Family Guy

Guys, sorry I'm late.

I was watching The Muppet Show with Stewie.

What's that from?

Did you guys just make that up?

Fellas, I want to introduce you to my fiancée Rachel.

She's a wonderful woman,

and she's Madeleine Albright's niece.

Oh, pleasure to meet you, Rachel.

No! If you want to shake hands,

put a sheet over that thing.

I know it's last minute, but we got a great deal

and you're all invited to our wedding this Thursday...

- I can't go. - ...in New Orleans.

By myself. I have to bring my family.

I'm in! -Yes! -Way in!

Ah, New Orleans, combining the luck of Puerto Rico

with the mosquitoes of Haiti.

New Orleans.

I can't wait to get up on a balcony

and bust out the twins.

Did you hear what I said, Meg?

I said I can't wait to get up on a balcony

- and bust out the... - Yeah, I heard you.

Feels a little "hoo-mid."

What, what's that?

Oh, every morning from 7:00 to 10:00

we serve a complimentary breakfast.

Complimentary breakfast?

Imagine the possibilities.

Wow.

- Can I get you a cup of coffee? - Coffee?

Imagine the possibilities.

Wow.

How did that Muppet song get in my head?

Oh, yeah, it was playing when we Inception-ed.

The bride and groom have written their own vows.

Oh, no.

Rachel, I love you.

And today we merge our lives, our hearts,

and our fraudulent home businesses.

Mort, may my plantar fasciitis act like the roots

for our tree of love.

We will reshape our lives together

just as socks reshape my calves daily.

I am so happy to be merging the napkins in my pockets

with the napkins in your pockets.

Rachel, with you by my side

there is no Christmas display that I can't sue the city over.

I vow to keep you nourished by filling our home

with the worst wine in the world

and preparing potatoes and applesauce.

Just like nobody.

And I vow to adorn our walls

with only brown art from the '70s.

Mort, we're two peas in a pod.

We just go together.

You are the plastic covering to my furniture.

And you are the little spit bubble

in the corner of my mouth.

Mort, you are my forever person.

Aw.

May we continue to have no respect

for other drivers on the road

and view stop signs as suggestions.

And, Rachel, you are my forever person.

Aw.

And may my dead ex-wife's

uncle's Netflix account continue

to be fruitful to us for many years to come.

Mort, do you take Rachel

to be your wife in sickness and in sickness?

I Jew.

And, Rachel, do you take Mort

to be your husband in bad times and bad?

I Jew, too.

Stewie, what's going on with you?

I just found all that very moving.

- Really? - Yes, I had no idea

marriage could be that beautiful.

There really is somebody for everybody.

Even Helen Keller had her tailor.

$100, please, blind and deaf lady!

Always nice coming back to your own house, huh?

This isn't your house. It's my dad's.

I have a package for Stewie Griffin.

- Day just starting or ending? - Smack dab in the middle.

Oh, dude. Brutal.

Well, welcome to the back nine.

I can't believe this worked.

I'm Stewie. I'm going to be your husband.

- Zlata. - We're such each other's forever people.

Brian, I'd like you to meet my fiancée

that I ordered from the Ukraine, the soon-to-be Zlata Griffin.

Is that... Is there a dead body in there?

Yeah, they send two in case one dies.

She was sister.

Looks like her arm was gnawed off.

Babe, you don't have to eat people. We got food.

Stewie, this is crazy.

You can't marry that woman. You don't even know her.

I know she can disassemble

and reassemble a rifle in 15 seconds.

- How does that matter... - I know it's adorable

that she thinks we're gonna see Whoopi Goldberg

- everywhere we go. - Stewie...

I hear Whoopi Goldberg out here?

Z and Bri, my two favorites.

I-I don't even...

Zlata, what... Why would you marry a baby?

In my country, everyone I know blows up.

She wanted to leave, I had 200 bucks.

Boom, we're each other's forever people.

Are there any more options for breakfast, Mom?

Bread without whole walnuts in it? Yuck.

What's going on with you two?

Well, it's just, hotel living got us accustomed

to having multiple breakfast options.

Yeah, we're like when astronauts come back from space

and can't fit back in with society, but with breakfasts.

Well, I'd advise you space cadets to come back to Earth,

because I'm only making one thing.

Okay. Meg, did you hear what I said?

I said I'd advise you space cadets to come back

- to Earth because... - Yeah, I heard you!

You know, there is a Best Western in Quahog.

Well, yeah, but don't we need a room key to get breakfast?

You mean like this one?

Oh, you dog.

Grab your coat, we're going to the Best Western.

I don't need my coat; it's hot.

Get your coat now!

That's the gatekeeper.

We just show her the key and we get free food.

Yep, just keep it simple.

Now, if asked, we're brothers from Sweden,

same mom, different dad.

Well, shouldn't it be same dad,

- different mom? - No, no, no.

The Swedes have a very long fertility window, Chris.

Trust me on this. Remember, big accent.

Hey, guys, FYI, breakfast is closing in five minutes.

Ja.

We're doing it, Chris. Our cover story is working.

I'm looking for a pair of half brothers

with different fathers from Finland.

Haloo?

It's done.

This is why Sweden, Chris.

- Never Finland. - I'll never doubt you again.

Good. Now grab a yogurt that's way smaller

than you knew they made yogurts.

And you grab an orange juice that doesn't taste

like orange juice, but like someone described

the taste of orange juice to an alien.

- I better get going. - Have good day at work, husband.

Mwah. Babe, you're too good to me.

I just left my car in stall four.

- Perfect. I can take it from here. - Okay, great.

And I apologize, but my son threw up in the back.

Okay, it's no problem, we can clean that up for you.

Thanks, you're the best.

Hey, Levi, we got a backseat vomit in the maroon PT Cruiser.

Levi?

Levi? Levi?

Hey, uh, so, I'm really sorry, but I-I threw up

- all over the front seat. - Not a problem.

Thanks, man. Late for a flight.

Levi?

Levi? Levi?

Hey, I accidentally barfed in my car.

They told me I could leave it here?

- Yeah. I'll clean it. - Thanks.

I got to catch my flight.

Levi? Levi?

Uh, this one looks good. The, uh, second cheapest one.

I'd actually recommend that first Cab there.

- Sound good. - I love Cab.

That second cheapest one sounds great, too.

We'll take that one.

Indulge me in one more work story?

So, last week I put this nice family in a Sonata.

Those are supposed to be great cars.