Billy Connolly: It’s Been a Pleasure...

Ladies and gentleman, will you please welcome Billy Connolly?

Ladies and gentleman, will you please welcome Billy Connolly?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Who discovered we could get milk from cows?

And what did they think he was doing at the time?

LAUGHTER

Billy Connolly...

..he stands there for three hours, and you don't stop laughing.

Help! Help!

There's stuff coming out my willy.

Fearless, utterly fearless.

He can get away with anything, can't he?

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight,

don't eat anything that comes in a bucket.

Billy is the one and he is the only.

Billy doesn't fit any kind of label regarding what a comedian is.

You Billy Connolly? Aye.

How you doing?

There is no sentence that could do him justice.

I don't think any would argue with me saying

Billy Connolly is Scottish.

A total twat. Oh, no, did I say that?

He is an enigma.

I love him.

He is everything I wanna be.

The world would be a better place...

I wanna be a big, tall...

..if I was in charge.

..white Scotsman.

Do you feel beautiful?

I'm fabulous.

I'm come over all fabulous.

Hello.

Hello, hello.

Thank you very much.

Jesus, what a welcome, thanks very much.

I've done my stand-up. I did it for 50 years.

I did it quite well.

And it's time to stop.

Tonight, you may find that you say the word "fuck"

a little more than you used to.

Where before, you would go, "Taxi!

"Argh! They never to seem to see me.

"I seem to be bloody invisible or something."

Tonight, you might find you go, "Taxi! Oh, fuck you!"

Don't worry about it. It goes away.

I'm the one who's going to hell, you were only watching.

My illness, my Parkinson's Disease, has rendered me different.

You're only doing that cos I'm not well.

LAUGHTER

It would either mean renewing what I do

and doing something else,

or give up what I did, and that's what I've done.

The fact that Billy's not gonna do stand-up any more,

if anyone complains about that...

He's done a lot for us. He's given a lot.

I don't imagine that he's being sentimental or mawkish about it.

And he has delivered the catalogue, the content, the opus.

We'll just have to look at all his old stuff.

There's so much material out there, that he'll be ever-present, I think.

Did your parents ask you to have clean underwear,

in case you were in an accident?

Can you imagine, you were in an accident

and your father goes to see you in the hospital,

"How's my boy?"

"Oh, Mr Connolly, he's in a terrible state.

"He's just been hit by a double-decker bus, you know.

"He's in intensive care.

"I don't even know if I should let you in to see him.

"Incidentally, his underwear was a fucking disgrace."

So would yours be,

if you saw a big fucking bus coming towards you!

For Christ's sake.

Billy Connolly's fan base is absolutely everybody,

which is unheard of.

He knows what's on your mind,

and he's going to tell you what's on your mind.

And it's gonna be funny.

He's got such a naughty twinkle, Billy.

And it is that infectious love of life that, I think,

is the reason why everyone warms to him.

Never trust a man who,

when left alone in the room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on.

There's no-one like him. He's a raconteur.

He doesn't rely on jokes.

He relies on his brilliant observation.

A scrotum is an ugly piece of stuff.

It's like a hairy brain.

It's just everyday life he's talking about.

I thought, "No wonder they keep it tucked away in a corner."

It's a design fault.

And I always imagine, when bodies were being designed,

that happened, the fault.

"Er, God?" "What is it?"

"I've got a lot of elbow skin left. What are we going to do with it?"

"Make wee bags.

"We'll put the balls in them.

"Saves them carrying them around in their hand."

But it didn't work, did it?

Men just love it.

Some more than others. Italian men do it all...

They seem to find a constant need for adjustment, you know?

And it's like lightning. It's barely noticeable at all.

Italian waiters, "So, that's two antipasta, two soup.

"Oh, and one, did you want the pate?

"That's fine, that's pate. Now, what about main course?"

A lot of it's to do with the accuracy of his observation,

not just about how we speak and behave, but physically.

There must be a tendon connected to this cheek.

It's so pitch-perfect,

and yet exaggerated to just the right level,

that you immediately... it's instantly funny.

Do you ever eat Mexican food?

It's the weirdest food in the world.

No matter what you order, the same fucking thing arrives.

The only difference is how it's folded.

Excuse me, I ordered tortillas. I seem to have fucking burritos.

"Oh, no problem, sir.

"There you go."

I got the honour of working with him on a film called Quartet.

If there was a long time in between takes, he'd tell a joke

and everybody would be roaring laughing.

It was like getting a private concert from him.

Why do I like to make people laugh? Because it's a jolly thing.

It's good for you and it's good for them.

It's a dynamite thing to be able to do,

to get a laugh out of someone.

Billy's human, and the great thing about Billy is,

it's not like watching a star doing an act.

It's like watching your mate go on stage

and make you piss yourself with laughter.

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex.

And men need to have sex to feel loved.

We're fucked from square one.

You're in his family when you're in the audience.

And he's in yours.

No matter how many hundreds or thousands of people are out there,

it's as if you're sitting at the dinner table with him.

If I do it right, they'll feel good.

And if they feel good, I'll feel good.

There's nothing complicated about it.

Which routine of yours, Billy, do you remember the most fondly?

I think it might be The Wildebeest.

It doesn't sound funny when you're explaining it,

but when you put it together and present it, it works.

I'm not as young as I was.

None of us are.

But one of the disconcerting signs I've found recently...

..is shouting at the television.

That is my favourite sketch ever.

It was a thing about wildebeests, wildebeest.

He makes almost this pub scene with all these characters.

You immediately know who he's becoming

with every little flicker.

"Do you hear a lion?

"I thought I heard a lion there.

"Just got that liony kind of feel about the place, you know?"

And there's a particularly stupid wildebeest about four back,

and he goes, "Did you say lion? I've never seen a lion.

"What are they like?

"I heard they were beige. Is that right? Are they beige?

"Camel hair kind of colour?"

He said, "Hey, you, eat the fucking grass,

"and shut up and do as you're told."

"Excuse me for being fucking born, by the way.

"Ask him a question about a lion,

"you get a mouthful of fucking abuse."

Meanwhile, it cuts back to the male lions,

they're all lying under a tree, scratching themselves,

playing cards, you know, smoking.

And then it cuts back to the female lions.

They're now about 6ft from the wildebeest.

And the leader one's sneaking up, doing that shoulder number.

"Agnes!

"Agnes. Agnes.

"Agnes!"

HE MOUTHS INSTRUCTIONS

"Rargh! Fucking lion!"

"Where? Where's the fucking lion?"

Bang! Boof! It's on the ground, they've split it open.

Their heads in its ribcage.

There's lungs and stomachs flying out, blood everywhere.

His back legs still trying to run.

And there's a wildebeest standing, watching them doing it.

"Oh, look at them, eating that thing."

I'm screaming at the telly, "Run, you fucking idiot!"

If they look up, you're fucking history.

Do you see that dust?

That's every fucking wildebeest in Africa!

Run after them! They know something you don't!

And I've come to the conclusion

that wildebeest don't know they're wildebeest,

for there are no mirrors in the Serengeti Plain.

You can be anything you like.

You ask a wildebeest, "Are you a wildebeest?"

"Oh, fuck, are you kidding?

"Wildebeest, that'll be right (!)

"I'm one of them stripy things over there.

"Too fucking right, oh, aye.

"One of them lions looks up, I'll just fucking fly away."