Teachers

And he said,

And they said...

It's your turn.

How about, "I'm dying inside?"

Deb, that is not the verse.

You're supposed to say,

- I can't take it anymore. - Take what?

My car broke down last week,

and Caroline insisted, that we carpool.

Did you know that she makes people take off their shoes

before getting into her car?

She drives barefoot?

No, she has driving slippers.

And she sings children's songs.

It makes me want to drink antifreeze.

Ugh, God, why are there so many kids around?

I need a Gatorade, aspirin,

and a Listerine Breath Strip.

Hey, that's the same

coochie skirt you wore last night.

Did you go home with someone?

No, and my sex life is none of your business.

You're the one who's always bragging about your conquests.

The Midwest regional manager of Crepes Are Us.

The semi-pro hockey player.

The emcee at the aquarium whale show.

So many high-powered men fall in love with you

for a night.

Stop attacking me! God!

I cannot help it if I attract moguls and trendsetters.

But I did not go home with anyone last night.

Uh, you texted me at the bar,

"Peace out. Gotta go gargle some dong."

Now, who'd you bang?

I've decided to become

a very private person since then.

And I actually think that we should be

a little bit more sensitive

about the information we share

with each other.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I have to go get some Vaseline

to pry off my self-stick titty cutlets.

And I appear to have lost one.

Sweet cheeks!

Sam, not here.

Ms. Snap, running late as usual.

- Buzz off, Marty. - Hey!

You can't talk to me like that.

I'm the liaison to the principal.

You made that title up, and it's embarrassing.

Hey, um, can you cover my class at noon today?

- Yeah, what's up? - I'm taking a half-day

to go to the LGBTQIA protest downtown.

I don't know what all those letters stand for,

but sure sounds fun.

Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,

Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, and Asexual.

Oh, then I'll pray for you.

No, no, no. I have to have the car today.

Do I really need brake pads?

Hey Debbie Doodle Dandy,

I have to leave at 3:15.

I have a bonsai trimming class at 4:00.

Oh, you know what?

Why don't you come?

It'll be so much fun.

It's like you're a giant among tiny trees.

Fee, fie, foe... green thumb!

I just thought of that.

Get me my car by 3:15 today

and I will let you sniff my panties.

Well, a lot of people are into that.

Hey girl, it's my prep.

I'm heading to Wendy's.

Wanna come?

Yeah, sure, I was not doing anything.

Wow, your room's so clean.

Is it? I didn't notice.

Did someone power wash your windows?

I don't know what you are talking about...

I'm just saying the janitor

really went to town in here...

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

There is nothing going on around here.

I'm sorry.

Just a little "hangry."

Hey, everyone.

I'll be taking over for Ms. Cannon today.

She's off supporting the LG...

TCBY community.

So, what is she teaching you all, right now.

- Science! - Neato.

We just learned how the world was created.

The Earth is 4.5 billion years old.

Well, that's what some people believe.

- Some people? - Sure.

There are many different theories,

and that's a great one.

So, let's talk about... lava.

Wait, what's another theory?

Well, at my church,

we say the Earth is 6,000 years old.

So, animals evolved in 6,000 years?

If evolution was real, sure.

Wait, evolution isn't real?

It's a cool, kooky idea,

but it's not what actually happened.

So, we don't need to know about

Darwin or Neanderthals or natural selection?

Nope. Science is really simple

when you realize it's all just God.

- Cool. - The coolest.

Ew.

Yeah, Hunter Minsky's gotta learn how to hold it.

Sam, thank you for cleaning my classroom so well,

but you can't give me extra attention like that.

People are noticing.

What happened last night has to stay between us.

You look really beautiful under these fluorescent lights.

I know.

Listen, yes, you awoke my sexual beast last night

and yes, I have never allowed myself

to let go like that before, but...

Yeah, you broke a lot of shit at my place.

Oh, my God, when you took me on that Foosball table

with that little soccer man up my butt...

Why can't you respect my boundaries!

I just want to keep this between us.

- Why? - Because...

this is a professional environment.

We can't acknowledge each other on school grounds.

Oh, yeah?

Not even a little shrimping.

Oh, there is always shrimp at this buffet.

Wow.

Uh, you're right, Sam.

Hmm, this is definitely Sheetrock.

Let's wait until Sam cleans the computer lab, Lucy.

It's way too hot and dirty in here right now.

They're underwater.

Ooh, stoplight.

Gotta wet wipe the dashboard.

You know what, Caroline,

I'm not gonna need a ride home tonight.

Don't be silly.

Here, I'm gonna lint roll you before we get to school.

No! We're done.

The cleaning, the singing, the driving slippers...

I keep praying for a head-on collision.

No more rides!

Thanks for covering my class yesterday.

No problem, they were angels.

- How was your protest? - Great.

We're fighting for asexual domestic partners.

Just because you're just friends

doesn't mean you should be uninsured.

Hey, I just wanted to apologize

for what you witnessed yesterday.

It's totally cool.

I told Lucy you were just seeing who's taller.

Please don't tell anybody about what you saw.

You dry humping the man who pulled a dead raccoon

out of the ceiling with a rake?

Exactly. He is a janitor,

and I have a reputation to uphold.

But it was the best sex

of my life.

And I've had a lot of sex.

But not in a slutty way.

Wow, Sam?

Normally, men treat me like a delicate flower.

But he took me like a wild stag that had just

gored the alpha male for the privilege.

Oh, I loved it!

Holy balls.

Yeah... but you have to keep this on the down low.

I won't say anything if you can get him

to snag me a whole bunch of TP.

Ever since they put locks on the dispensers,

I've been stealing paper towels.

It's tearing me up.

Deal.

Oh Mylanta, Chelsea.

I can't believe you're canoodling with the janitor.

Very Downton Abbey.

Except without the elegance or manners.

I'm proud of you

for giving up your obsession with power and money.

Before you know it, you'll be riding

public transportation.

Feldman!

Sorry, dawg, it just came up

in the natural flow of conversation.

Have you noticed how clean Chelsea's room is?

The floors aren't the only thing Sam polished.