Fantasm Comes Again

Harry?

Harry!

Harry, are you in there?

Harry, I'm coming in.

Coffee in the office.

If we don't pull our fingers out, we'll miss the deadline.

See you there.

Sorry.

It's a habit I picked up when I was a cub.

In those days, it was the only way

to get through a night shift.

I'll tell you, look at all this crap.

Fifteen years on the job and it still comes in every week;

the same tales of woe, hardship,

heartbreak and confusion.

And each week we print the same snappy,

sharp, cynical advice.

Some of it must be fun, Harry.

It's all so our lecherous little readers

can click their tongues in comfort

over their Sunday morning coffee.

Half of it's bullshit.

And the rest...

Well, half of that's made up as well.

You're just an old cynic.

Anyway, I'm here to take the load now.

Come tomorrow, you'll be out in the bay fishing.

You need never have to worry about it again.

- Oh, you're right, you know. I'll miss it.

Fifteen years as "dear Colette."

It's gotta rub off on you, somehow.

- I suppose they'll keep me as "dear Colette," too.

-Ah, yes, in the troubled eyes of our loyal readership,

Colette is immortal.

Change the name and the myth would vanish.

Be nice to get your own byline.

- Well, you'd have half the creeps in town ringing up

making personal calls to the office.

Ah, Colette's better.

The switch knows how to deal with them.

How?

- Putting them straight through to Mildred.

The tea lady?

- Yeah, what else do you think she does between tea breaks?

They'd the sorry ones, believe me.

No one... but no one... out-talks Mildred.

Now you stick to Colette, she served me well.

- Red ink. - Red ink?

Yeah, dead giveaway.

Who writes with red ink anymore?

Well.

Well, no one, that's who.

Except my old red-handed mate.

Never misses a week. Same old words,

same old four-letter abuse.

I never, ever open official looking letters.

Why not?

Public service is full of them.

Well, here we go, then.

I'll have the first lucky dip.

Here's cheers.

"Dear Colette, perhaps you could help me with a problem.

I guess you could say I've led a fairly sheltered life.

One of my few pleasures is reading,

and so I often visit the local library with a friend.

The librarian is very strict, one of the old school,

and will not tolerate any breach of the rules."

Cindy.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

_ "since the incident,

I haven't dared go back to the library again,

and I already owe $37.50 in fines for being overdue.

My life's a mess, my friend won't talk to me,

and I'm reduced to buying paperbacks.

What can I do?

Signed, bookworm."

That's a good one.

Don't believe a word of it. Still, it'll make good reading.

Now, let's see. Uh...

"Dear bookworm,

I must say, your librarian friend has a novel approach..."

Uh...

"To come upon you like that in the Greek section.

My advice is that you get yourself a new friend

and slip it in later. The book, that is.

And that way, you'll be able to dodge the fine

and..." uh..."Get back to hardcovers."

Yeah, that'll do.

Now, one down, nine to go. Next.

"Dear Colette, I'm a college student

and a very keen gymnast.

Mr. Bates, our gym master,

has always taken a special interest in me.

He says I have a special aptitude.

Afew months ago,

I was in the gym loosening up on the trampoline

after classes when Mr. Bates came in

and gave me some coaching."

There, now we won't be disturbed.

Yes, Mr. Bates.

I've asked you to stay because, well...

I have hopes for you.

Yes, out of all my senior year students,

you're the only one that has any

aptitude to become a champion.

What I thought we'd do would be to

run through some of the basics, limber up,

and generally get to know each other,

so that as coach and pupil

we can reach a full understanding.

That's very kind of you, Mr. Bates.

Not at all.

Well, let's see.

What I thought we'd do would be to start off

with something you're good at. Say, the trampoline.

Okay.

No, no, Ms. Peabody.

We can do better than that, can't we?

I guess so.

- Perhaps if you remove that archaic costume,

you'll feel freer.

- But Mr. Bates, I'm stark naked underneath.

It just wouldn't be proper.

Am I your coach or not?

Yes, you are.

And are we going to work together

to get you onto that collegiate team?

Yes, Mr. Bates.

Then I suggest you do as I say.

Of course, Mr. Bates.

All the world's best gymnasts

train in the nude, Ms. Peabody.

One must be able to completely free

one's body for the task.

What if somebody comes in?

You saw me lock the doors.

Don't worry, we won't be disturbed.

Well, if you say so.

Now, let's see what you can do.

Well done, well done.

I think we've had enough of this now.

Let's try the parallel bars.

Okay.

Here now, this is position number one.

Number two.

Number three.

And four.

Your turn.

Now, get up into this position.

Now, swing your legs up.

Let's see.

Start leaning fon/vard.

Come on, I'll hold you.

That's it.

Let's see.

Okay.

Swing up.

Okay, come here.

Let me show you one more time, okay?

Now, when you get into the first position...

There'sjust one thing, Mr. Bates.

What's that?

Well...

Well, speak up, girl.

We've got to communicate freely

if we're going to work together.

- Well, how come I got to work out naked and you don't?

- Well, because a man is built differently.

He needs support.

- That sounds like a chauvinistic remark to me.

Mr. Bates!

Oh, no, Ms. Peabody.

I didn't realize that they were so big.

- You mean you've never seen a man naked before?

Only my brother when I was younger.

My, they do grow when you get older, don't they?

Yeah, I guess they do.

- Well, now I'm all warmed up. What else can we do?

- Well, I think we've done enough for one evening.

Oh, what a pity.

Just as I was starting to feel good.

- Say, we should finish up with a darn good massage.

- "After the workout, I felt so relaxed I fell asleep.

When I awoke, Mr. Bates was gone.

Next day, I mentioned Mr. Bates' marvelous training methods

to our gym mistress, Ms. Stern, who was very impressed.

Since then, Mr. Bates seemed to have lost interest in me

and spends most of his time working up new routines

with Ms. Stern.

My problem is, how can I make the collegiate team

without a coach?

Signed, aspiring gymnast."

I think she means perspiring.

If that's a fantasy,

she sure put some thought into it.

Off you go, bright eyes.

I'm not sure where to start.

See, it's not as easy as you think.