The League

I cannot set a good lineup.

My bench keeps out-performing my starters.

My bench is this magical mystery realm, where ordinary players

play like superstars.

Like if Kevin were on my bench, he'd be a six-five billionaire

who could sexually please his wife.

Hey!

I'm thrilled.

I'm playing you this week, and I am going to clobber you.

Yeah, I believe you will.

I have no feel for my team, and it's stressing me out.

Oh, God.

Andre, really?

What are the things proposed?

What the... Good pizza, good friends, good time.

Yeah.

Plus, I already got five comments.

Someone goes, "That's a spicy pizza."

Seriously, could you please stop it?

All of you, you guys are so annoying.

All these online social interactions, 24 hours a day,

seven days a week, and, Jenny, can you please stop posting

pictures of your stupid kid all the time?

That stupid kid is your niece.

Yeah. I don't care if it's my dick.

I don't need to see a thousand pictures of it pretending to ride a dog.

You know what, I'm tweeting everything you're saying, and

people are really behind you.

I'm going to tweet your face, Andre.

Oh!

Guys, Taco's got a point, okay?

I mean, the whole, like, Tweeter, Facebook thing, it's

getting a little out of hand.

Well, I've come up with an alternative.

I've created the first-ever offline social network.

I think this has been happening for a while, Taco.

It's called "society."

It's better than society.

It's "MyFace."

MyFace?

I'll give you an example.

That's my profile pic.

Watch. I'll post a comment.

"I didn't bring any money to pay for my meal today."

For real?

Yeah.

Can I borrow ten bucks?

Oh... You are going to thank me for this.

I need to relax.

I need to figure something out.

I had no mojo.

This place will fix your mind, your heart and your body.

I don't know what's healing about stewing in a bunch of communist B.O.

Wear your grippies.

What?

Your grippies, you know.

Gorilla-Grips.

They have tensile strength of an actual gorilla.

Look, I'm not planning on giving four people hand and foot jobs today.

Okay, guys, welcome to Harmony Yoga Studio.

New student.

Oh, new student!

Great.

If anyone here is pregnant or menstruating, uh, please avoid inversions.

Okay, he's both pregnant and and menstruating.

I'm not on my moon cycle.

There's no judgments here.

Thank you.

All right, we're going to start in seated position.

Come on, sit Indian style.

Indian style's for kids at summer camp who got diddled by

their Croatian windsurfing instructor named Goran.

That's disgusting.

All right, we're gonna start three sets of om.

Inhale through your nose...

and om...

Om...

And let's do this last one with a smile.

Om... Vincent Jackson...

Oh, Rob Gronkowski!

How did you know to play him?

Optimum lineup choosing.

It's all due to yoga.

And I look forward to using your bullshit, unicorn, rainbow

calisthenics to crush you.

Okay, next week, I will have lineup Nirvana.

Watch, all right?

Absolutely not.

Can you do me a favor and stop sending me these text messages, please?

It's weirding me out.

Oh!

It's not me; it's him.

Looks like ye bobbum man is back.

What?!

What are you guys talking about right now?

It's... okay... There's this thing we did in college; it's basically like

phone chicken.

We would try to horrify each other into hanging up first, and

we all develop our own little characters.

And his happened to be extremely creepy and weird and

made me very uncomfortable.

Bobbum man.

Ye bobbum man.

Ye bobbum man: He creepied up in the bobbum van,

filled with equipmonk for great grief to making at you underneath.

Kevin, you had one of the weirdest.

What was it?

It was mundane ejaculation man; it was stupid.

I want to hear it.

Dude, show him.

Okay. Andre, what did you have for lunch today?

I had a cheeseburger.

Oh, God, I'm gonna come.

I'm so close to coming, Andre!

And he would just go on with it until you hung up.

Well, no one went on as long as the crawdad man.

True.

Is that your guy?

Oh, the crawdad man!

Every day is a hard day down by the river.

I got to go get my buckets and fill them buckets up with them crawdads.

I got to keep them separated.

If you don't keep them separated, they're gonna eat themselves.

They're gonna eat themselves!

What is a crawdad?

It's like an evil trip.

Yours was good, too.

I mean, Korean Dick Vitale.

You kidding me?

Oh, that's a diaper dandy!

Awesome, baby!

Honestly, bobbum man was the creepiest.

He was like this sad, middle- aged, virile man driving around

in a van with his equipmonk.

Equipmonk?

That was-- ugh!

And the equipmonk was specifically designed to just tear Kevin apart, and

specifically it's bobbum man... Look, bobbum was a long

time ago, so let's just drop the bobbum thing, okay?

Maybe the bobbum girl going to come and rock your bobbum world.

Crawdaddy man, could you please help me out?

Oh, did someone call for crawdaddy man?

What do you need?

Why are you masturbating as crawdad man?

Well, I was in the middle of picking up my cr-- I'm in

waders, and I'm picking my crawdads up.

All right, Andre, you win.

You are the creepiest.

Oh, thank you very much, ma'am.

Big, big day coming up.

Ellie's gymnastics... No.

What?

Wow.

Really? Our sex-iversary?

Right.

- Doesn't it ring a bell? - It's certainly coming up.

We should definitely celebrate that this year.

We haven't celebrated that in years.

- Yeah. - When do you want to do it?

Wow!

You don't remember the date of the first time we had sex, do you?

I don't... remember... the actual date, but I totally remember having sex...

What do you remember?

Tell me about what you remember.

We went to Zanies, and we saw Paula Poundstone.

We got totally wasted.

Yeah.

And you took me home in your Tracer and you rocked my world.

I did rock your world.

It was so good.

Yes, and it was good, but not good enough to remember the actual date.

Just tell me when it is.

No. No, no, no, no.

We'll celebrate.

No.

Is it tonight?

No, it is not tonight.

And trust me, even if it were tonight, we would not be celebrating.

Really?

Kevin.

Taco, it's the middle of the night.

You've got mail.

You've received a message from Taco.

No, I don't.

Oh, come on.

"You have been invited to join "MyFace, an offline social network.

If you accept, tell Taco!!!"

Taco, I don't want you breaking into my house at 4:00 in the morning anymore.

Yeah, that's what all the other guys said.

You guys should form a MyFace group-- "People who don't like

getting their houses broken into at 4:00 a.m."

Fine, I accept, Taco.

Please, go.

Great.

Welcome to MyFace.

It is now time to choose a profile face.

Are you content with the face you are currently displaying?

You sure you want to pick that face?

Try another one.

Better.