Scream Queens

I have been buzzing you with the call button for half an hour!

Something's wrong with my husband.

Um, I'm sorry, but it's Halloween.

We all kind of like letting loose on Halloween.

I think he's dying!

Have you seen Dr. Mike? Someone is having an emergency

that just can't wait till the party is over.

My husband has C.O.P.D. He can't breathe.

Are you sure he's not just dressed up

as a dude with C.O.P.D.? Uh, pretty sure Dr. Mike

is in the back rack looking for quaaludes.

Dr. Mike?

Hello, ladies.

My husband needs a doctor!

But it's Halloween.

That's what I told her. Please,

I'm begging you.

All right.

If I have to save a life tonight, so be it.

It is what I do.

Deep breath.

Yeah, again.

Uh-huh. Again.

Okay.

His lungs need to be drained.

I say we wait until morning.

Give him the procedure now!

Or I swear, I'll make sure

all of you lose your medical licenses.

I will shut this hospital down.

Okay, you know what? Um... you're absolutely right.

It's like we forgot our Hippocratic oath. Okay.

Bill, uh, I am going to give you a sedative,

and then I am personally going to take you to the O.R.

Okay? Where I will be performing your procedure, okay?

Everything will be fine.

Baby, I love you so much.

You're my life, you're my everything.

How's our son doing?

Good. Good.

Excited for you to come home.

Nurse Lancer, please bring

Hawaiian Punch to the Halloween party.

Okay. Ma'am, gonna have to ask you

to go wait in the waiting room.

Okay.

Thank you so much, Doctor.

Okay, Bill.

Sleepy time.

I owe you.

It's what I do.

I cannot believe we're missing the party for this.

Screw that.

This hospital was originally built

as a tuberculosis clinic, but the patients

who were checking in just kept getting sicker and sicker

until they realized it was because they built it

up against this rancid swamp.

So they closed it down for a decade until they reopened it,

and now we are the fourth best performing hospital

out of four in the area, which is great for us

because it keeps expectations super low.

I never liked this swamp.

I grew up around here and...

the kids used to always talk

about a... a monster that lived back here.

The Green Meanie.

Swamp itself is the monster.

You know if you leave a body out here,

between the bugs and the bacteria,

it will disappear in a matter of days?

We're just gonna leave him here?

I made up all that crap about doing the procedure.

He'll be dead within the hour, and then we'll get the blame.

So we will dump his body out here,

fake the paperwork, say we did the procedure,

that he checked himself out, and then rock out to Sheena Easton

all night long.

What about his wife?

It's her word against ours.

Now, wait.

What if someone saw us?

Your costume is pretty specific.

Shall we?

Mm.

Whoo! Oh, yeah!

Episode 1 - Scream Again

Catherine Hobart?

Hi.

I'm Dr. Brock Holt. I went to Harvard.

And I'm Dr. Cassidy Cascade. Nice to meet you.

Right this way. Right this way.

I say "Right this way." Okay.

Okay, Catherine Hobart of Laconia, New Hampshire.

You've been diagnosed previously with a severe case of

hypertrichosis, aka Werewolf Syndrome.

I was once arrested by a dogcatcher.

Hey. Here's one thing that is contraindicated

self-pity.

Your hair is so soft.

What conditioner do you use?

It's Kiehl's. I know it's expensive, but

so worth it. So worth it.

You and I are gonna get along just fine.

Your condition is being caused by

an inverse mutation on chromosome 17.

I know. I've seen hundreds of doctors.

And I'd almost given up hope, before Dr. Munsch

found me in that creepy disease chat room

and told me if I came here, she could cure me.

Do I keep my word? Hi.

I'm Dr. Cathy Munsch. And welcome to my hospital.

You know you're not really a doctor.

Well, I'm sorry.

But when I gave the commencement address

at the University of Pittsburgh last year,

they gave me the actual honorary doctorate

they stripped from Bill Cosby.

Anyway, Ms. Hobart, you have the great honor

of being our first patient here at the C.U.R.E. Institute.

"Where the incurable are cured."

I wouldn't get her hopes up.

She's incurable.

You want to talk about impossible?

You want to talk about the world saying no,

and you beating it like a dog until you make it

sit, stay and beg to say yes?

Well, then you have to be talking about one.

Dr. Dean Cathy Munsch

and her journey to opening this palace of healing.

By now, you're probably asking yourself,

"Wait a second, isn't this the Cathy Munsch,

"the iconoclastic bestselling author

"whose very name has become synonymous with.

"New New Feminism?

How did she get here?"

Well, I'll tell you.

When Pope Francis asked me, "Cathy, what's next?"

honestly, I found myself at a loss for words.

Why?

Because I'd done it all.

And I knew in that instant that I needed a new cause:

Reforming America's health care system.

Ask medical student what do they want to become.

They'll say plastic surgeons, dermatologists.

They want to perform Lasik.

They want to make money.

And that requires repeat customers.

The perverse incentives baked into our health care system

keep people sick.

Let me introduce you to the C.U.R.E.

Caregivers United in Restorative Ideology.

It is entirely funded by my own personal publishing fortune.

And I am hiring only the best doctors,

who are going to find cures

for diseases 21st century medicine

has deemed... incurable.

I'd love to answer any questions you might have.

- We have a few minutes. - Dr. Munsch.

What about the Chanels?

Do you have any comment on what became of them?

The Chanels.

For two whole years, I barely thought of them.

But then a Netflix documentary series turned them into

a national obsession.

Please state your name for the record.

I am Special Agent Denise Hemphill.

And I take it you're currently

an agent with the FBI.

Correction.

Special agent. Huh?

At the time of the Wallace murders,

I was an employee of the security firm.

Secure Enforcement Solutions,

along with my dear friend Shondell,

who was later stabbed in the face and pushed out a car.

Can I ask what you have to contribute to

my clients' appeal?

The killer confessed.

And I got it right here!

On videotape.

Yes. I orchestrated the whole thing.

But you can't lay a hand on me.

It's called double jeopardy.

You can't be tried for the same crime twice.

But you haven't been tried twice.

The Chanels were tried the first time.

But someone was convicted, so it's double jeopardy.

Uh, no.

Again, you haven't been tried yet at all.

It's double jeopardy!

It's single jeopardy!

The Chanels haven't been seen since.

Those Kappa sisters were nothing but a distant memory.

Except for one.

One that I felt deserved an opportunity

to make something of her life.

Oh, no.

I've got nothing to say to you.

Are you smoking a joint?