High Command.

- German, yes, sir. - The one with the bathroom

which doesn't work goes to the Italian general.

The Italian, sir.

Uh, maybe... maybe it would be better in the restaurant, sir.

There are many tables.

There are large tables.

Tables in the restaurant to eat.

Well, don't stand around.

The rooms upstairs, are they ready for the High Command?

- They will. - We've been going around all day, sir,

cleaning up after your planes.

Well, go ahead.