My Best Friend's Girl

Oh, let's just get in there, baby. Let's go. Hustle. Here we go.

I love angry sex. This is the best.

Oh, you wanna do it right here, huh?

Oh, yeah... Okay.

Give up, already. Yeah, you know.

I like this girl. Really do.

Sometimes you just know.

I'm not finished.

Anyway, here's what I'm thinking. We start with a blowjob.

Yeah. I mean, obviously, you know?

And most girls find it rewarding the way I do it...

...because I turn what is normally a chore into, like, a training session.

It's like my own special Head Start program. Even got Chloraseptic spray.

Do that really well, we move on to the nasty stuff.

Do some artsy live streaming video. Totally tasteful.

Don't worry, I'll get you paid. Easy.

- Wait, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time? - Yeah.

I accept your rebuke of my advances.

But for future reference, could you at least give me a reason why?

How about 10?

I love angry sex. This is the best.

It's gonna be great. Just...

Hey, we're going Dutch on gas money, you know.

Shut the fuck up. I'm not even listen...

Oh, my God! Why aren't you...?

Dick!

- Listen. Sarah? - Oh, my God.

Stop bitching on me. I didn't know it was your sister.

If I did, it was dark, I was drunk and I thought it was you.

Oh, she's pregnant too. You tell your sister...

...that I'll make a donation to Planned Parenthood in her honor.

Sarah, my ex.

Big cunt.

Rachel, I apologize.

Sometimes when you try a new restaurant, it's a gamble.

And today we lost.

I'm thinking to avoid any sexual obligation, that's you.

Oh, my God.

Perhaps I can interest you in some of our fabulous Famine Fiesta Fries?

She could use a little more famine and a little less fried.

Two Baja Car Bombs on the snap.

Okay, no, I don't drink...

...but thank you. - I wasn't ordering for you.

- I gotta warn you, the stereo's busted. - That's okay.

I've got a little bit of a headache, so...

See?!

It's been like this for a month!

I got it.

These are for your ears!

Thanks.

You look offended by the song!

But if you really listen, it's not really vulgar.

It's about a guy, he's in love. And I know he's saying, "Pop the pussy."

But it's a metaphor for, like:

"I wanna hug you!"

Pop that pussy Hug me, hug me, hug me, hug me

So I'll call you later?

- And I'll call the cops, you asshole. - I had a nice time tonight.

- Hello. - Josh, I just went on...

- ... the worst date of my life. - Rachel.

- Hey, look, I'm gl... - I'm so, so sorry.

Why are you sorry? Baby, I was the one who...

- Can we maybe, you know, grab a...? - Yeah. Yeah, no, that sounds great.

- Yeah. - I'd really like that.

Listen, I'm out with a friend right now. But can I call you?

- What about dinner tomorrow night? - I'd like that.

Yeah, I'd like that too. All right.

I'm so glad you called. All right, bye.

Told you. I just show them the difference...

...between what's in the hand and what's in the bush.

You have mastered the female psyche.

To get them to run, I make them think that I'm shit.

To get them to come, I make them think they're shit.

Either way, you're the asshole.

It's what I do.

Sorry.

All right.

Look at you, all white and thin.

I bet if I laid you on this bar, she could snort you.

Listen, beauty queen.

I know people are concerned about you because you're dangerously thin.

But I'm not one of those people. Yet I am concerned.

That you've had too many drinks...

...and your fingers are in this bowl like it's one of your sorority sisters.

These pretzeled devils, far from complimentary.

I mean, baby, get your head in the game.

Nothing tastes as good as looking good.

- That is just... - Excuse me.

Are you psycho? I mean, how can you even begin to talk to...?

Easy, Urlacher.

Ever notice it's the linebackers concerned with people not eating?

If the pussy police here would stop ordering her fries tempura...

I just had a child.

Congratulations. I'm sure he was probably delicious.

Looks like you downed the whole thing.

You're an asshole.

- You really are an asshole. - Then walk away.

- Let me just go get my purse, okay? - Get cigarettes.

- Let's go. - Okay.

Take me. Take me to your house. Take me right now to your house.

- Hey, guy. - Tank, hey. Tank, this is Renee.

- Yeah. Come here. - Renee, Tank.

