Puffs: Filmed Live Off Broadway

(playful upbeat music with clapping on beat)

Attention, students,

reminder that the upcoming test will determine

your eligibility for any job in your future.

I best recommend studying.

(playful upbeat music with clapping on beat)

All right, settle down, enough chit chat.

You out there watching, wherever you are, you shush too.

Welcome to Puffs, live off Broadway,

and welcome to a certain school of magic and magic.

A few announcements.

First off, in case you were not aware, Puffs is a play,

a play that has been filmed,

but just because you may not be in a theater

watching this theatrical performance

does not mean you can't have all the fun that comes with.

So please, unwrap your candies now,

and if you find yourself in need of using the loo,

be sure to make a big show of it.

Now sit back, relax, extend your ears, and enjoy Puffs,

Puffs, Puffs,

Puffs, Puffs, Puffs.

Heroes, made, not born.

Except sometimes, they are born, on a gloomy night,

in a far away magical land called England.

Oh, a giant!

Aw, a baby!

His parents, dead, but he lives.

He is the Boy Who Lives.

He has a scar on his forehead, shaped like, well,

you know.

You get it?

You are familiar with this boy, hmm?

Well, forget about him! - Goodbye!

This story is not about him.

Ah, another orphan.

His parents also dead,

killed in a freak chocolate frog accident.

Please, don't ask.

This boy was whisked away to live with his uncle

in the even more magical land of

Cattlepoke Springs, New Mexico.

Yee-haw!

Oh, no!

Where the boy grows up.

And up until a few weeks ago, this now 11-year-old boy

had only the regular problems of a child in 1991.

Aw, man!

Uncle Dave, a bird just flew into our living room

and dropped a letter that says I'm a wizard

and I need to go to school in England.

What kind of bird?

An owl, I think.

Oh, my God, I forgot to tell you.

You're a wizard, Wayne!

Also, wizards exist and you are one,

just like your British parents.

Oh, shit!

Your parents were British!

Wow, we gotta talk more.

Come on, I'll drive you to the airport.

And before he knew it, after a confusing

train station experience.

Wayne found himself at the gates of a certain school

of female magic and male magic,

where he would spend the next seven years.

Tonight, we'll be taking an incredibly in-depth look

at those seven years over the next five hours

split into two parts.

What?

90-ish minutes?

Oh, tonight we'll be taking a look at those seven years,

seven years that were, in one word, eventful.

It begins as these stories tend to begin, with a sorting!

Finnegan, Seamus!

Brave!

Goldstein, Anthony.

Smart!

It just says Goyle.

- Goyle. - Snake!

Granger, Her, Her-mee-oh-nay?

- Question, hypothetical, what if I don't have

enough of a personality for the magical talking hat

to sort me?

Like, how much authority does the hat actually have?

Never mind.

This place is pretty crazy, huh?

I never thought I'd go to school in a castle.

Pretty cool!

I never really liked regular school, people were mean to me.

I'm sorry, I'm talking too much.

You probably have all your own nervous thoughts going on.

Can I tell you something?

I think I might be special.

I mean, I watch a lot of movies and read a lot of books,

and it's like, normal boy finds out

that he actually has amazing abilities and gets swept away

to a new magical world!

Does that sound familiar?

'Cause that is now my actual life,

and that kid, through some incredible circumstance

always ends up becoming, like, the most important person,

like, in the whole world, a sort of Chosen One!

Magic is real and this orphaned boy wizard

is ready for seven years of amazing adventures!

- (clears throat) Mr. Potter.

Oh, excuse me!

Oh, no, Hat, not that, anything but that, please!

Brave!

Oh, um, another one.

Uh, student.

Wayne Hopkins.

Sure, come on.

Puff!

Boo, the Puffs!

Spoiler alert, not everyone's favorite,

but when a hat speaks, you listen.

And the new recruits were quickly whisked away

to a quaint little basement somewhere near the kitchens.

Welcome to what I like to call Year One:

The Puffs and the Sorcerer's Attempt at Earning Points

and Making Friends.

Guys, guess what!

We're all wizards!

Yeah.

Oh, we should all introduce ourselves!

My name is J. Finch Fletchley.

I'm boyish and fun.

Hi!

I'm Susie Bones, once upon a time,

my entire family was murdered, except for my aunt.

Hi!

- I'm Wayne, I've read The Silmarillion, twice.

Hi!

- I'm Sally Perks, and I go to this school!

Hi!

Who's that?

Oh, it's me, Ernie Mac.

I'm basically the best, so hi.

(laughing) Hi!

Who's that?

It's me, Hannah.

I'm Hannah.

Hi!

- I was raised in a cabin by my grandparents,

and you're the first other children that I've ever seen,

and I'm a wizard!

And my name is Leanne!

Hi!

- Um, Oliver Rivers, and I'm just here to keep my head down

and get a fundamental understanding of wizarding basics.

Hi!

Megan Jones!

Yep, that's right, just so we're clear, I'm not like you,

any of you, so leave me alone!

Hi!

And my name is Cedric!

Thanks, now, gather round, don't be shy.

Welcome to the Puffs!

Hi!

- Just a few things to get you acquainted to the school.

First, the stairs move.

Don't freak out, just breathe.

Second, the Puffs don't exactly have

the best reputation here.

People will make jokes about you,

throw food at you,

or they might curse you.

In fact, here is a list of curses

you can expect to be hit by at some point in the next week.

But none of that matters because, really,

we're a bunch of nice, fun, happy people!

Also, badgers!

Badgers are great.

That being said, there's something very important

we need to discuss.

What do you think the most important part

of magic school is?

- Learning magic! - Wrong.

The House Cup.

Here, you earn points for doing something right,

and you lose them for doing something wrong.

Puffs have come in last place in the House Cup for ever,

but together, we're going to change that.

This year, we're going to win.