Two and a Half Men

Alan!

I have to meet Larry for dinner.

Are you ready yet?

The question is: are you?

: Happy anniversary, baby.

What?

Six months ago today,

we cheated on Larry for the first time.

So, to commemorate the occasion,

you donned the traditional balloon underpants?

Exactly.

I have a "heart-on" for you.

Charming.

Yeah, I was gonna get you a dozen roses,

but I-I thought the balloons were cuter.

Cheaper.

Six of one, half off the other.

I'm not sure this is something we should be celebrating.

Come on, you have loved every chapter

in our book of forbidden trysts.

That magical night in the handicapped stall at Chili's.

The time we put a scare into that field trip of sixth graders

at the planetarium when they saw Uranus.

That weekend that Larry went back east

and we went "down south."

Alan... I don't have time for this.

Well, then open your present.

Spoiler alert: it's my penis and two of his friends.

And you can't return it if it's the wrong size.

As fun as all this is, I only have about ten minutes

before I have to go meet Larry, so we got to make this quick.

Ooh, my specialty.

First, I'm getting rid of these balloons.

Oh. Oh.

I-I should've had you blow them up.

: I know what you like, baby.

Hey, bitches.

Hey. Hey.

What are you guys up to tonight?

Oh, dinner and game night.

My ex-wife and I used to do that.

Our favorite game was Life, until she ruined mine.

Yeah, we're more fans of Monopoly, Backgammon...

Hungry Hungry Lesbos.

It's like Hungry Hungry Hippos, but we don't eat balls.

How do you know when you've won that game?

Trust me, you know.

Hey, something smells good.

Yeah, we play that, too.

Hey, you guys want to join us for dinner?

Oh, no, I can't. I'm going to the movies.

Oh, Alan, you want to join?

Is it a porn movie?

Why would I invite a guy to watch a porn in a theater?

So nobody weird sits next to you.

Well, going with you wouldn't solve that problem.

Fine. Go watch your porn by yourself.

I'm not watching a porn!

Uh-huh. And I don't use your bathroom to poop.

Look, I can't go anyway, 'cause I'm having a drink

with my girlfriend's boyfriend.

Why don't you poop in his toilet?

You're already banging his girlfriend.

You got a flat tire.I got a what?

I noticed it when I was getting out of your car.

Why were you in my car?

Taking a nap.

Why were you taking a nap in my car?

I was getting high, and I just went to sleep.

Why were you getting high in my car?!

Because you hide your pot in the car!

Geez! Which one of us is high, you or me?

Great.

Either of you guys got Triple-A?

You don't need Triple-A when you got double D's.

Why don't you just change it yourself?

Eh, sounds like a lot of work.

I'll just buy a new car.

Or you could use the spare tire and jack.

Oh, there's nothing in there.

Whoa... there's a trunk under the trunk!

Somebody's never smuggled anything out of Mexico.

Here, uh, you grab the spare, I'll loosen the lug nuts.

Wow, you really know what you're doing.

Yeah.

Well, I had a boyfriend who was a mechanic.

WALDEN and JENNY: A boyfriend?

Yeah. Well, I went through a phase where I dated guys.

Huh, I thought you were a goldstar.

What's a "gold star"?

It's a lesbian term for someone who's never been with a guy.

Hey, I'm a gold star.

Wait a second, what about that story

about you skinny-dipping at Boy Scout camp?

Well, I was drowning.

I had to grab ahold of something.

Just happened to be Roger.

So, if you had met Walden instead of me...

Oh, God, no.

Wow, great.

I'm getting hypothetical rejections now.

I'm sorry, you're just not my type.

I was more into, you know, "guy" guys.

I'm a "guy" guy.

Oh, please.

You made me come in your room to kill a spider.

I'm allergic!

: Look, it's not a big deal.

Some guys fix things and some guys

call the guys that fix things.

You know, right after they watch Project Runway.

Oh, I didn't see it last night. Don't tell me, don't tell me.

I rest my case.

You know what, I'll show you.

Here, give me that.

Okay.

Tell me I'm not a guy's guy.

I got "guy" coming out of my ass.

Don't... You know what I meant.

God, these nuts are hard to get off.

Oh, okay, I'll give you that one.

Hey, Jeff.

Hey, there he is.

The B-F-F of J-E-F-F.

That's pretty good.

Did you just come up with that?

What do you think, I just sat here

jotting down rhymes before you showed up?

I'll have a whiskey.

Oh, oh, we're doing the hard stuff. Okay.

I'll have three fingers of crème de menthe.

Yeah, I've just been kind of in a funk lately.

What's going on?

It's Lyndsey.

Mm, Lyndsey. Lyndsey.

I'm sorry, uh,

Lyndsey is...?My girlfriend.

Oh, yes, yes. You know, I-I can never remember her name,

because, you know, I never really knew her.

Doesn't matter. Anyway, she dumped me.

She dumped you?!

: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

I was so shocked, my first reaction was wrong.

Yeah, well, it's been a really rough two weeks.

Wait, two weeks?

You-you guys have been broken up for two weeks

and this is the first I'm hearing about it?

Oh, I'm sorry, buddy. I should have told you sooner.

Well, someone certainly should have.

Anyway, there is one bright side:

at least now, you and I are free to hang

whenever we want.We couldn't before?

Well, I-I didn't really want to tell you this, but...

Lyndsey didn't like you very much.

She said that?

Yeah, she'd go on and on about your hair and your clothes.

She even said you had the worst taste in jewelry.

I don't know where she got that.

I mean, it's not like you ever bought her jewelry.

That's true.

Although, if I had, she wouldn't have noticed

unless I put it in the bottom of her wine glass.

Women.

I know how to kill this pain.

Bring me the bottle.

Yeah, better make it two.

Ooh, and a little whipped cream.

Oh, hey, Berta, can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

I'm a man's man, right?

I thought that when I first met you,

but then I found out you were married to a woman.

No... no, I mean, like...

like, I'm a guy who can...

build things and...

a guy who can get horses out of mud and...

...who, if-if he gets stabbed, he just rubs dirt in it.

You're talking about a guy's guy?

One of those dudes, like, in the boner pill commercials?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. You're not one of those.

What?

Well, you're more like one of those guys

that gets a mani-pedi.

Yeah, well, first of all,

there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.

And second of all,

manicure has the word "man," like, right there in it.

Well, now, you calm down manly man,

or you're gonna spill your chamomile tea.

At least I'm the manliest man in this house, right?

Um...

What?

Really? I'm under Alan?

Well, do you want to be on top of him?

What did Jenny tell you?

I was drowning!

'Sup, ladies?

Hey, look who it is: Bob the Builder.