- Hey, okay. Two seconds. - Talk to me for a second.

- Yeah, I'll talk to you all night. - All right.

Didn't I just save your ass? I just cleaned up your bed...

...and you're shitting in it again, okay? Aren't you getting fucking married?

I am getting married...

...but not tonight.

- Renee. Renee, there she is. - Josh.

There she is. She's all mine.

I have to work tomorrow.

Everybody's gotta work tomorrow. It's Tuesday.

Good one. I have a strict no-sleepover policy.

Yeah.

Come on, Tank, it's almost 5.

For some people that's not tonight, it's tomorrow.

I hate those people.

Shit.

Dustin? Yeah, five minutes is fine. Okay, bye.

- Dude. What the shit? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I told you this was happening. As of now, I'm training for the marathon.

Goal: Run, don't walk. Nothing wrong with a little bit of discipline.

By the way, you should try it.

You need discipline like I need to miss my period.

Seriously, you're already, like...

...a crazy, insane, OCD alpha-dog...

...cyborg crazy creature.

You mean, I have a job?

And now you're gonna wake me up at 5:15 every single morning...

...so that eventually you can run 26 miles in a circle.

Here's the great part. You get to go back to sleep indefinitely. Yea!

For the record, I am involved in a very taboo interoffice relationship.

- Morning. - Good morning.

Dustin, the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks.

I'm from Lexington.

- Okay, bye. - Bye.

- See you. - Yeah.

That's not the secret knock.

That's the one. What's going on, man?

I need to move this into your room. Tonight is the night.

And if all goes according to plan, consider this move permanent.

- "Lawrence of a Labia"? - Yeah, in a moment of weakness...

...I bought the entire EFI. The Erotic Film Institute's top 100. Enjoy.

Where did it go wrong? You have a serious problem.

Better than taking sexual frustrations out...

...on a parade of one-night skanks I'll never see again.

- True. - Good morning.

Hey, no, no, come here. This is Dusty, my roommate-slash-cousin.

Not technically related. Our parents were friends until his mom walked out.

Slash-fuckhead for bringing up bad family shit at inappropriate times.

It's nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you. - Fucking family.

What's the plan? Bring this girl back here, pop open chloroform...

...insert Tab A into Slot B, repeat?

No. Tonight is the night I tell her how I feel.

Tank, this girl... This girl is my soul mate and it's time she knew that.

Not if you want to fuck her.

You, what is the nicest thing I've said to you since I met you?

You complimented me on my technique.

Okay, look, I'm not you, okay?

I'm not gonna manipulate her, I'm not gonna con her.

- I'm just gonna be myself. - No.

Yourself is a repressed headcase that beats more meat than Rocky Balboa.

By hiding porn, taking her to joints you hate, training for a marathon...

...you're not showing the real you. You're showing a highlight-reel you.

- Thus, in fact, you're conning her. - You don't get it. You don't get it.

I love her. Alexis...

Alexis is my angel.

You get it, right?

We don't get it. We don't.

Anyway, we can skip this "call me" scenario.

- I'm already late. - Great.

Dusty, this is absurd.

What? You love steak, we're eating steak.

- You're a vegan. - Not tonight. Eat, eat, eat. Enjoy.

I feel a little guilty loving steak so much and you're a vegan.

But whatever.

I love the way you eat.

I love that you eat.

I love that you pay.

Seriously, though, I just love watching you do anything.

I love it... I love you, Alexis. I love you.

Oh, shit.

We just said more than once we're gonna keep it light.

- We work together, we're friends. - That's what I'm supposed to say.

Right? I mean, I'm supposed to be the relationship tough guy, you know?

I'm the dude.

The dude can't just come out with:

"I've loved you since the moment I first saw you, pounding out...

...a lender's agreement, eating Cocoa Puffs...

...while some pretty boy drooled over you."

- Michi Yamana. - Yeah, Michi Yamana. Dick.

So I love you, madly.

Sorry. l... l... I know I need to stop.

Now, stop. Just stop speaking, Dustin. Just shut your mouth.

I'm sorry. Wow, kamikaze, huh? See, this is what you do to me.

- What do I say here, but...? - I'm sorry.

But do you know how hard it's been trying to play it cool?

- It's been five weeks. - I know.

We haven't even had sex.