M*A*S*H

‐Oh, okay. Bye. ‐Nice to meet you.

‐Good morning, Radar. ‐Hi, Father.

I, uh, thought you might bet the football pool.

For, uh, ten bucks, this time tomorrow

you could be $1,000 richer.

All the wealth I want, you can find in here.

Oh, is that where you keep it?

Little joke.

Uh, listen, Father, you know,

you don't have to write your name.

You could just make a little cross.

Very well.

Hey, Klinger, you wanna get in on the pool?

No, all I wanna do is get out of the army.

Just keep wearing those dresses.

They're not gettin' me out.

‐They're only gettin' me whistles. ‐Uh‐huh.

Henry, tune in the game, will ya?

Easy, will ya? I'm trying!

Henry's not very good with his hands.

That's why he became a surgeon.

Very funny.

Hey, hey, I got it! Here we go!

Oh, oh, oh! Woah, oh, oh.

Hey, hey, hey!

MAN (on radio): Nothing less than death

will be reward for you

American running dogs of imperialism!

He sure picked a funny way to sell used cars.

And so, with less than two minutes to go

before the Army‐Navy kickoff, we pause for‐‐

Look, sir, $1,000!

1,000 bucks?

Don't nobody move. This is a stick‐up!

Maybe we'll forget the stick‐up.

I got a better idea.

Am I late? I had to change.

If you think I'm giving you my chair,

you're crazy, lady.

How about one for the Gipper?

Father, Notre Dame is not playing.

Oh, well, then what's all the excitement about?

Navy, having won the toss, has elected to receive.

There's electric excitement in the stands

as we prepare to witness this 53rd gridiron classic.

‐Uh‐oh. ‐Quiet, Radar.

Uh, sir, I think you better forget about the game.

‐Huh? ‐(explosion)

Wow, that's close.

That guy can really kick a ball.

More on the way!

‐Check the hospital. ‐4077 MASH.

‐Look after the bed cases first. ‐Yes, sir.

Have anyone who can walk give you a hand.

‐Oh, sir. ‐McIntyre‐‐

Have Major Burns look after the hospital.

‐Have Major Burns‐‐ ‐He'll work from here.

Right. I'll work from here.

‐Radar, who was on the phone? ‐Regimental Headquarters, sir.

They just want us to know that we're under enemy attack.

They don't miss a trick.

Also, the navy fumbled.

The army's got the ball on the 35.

Terrific. For a minute, I thought we were in trouble.

What the...

Regimental Headquarters, please.

Radar, get me Regimental Headquarters.

See if they can't take some heat off us.

I'm with you.

Pierce?

Are you scared?

Don't be silly.

I'm too frightened to be scared.

‐Doc? ‐Yeah?

How come my nurse needs a shave?

Frank, you're magnificent in the face of danger.

I know.

Excuse me.

You haven't seen my crucifix, have you?

Someone yanked it off, trying to break their fall.

No, Father.

‐Who's winning the game? ‐I dunno.

We temporarily lost our country.

Doctor!

‐Are we dead? ‐Feels like heaven to me.

Gangway!

Headquarters?

I can't hear you. Speak up, will you?

Fragments came through the office.

Is that you, Mildred?

I'm going to be a little late, dear.

Trapper, check him out, will ya?

‐Come on, Henry. ‐Hello? Operator, we've been cut off.

‐Hello? ‐What did headquarters say?

‐We never got through. ‐Let's try again.

‐Come on. ‐All right.

Uh, just a moment, Pierce.

With Henry in that condition, I'm in charge here.

Okay, Frank, go slip into your crown and robe

and you tell us what to do!

All right.

‐Well? ‐Well, give me a minute.

I'm not sure we've got one!

They're shelling our ears off from both sides!

Get down!

Hello?

Stay down.

Stay down?

Either something that was supposed to happen didn't,

or something that didn't is gonna!

And if it does, down is gonna be up!

Hello?

There's an unexploded shell out there.

We know, Frank. We know.

We've got to evacuate immediately!

I think I did.

Operator, we've been cut off.

Hello?

Hello? Hel‐‐ Yes, yes. Please hold.

Uh, Hawkeye, uh, Regimental Headquarters,

Colonel Hersh.

‐Was that a‐‐ ‐Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't panic.

I'm doing that for everybody. Go help inside.

Hello, Colonel.

Captain Pierce, 4077th MASH.

‐Can you speak up? ‐(game on radio playing)

Hello?

‐Hello? ‐Look, you're gonna have to speak up.

It's hard to hear with the game on.

Listen, we got a little game of our own.

Not only are we pinned down by enemy fire,

we just got an unexploded bomb right in the middle of the compound,

and everybody's waiting for the kickoff.

Steady, Captain.

It's emergencies like this that separate

the men from the boys.

I'm sure it will.

First of all, you're to stay put.

Your whole sector is being hit very heavily.

What about the bomb?

You have to determine

if the bomb is still ticking.

You got any stethoscopes around there?

We're a medical unit!

Place your stethoscope on the bomb... gently.

Keep the vibrations and the noise down to a minimum.

I won't say anything if it doesn't.

Check the outer casing for any markings,

you know, serial numbers.

Then get back to me, and I'll tell you how to defuse it.

Call me at half‐time, will you, Captain?

Certainly.

If I don't hear from you, I'll understand.

Well, what did he say?

He said if you follow instructions, Frank, you won't have any problems.

If I follow? Well, why me?

You're in charge, aren't you?

Well, yes.

The bomb has to be defused.

That's not something you can order another man to do, is it?

What's the scam?

Just about to draw straws to see who goes out and defuses the bomb.

Boy, do I know when to come into a room.

Short match goes out and gives the bomb a physical.

‐I'm a married man, you know. ‐So am I.

I'm not.

You got more to live for than either of us.

Okay. Who bought it?

Just go out there and write down all the markings you can find.

Most importantly, find out if the bomb is still ticking.

Good luck, buddy.

Are you all right, Frank?

Hmm?

Oh, sure.

I just need a moment to compose myself...

always before a crisis.

There.

‐Odds or evens? ‐Evens.

The little black tips, they go in your ears.

‐Radar! ‐Shh!

Who are you shushing?

What are you doing walking around out here

in your stocking feet?

What, have you been at the still again, right?

‐I'm working on a bomb. ‐What kind of bomb?

An unexploded bomb.

Oh, that kind of bomb.

Well?

The ticker's very faint.

Not the bomb's‐‐ mine.

The bomb is ticking away loud and clear.

The letters A, Able,

F, Fox,

S, Sugar, 72485.

Then underneath, three small circles and a square.

Are you sure, Colonel? Those markings don't check out at all.

It's not a Russian bomb,

Chinese, Polish, Czech‐‐

Doesn't even belong to the United States Army.

Well, then what do we do?