Man with a Plan

What happened to donuts?

This thing is mostly hole.

I think they're making the middle bigger.

I bought a dozen donuts and a dozen donut holes.

They don't match up. Somebody's getting rich.

Huh.

Hey, there they are.

How'd the, uh, doctors appointments go?

Turns out Teddy needs glasses, like, a lot.

The doctor was pretty judgmental.

I got, like, six lollipops.

I got nothing because I'm perfect.

Aw.

Well, don't worry about it, buddy.

We'll get it handled. Go get a snack.

He needs glasses.

That explains so much.

Also, Katie needs braces.

Ugh, I'm gonna look so dorky.

Can I please get the plastic invisible ones?

I don't see why not.

They're $6,000.

I see exactly why not.

Great. Well, I'll have metal mouth.

Guess you can use my face to open your beers.

That's the spirit.

- Braces and glasses. - Yeah.

- You're gonna need some quick cash. - Yeah.

Well, I've got an idea.

How would you feel about taking a tumble

down the escalator at the mall?

I know a guy. He can push you.

You don't even need the courage.

We'll be fine.

We have insurance.

But you came up with that escalator thing pretty quick.

Next time we go to the mall, you're walking in front.

Look at this.

Our insurance only gives us $30 for Teddy's glasses.

Where are we supposed to buy them?

The spinny thing at the drugstore?

Well, the drugstore has good stuff.

That's where I get my sexy sweatpants you like.

And check this out.

The deductible for Katie's braces

is more than the cost of the actual braces.

Well, they do cover leg braces.

Might as well get her those if they're giving them away.

Ugh, we can't afford all this.

- Ugh. - Well, the orthodontist has financing.

He gave me a brochure,

but I dropped it when Teddy walked into the fish tank.

He really can't see.

We should be ashamed of ourselves.

The Burns men don't do financing.

You end up paying triple.

Be cheaper to just send Katie to England

to live with the rest of the snaggle-toothers.

Well, we have to find the money somewhere.

Maybe we should go to the mall and talk about it.

I'm not falling down an escalator, Andi.

Why not? You fall off stuff all the time.

Let's start making some money.

Hey, pretty lady.

I'm wearing my drugstore sweats.

Let's get crazy.

You know what's crazy is how tight our budget already is.

So fooling around is out?

Okay, let's talk money.

What's in our rainy day fund?

$175. Yeah.

Which one of Kate's teeth

would you like to straighten with that?

I thought we agreed to keep that tone out of the bedroom.

Okay, well, I printed out our budget.

And, uh, this page is our necessities.

You know, mortgage, groceries, stuff like that.

And this page is our extras.

And, um, your cable sports packages

seem to be our biggest extra.

Hold on. No sex, no sports?

I'm sorry I even came in here.

I'm not giving up my sports packages.

Adam, you bought, like, eight of them.

I mean, you shouldn't have more sports channels than children.

Then let's have more children.

No. Forget I said that.

Look, Andi, these sports packages

are the only thing I have left that makes me happy.

Well, besides you and the kids. Blah, blah, blah.

Look, I know you love them,

but I-I-I think they have to go.

The kids? Okay.

But wait a minute, hold on. What about your extras?

Maybe we can get rid of one of those.

No, I don't have any extras.

I already gave them all up for the family.

Oh.

Then I guess there's no coming back from that.

Fine, okay. I'll cancel my sports packages.

I know it hurts, honey, but you're doing the right thing.

If it helps, you're kind of being a hero.

A hero, huh?

That does help.

Hero. As in...

I'd like to dedicate this Nobel Prize to my father,

Adam Burns, the real hero.

Whatever gets you there, babe.

Ugh, the only thing is

I don't know how I'm gonna tell the guys.

They love coming over here to watch the games.

Our house is where Pittsburgh comes to play.

I know, honey, but I guess from now on,

Pittsburgh's just gonna have to play with itself.

I know how Pittsburgh feels.

Okay, I know this is your last sports package game,

but on the upside, I made mini pizzas.

I'm torn. I'm mad at you for taking away our sports,

but I'm impressed by these tiny pepperonis.

What did you use, a hole punch?

I just nibbled them down to size.

Man, this stinks.

If I'm not here watching the game, I have to go home.

That's where my wife lives.

This is our time and Andi took it.

I fought hard to get in here.

I'm not gonna lose it just because you took a vow

with some hussy you met in a bar.

Look, I know it's tough,

but some situations call for a hero,

a man who's willing to step up

and do what's right for his family.

Well, can you find that guy

and ask him to bring me a regular size pizza?

Okay, Dad, you and Mom were always on a budget.

How did you pay for stuff when Don and I were growing up?

Well, we just chose the kid with the most potential

and spent our resources on him.

In our case, that was Donny.

Thanks, Pop.

You chose him?

Well, he seemed like the better bet.

He was bigger and he talked more.

You just sat there chewing on your fist like an apple.

I was a baby.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Is that why I always got cheese sandwiches

and he got bologna?

Exactly. And it worked.

Look how tall he is, like a redwood.

I am majestic. Thanks again, Pop.

I could never do that with my kids.

Andi wouldn't let me.

Listen, if you want your sports back,

you better cut something else from this budget.

Where did you get that?

I took the long way to the bathroom.

Folder said "private." Got me interested.

Who's Josephine?

Give me that.

Wow. Who is Josephine?

- She costs a fortune. - No, no, no, no.

You don't need to look at that. You don't...

Just enjoy your pizzas.

I ate two pounds of pepperoni for those.

Tell me who Josephine is.

She's my hairdresser.

Yeah. Josephine makes my hair all,

you know, silky and, you know, all this one color.

I could do that for free.

Strip it, prime it, paint it.

I've done it a million times.

Wait, why did you put

your hair salon under necessities?

So you wouldn't see it.

Yeah.

See, I showed you the extras

and then I held back the necessities.

It was all very well thought-out.

So you're just shuffling cash around?

That's money laundering.

- You rigged this whole thing. - Rigged!

You know, there's no cheaper way to see my game.

None!

But you could easily find a bargain hair place.

Do it!

All right, Lowell, I can handle this.

Then handle it, man.

What's with him?

I don't know. He had a wine spritzer.

Look, honey, Josephine is a necessity.

All right? It's not just a haircut.

She rubs my shoulders. She listens to me vent.

You know that-that time with her, it keeps me going.

It's my last happy thing.

It... besides you and the kids and blah, blah, blah.

Well, that's how I feel about my sports.

It's a few hours a week where I don't have to worry

about all the stuff I have to worry about.

For example, you keeping two sets of books like the mob.