Two and a Half Men

Morning.

Morning.

Ooh, Cap'n Crunch.

That's the only man I put in my mouth.

It puts my relationship with Orville Redenbacher

in a whole different light.

I'm partial to the U.P.S. guy.

We're making food jokes here.

The U.P.S. guy's not food.

He is if you cover him with whipped cream.

What can I say?

There's just something about a man in brown shorts.

Okay, I'm in big trouble.

Speaking of a man with brown shorts.

What's wrong?

Well, I just got a call

from Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry.

And he wants to see me.

Well, he wants to see Jeff Strongman.

Who's Jeff Strongman?

Oh, Jeff Strongman

is Alan's alter ego he uses

to meet Larry and fight crime.

Wait, so, you use a fake name to sneak around with other men?

Where do you guys meet? A Lady Gaga concert?

It was a spin class if you must know.

Now, what am I gonna do?

I told you something like this was gonna happen.

"I told you something like this was gonna happen."

Look, I am serious-- he wouldn't tell me why he wanted to see me

and he sounded pretty upset.

Well, what kind of world are we living in

where a guy is upset with another guy

for banging his girlfriend?

See, that's why I love being gay.

A guy finds out I'm doing his girlfriend,

I don't get an angry phone call.

I get a dozen roses and a copy of the video.

Too bad I can't convince Larry I'm gay.

Come on, Zippy, you're making it too easy for us.

Oh, hey!

There he is.

My main man with a winter tan.

Jeff.

Uh, I got you a coffee. Can I get you anything else?

Uh, one-one of these muffins? They're bran.

Keeps your trains running on time.

Poop-poop!

I'm not hungry.

All right then, I'll just sit across from you.

Right here...

in front of all these witnesses.

You know my girlfriend Lyndsey?

Is it Lyndsey?

I thought it was Linda.

Glad you cleared that up before I saw her again...

which I haven't, and why would I?

She's been cheating on me.

Mmm, sorry.

Just a little...

Why do you think she's cheating on you?

I hired a private investigator to follow her.

Uh, do you mind?

She's been meeting him at a house in Malibu.

Sorry, sorry, I'm just a little shocked.

Imagine how I feel.

Well, I-I can't, uh, uh, but I do know

that in situations like this, it's the woman who's to blame.

She's not the only one.

Please, I have a son!

This is the guy.

Wait, this is the guy?

Yeah.

This is guy you think banging your girlfriend?

I know he is.

And only him?

Nobody else?

Isn't this bad enough?

Well, sure.

But, you know, there could also be another explanation.

I mean, maybe she's just lost

and she's asking this guy for directions.

Right, "Excuse me, sir, can you help me find my G-spot?"

It's not just this photo.

It's the late night errands.

Hiding her phone.

Plus, we haven't had sex in forever!

Wow, that's rough.

I guess this guy, whoever he is,

satisfies her every need.

I want to kill him.

I hate being lied to like this.

I get it, you know.

Sometimes you think you know a person, but you don't.

Panini for Strongman.

Jeff, that's you.

What?

Oh, oh, yeah, that's me.

Jeff Strongman.

Someone who's not banging anyone's girlfriend.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Oh, no, there's a stranger in my house.

And it's possibly a gay porn star from the '70s.

It's me, Alan.

I-I believe you're supposed to say,

"It's-a me, a-Mario!"

So, I take it things didn't go great with Larry?

Well, he does know that Lyndsey's cheating on him,

but the good news is he doesn't know that it's with me.

So, why do you look

like one of the Village People in street clothes?

Ah, well, uh, he hired a, uh, a private detective,

uh, to watch the house because, uh,

and here's where it gets really funny,

um, uh,

he thinks that Lyndsey is cheating on him with...

No.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

It's crazy, right?

Why didn't you tell him the truth?

Fear, cowardice.

Lack of a dental plan.

Uh, besides, he-he just lost Lyndsey,

I didn't want him to lose his best friend.

Okay, well, you're gonna lose your best friend

if you don't fix this!

Oh, I'm your best friend?

Alan, I am serious.

I do not want a private detective watching this house.

And I... and I definitely don't want

an angry boyfriend after me.

Well, you should've thought of that

before you slept with Lyndsey.

I've got some work to do.

And I'm gonna go out and run some errands.

And when I get back, this better be cleaned up.

Oh, oh, don't worry, I'm on it.

Oh, oh, but just in case.

Oh, God!

Is there any look you can't pull off?

I'm-a gonna kill you.

Hey!

Hi-ya!

Oh!

What the hell?

Alan, what are you doing?

At the moment, looking for my left ball.

Larry just dropped me off.

He could've seen you.

That's why I'm here. Larry thinks you're

having an affair with Walden.

What? Why would he think that?

Well, because he he hired a P.I.

who t a picture of the two of you together.

And by the way, it looked like it was a cold day.

You're an idiot.

I know.

So, what-what are we gonna do?

Okay, look, I've done this plenty of times before.

The first thing you do is deny everything.

Right, denial. Wait.

You've done this plenty of times before?

Did you ever cheat on me?

Never.

Okay, good.

Oh!

Oh, it's Larry.

What does he want?

Uh, well, let's see.

Uh, "Just dropped off the cheating whor...

Lyndsey."

"Want to grab a drink?"

Okay, you go play

the sympathetic friend, calm him down.

I'll figure sothing out.

Sounds good, uh...

"No problem, bro."

Uh...

Cocktail glass emoji.

Stall him as long as you can.

Right.

I'm sorry I kicked you

in the balls-- is there anything I can do?

You could kiss it and make it better.

Good-bye, Alan.

Oh, come on!

It's not like I could do it myself.

God knows I've tried.

Get in the car! Rose?

What are you doing?

Someone's following you.

Yeah, you!

There's no time for this, you're in danger.

Yeah, from you!

Just get in.

Why would I get in your car?

I mean, the last time

I tried to trust you...

What? What are you looking at?