Bloodwork

It's KUCS, 102.7 FM, College Radio Live.

Coming at you as another semester winds down.

Good luck to all you students on your finals,

and just be sure you finish hitting those books before you hit the bars.

Hi, handsome.

A small isolation study measuring all potential side effects.

There will be five doses of the drug given at two-day intervals,

along with periodic blood draws,

monitoring of all bodily fluids, physical exams...

Okay, you're not gonna stick anything in my ass, right?

- Because I'm... I'm... - No. I just... not happening.

Well, let's take a look.

Here we are.

No colonoscopies, sigmoidoscopies,

or endoscopies, no prostate exams, tape tests,

or anal rinks, no probes, enemas, or rectal tubes.

I don't know what an anal rink is, but... I prefer not to have it.

Me either.

Feel free to review the protocol yourselves.

Ravexin Pharmaceutical presents RXZ-19.

The promise of the future.

Okay. What's it for?

Allergies. We're testing a new antihistamine.

As for compensation... subjects will receive $225 a day,

room and board included, over a two-week period.

- What, $225 a day? That's like, uh... - It's 3,000.

To be precise, 3,150.

We'll do it.

So we miss a couple classes. Big deal.

The first few back is overrated anyways.

Come on, man, we're gonna miss Christmas break.

Oh, come on. Fuck Christmas break.

I mean, what do we do on Christmas break but sit at home and twiddle our...

You... you're... you're gonna miss the gift-giving, man, the gift-giving.

Come on. All right. What do you say we just sign up for this thing now.

We make some easy, easy money.

And then come... come summertime, we go on a real vacation.

Europe.

And even you can get laid there.

Hey, hey. I can get laid whenever and wherever I want.

- How many girls have you slept with? - Many. One.

Yeah. We're doing it.

Oh, Our RXZ-19 is a beta class molecule

whose testing on animal subgroups show great promise in the search for wide-grade antihistamine.

They've never tested this on humans before, Greg.

All Phase I subjects must be prepared to experience a variety of side effects.

Okay, here we go.

Including, uh, nausea, dry mouth, arrhythmia,

oh, constipation and/or diarrhea.

Can... can you eve have both at the same time?

I think I've stopped listening to you at this point.

And why are you even reading that?

RXZ-19, allergies? Come on.

Are you kidding me?

Remember that psych test we signed up for last semester because we were short on beer money?

They paid us, what?

Twenty dollars to play a game with all the weird rules.

And it turned out the only thing they were doing was testing to see

how long we could sit in those uncomfortable chairs.

So?

So, they're not gonna spell out what they're really doing.

Greg, this isn't some dumb experiment made by jackass grad students.

This is... this is Ravexin Pharmaceutical, man.

They... they sold $14 billion in drugs last year.

Good. Good.

If you don't think she's being straight with us, why are we even doing this?

Because she's paying us $3,150, and they're not sticking anything in my ass.

I don't know. This is...

By the way, that doc...

Mm, she is a babe.

The best things in life are free

But you can take it to the birds and bees I need money

- Right. That's what I want. - That's what I want.

- That's what I want - That's what I want

That's what I want

- That's what I want. Bom, bom, bom, bom. - Okay. Okay.

Your love gives me such a thrill

But your love don't pay my bills I need money

That's what I want

- Can't be any worse than our dorm. - Right, right.

- And think about the money... - Yeah?

And Europe.

Right this way, gentlemen.

If you please, put your bags on the table here.

- Both of them. - All right.

And those cells.

Let me have those cells. Here, yours, too.

Okay.

No pictures allowed in the facility.

- What are you guys looking for? - The usual.

Dope, junk food, cameras, cell phones.

And liquor.

Wait. Are you serious? I can't have that? I... I didn't see that in the pamphlet.

Yeah, well, well hang onto this for you. You can get it back when your trials over.

Patty?

Okay. They're all yours.

Keep your pitchers in the ice buckets under your beds.

Don't block the door with any belongings.

And, uh, mind the clock.

Light's out at 22.00 hours.

Ten p.m.?

I mean, what are we, in elementary school?

Okay. Mattress is shit.

View is shit.

