M*A*S*H

How about that? Weren't they wonderful?

Hey, whaddaya say out there?

How about that, huh?

Let's hear it out there.

The lovely Miller Sisters.

See you later, girls. Go to my dressing room and lie down.

They really are wonderful,

and it's a lot of fun traveling with them.

Of course, they keep us in separate cages.

Not that I can't be trusted.

I happen to be married

to a woman who's a terrific sport.

She even looks like Joe DiMaggio.

Joe DiMaggio? Yeah, she's so ugly that‐‐

Anybody out there, or have we been captured?

But all kidding aside,

I just want to say to all you guys and nurses

what a thrill it is to be here in Korea with you.

I mean, we're all in this together, right?

That guy's first. Get this guy inside.

We're debride his leg under local.

Give him a third of a grain of morphine.

Hold on, Pierce. A quarter of a grain's enough.

‐A third. ‐Stop!

Are you going over my head?

No, just through the hole in it.

‐Go ahead. ‐Now you hold it!

And that's an order!

Move! That's a threat!

This happens to be a gold oak leaf.

I thought it was a little big for dandruff.

Look, Frank, he's a big guy. He's in severe pain.

He can handle a third of a grain.

If not, there's an anesthesiologist inside

to support breathing. Go do what I said.

I'll take responsibility.

Informed opinion says a quarter.

Informed opinion wasn't lying on a stretcher

with a boot full of blood.

You've insulted me in the presence of others

for the last time.

Don't forget your hat, Frank.

So this guy with laryngitis,

he goes to the doctor's office, he walks in,

and he sees a beautiful nurse. But I mean beautiful.

I mean, she's built like a brick hospital.

Ha ha ha. Down, Charlie.

So he walks in, the guy with laryngitis,

and he says, (whisper) "Is the doctor in?"

And the nurse winks and says "No, come on in."

Yeah, but really, though,

I know how hard you medics and nurses really work.

I really do. Although...

I wouldn't mind being paid for playin' doctor, though.

‐I can tell you that. ‐(rim shot)

How am I doin'?

Not too good, Trapper.

His BP's low.

His pulse is rapid.

Give me another unit of blood.

I gotta go into his chest.

This could take a while.

I hope he doesn't have a late date.

Is it absolutely necessary to make

bad jokes while you're operating?

Absolutely.

‐Scalpel. ‐Scalpel.

I've found it invaluable to make bad jokes

ever since I did my first autopsy

when my colleagues put a kidney under my cap.

‐Sponge. ‐Sponge.

Okay, how am I doin' now?

You're fine. He's in trouble.

Can I be of any help?

You can pray for me to become a better doctor

in the next five minutes.

Excuse me, Father.

Why aren't you out there at the switchboard?

Well, you asked me to come in the office.

Well, they could phone about my wife at any minute.

Well, you just spoke to the hospital.

She hasn't even gone into labor yet.

Don't argue with me!

It's bad enough that she's having a baby

and I can't even be there with her.

Yes, sir.

Well, at least you were there for the important part.

You know that ancient joke about the guy

who saves his regiment? Shoots the cook?

No, how's it go?

Uh, Kaplan, pass the salt.

No.

I beg your pardon?

You're looking at one dentist

who's not touching anything

that hasn't been checked by the bomb squad.

You been taking rides in your chair again, Kaplan?

You know that makes you dizzy.

Reach into my pocket.

I hardly know you.

My shirt pocket.

Those are my travel orders. I'm going home today.

No kidding.

You mind if I look at these for drooling purposes?

You unfold it. If I do it,

I could get a paper cut.

I'm not having any last‐minute infections.

Aren't you stretching things a bit?

I haven't even used the latrine in 18 hours.

Now that's something I didn't have to know.

In my pocket.

Can't be too careful.

Friend of mine got his orders,

broke his leg the next day.

Got it tangled in a nurse at his farewell party.

Well, you got a good point there, Kaplan.

Good luck.

You're not eating, Father.

You know something I don't know?

Something's troubling me, Hawkeye.

Think of me as your mother, Father.

May I make a confession?

As long as you don't use any real names.

For some time now, I've been comparing

the disparity of our callings.

Doctor versus priest.

You fellows are always able to see

the end result of your work.

I mean, you know immediately

if you've been successful.

For me, the results are far less tangible.

Sometimes‐‐ most of the time‐‐

I‐I honestly don't know whether I'm doing any good or not.

I used to have a professor in med school

who always said, "God cures the patients,

"but the doctor takes the fee."

Do you think that's true?

I'm able to do a lot of things in surgery

that I'm not really good enough to do.

Thanks, Hawkeye.

‐Give me some suction. ‐Yes, Doctor.

Feels like someone used my eyeballs for a teabag.

Nurse!

Trapper, you better not be much longer.

‐Clamp? ‐Clamp. Thanks.

Okay, come on. Stay with us, will ya?

Hello? Hello, uh, Bloomington, Illinois?

Uh, yes, General Hospital?

You got them?

Uh, I'm calling about Mrs. Henry Blake.

Uh, Maternity.

Ah, right. She's pregnant...

you know, with a baby.

Yeah? Well, okay, okay.

They're ringing her room.

Boy, can you imagine? Can you imagine?

I am becoming a father for the third time.

‐Oh, yes, sir. ‐"Oh, yes, sir" is right.

They know what causes that now.

‐What are they doing? ‐Hello? Yes?

I'm still holding, operator.

Why am I so nervous?

For gosh sakes, she's got the best obstetrician in town,

Marv Handleman.

He could deliver a baby with his eyes shut.

That's the only way I'd do it, sir.

Yes? What?

Are you sure?

‐Uh, sir? ‐What?

She's not there anymore.

What d'ya mean, she's not there anymore?

Uh, w‐w‐we'll get right back to ya.

‐I‐I just‐‐ ‐No, it's all right.

Uh, they sent her home.

She had a false labor.

She had a what?

A false labor?

‐Radar? ‐Steady, sir.

‐I'm not gonna make it. ‐Steady, sir.

Just sit. Okay.