Well, they don't put guinea pigs in glided cages, do they, for crying out loud?

Where the fuck do you think you are? On your daddy's yacht?

No, no, no. Winding you up. Winding you up. Winding you up. Winding you up.

- Name's Nigel. - Greg.

- Rob. - You guys look like first-timers.

Is it that obvious?

Well, let's just say you don't sport the proper credentials.

Me, on the other hand, resume speaks for itself.

- Shit! - You name it, I've tested it.

I've been poked, prodded, and abused, all in the name of science.

Right, that's enough about me.

What say I give my fellow guinea pigs the grand tour?

Sweet.

Cameras. Note the cameras.

You see the powers that be have a very keen interest in protecting their investment.

So quite simply, we are monitored, 24/7, seriously.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

You'd think you'd be a bit faster.

So this is it. Next up, med wing.

This is it. This is it. This is where you gotta be.

When it's time for a dose, give blood, get a physical, do the skin scratchy bollocks.

Oh, and this corridor, this hallway, take a look, take a look just down there.

That leads to the lab downstairs.

Now that's where they process all our magnificent excretions.

Do all their dirty work.

There's more. There's more. Come on! Come on!

Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na. Check it out. Check it out. Check it out.

Come on. Come on. La da.

It's a run-over, you see? They call it run-over.

From another experiment.

They'll clear out later today,

but the drug they were testing was supposed to be, like, the next Viagra, right?

But the problem was after about a week, everyone started getting the... the, uh,

the... the shakes the tw... the twitchies.

I mean, mate, that's a hell of a side effect.

I mean, they come in here expecting to get a bit of lead put back in their pencil,

but they leave shaking so bloody much, they can't even zip up their own fly.

You've got to love it.

Oh, hey, hey. What's up with the... What's up with that guy?

Must be the placebo.

You know, I mean, they... They have him do it and everything,

but just dosed him with the, like, uh, the, like, sugar water.

It's a fake. A fucking phony.

A ph... phony, phony, phony.

Not to be trusted. Let's go. Let's run on!

Anyway, there probably won't be a placebo here.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Group is small, can't afford it.

Can't afford to waste one of us. Oop.

Then again, la, la, la, la, la, la. With us now.

It's all a test, all a test.

See they don't usually put women in Phase Ones, you see.

Well, looks like I've got another tour to give, lads.

- All right, great. - Pleasure meeting you.

Thanks a lot.

Well, he's kind of wacko.

- That was interesting. - Yeah. To say the least.

Hello, ladies. Lovely day. Welcome.

Ah, the boys, the boys, the lads, the lads.

Rob and Greg, Greg and Rob. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome.

Welcome to your last supper.

- Oh, Rob and Greg, meet, uh, Linnea. - Hi. Hi.

Beautiful. Came up with Stacy, first-timers like yourselves, don't you know?

Hey, Stacy. Greg.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hey. - There is Martel.

That there is Ira. Fine figure of a man.

- That there is, uh, Maggie. - Hey. Greg.

- How do you do? - This is Rob.

- Hey. How are you? - And our, uh, resident, bloody, uh,

games masters, Huy and Binai.

What's up, guys?

Do you guys know if there's any forks?

- Forks? - Yeah.

What do you need forks for? It's pizza.

Here let me get you.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

You're welcome.

Is food really gonna be that bad in here?

Because I put on six pounds when I did this up in Des Moines.

Well, the food here has to be better than the last one we did, right?

If it wasn't for potato salad, I would've starved to death.

- Are you a vegetarian? - No, I'm vegan.

I'm green all the way.

Can you believe what's in these pepperonis? It's revolting.

Oh, God. Not again.

Okay, just because I don't prefer eating hooves and entralls makes me, what, less of a man, right?

- Respect the whole animal. - Yeah, the whole animal. Okay.

- Well, here's the little piggy's eyes. - No.

They're like an old married couple, huh?

Okay, great.

Hey, cool ink, man. Where'd you get it? Army? Navy?

Prison.

Martel, here, has been living in the streets since he was paroled,

but he informed me he's a changed man thanks to our Lord, Jesus Christ.

- Amen. - Yeah, amen, totally.

We do not belong here.