Parks and Recreation

- THERE IS A CRAZY FLU GOING AROUND--

LOTS OF MISERABLE DEHYDRATED PEOPLE

WITH HIGH FEVERS AND DIARRHEA.

AND ONE OF THOSE

DEHYDRATED, HIGH-FEVERED MISERABLE PEOPLE

IS APRIL...

WHO HATES ME.

- I WANT ANOTHER NURSE. - WELL, THERE ARE NONE.

WE'RE STRETCHED PRETTY THIN RIGHT NOW.

- THEN I WANT A JANITOR. THEY CAN DO WHAT YOU DO, RIGHT?

- YEP, NURSES AND JANITORS ARE TOTALLY INTERCHANGEABLE.

- EXCEPT NO ONE DRESSES UP LIKE A JANITOR

WHEN THEY WANT TO BE SLUTTY.

- I GET THE SENSE THAT MAYBE YOU'RE ANGRY AT ME

FOR KISSING ANDY...

- NO, I'M NOT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT'S CRAZY.

- AND THAT YOU THINK IT MIGHT BE FUN TO TAKE IT OUT ON ME.

PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

- "DO"? I CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

I'M SICK.

MY BLANKETS ARE ON THE FLOOR.

*

SO, JJ, WE WANTED

TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE HARVEST FESTIVAL.

- YEAH, I HEARD YOU WERE BRINGING THAT BACK.

- SORRY, I HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING MYSELF.

WELL, I'M ORGANIZING THIS HUGE HARVEST FESTIVAL,

AND I NEED AT LEAST 80 LOCAL BUSINESSES

TO PARTICIPATE.

AND NORMALLY, THIS IS THE KIND OF THING

I WOULD LOVE TO DO,

BUT I'M JUST FEELING REALLY TIRED.

I THINK MAYBE MY ALLERGIES ARE ACTING UP.

I'VE ALREADY VOMITED, LIKE, FIVE TIMES TODAY.

WE'RE HAVING A MEETING TONIGHT AT THE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE,

AND WE'RE GONNA GO OVER ALL THE DETAILS,

AND WE'D JUST LOVE IF YOU COULD COME AND JOIN US.

- SURE, ANYTHING FOR MY FAVORITE CUSTOMER.

- I BET YOU SAY THAT TO ALL THE GIRLS.

- OH, NO, NO. ACTUALLY, YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.

YOU SPENT OVER $1,000 LAST YEAR ON WAFFLES ALONE.

HERE.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO BRING YOU,

SO I JUST GOT SOME MAGAZINES AND LIPSTICK--

WOMAN STUFF.

THANKS.

ALL MY PARENTS GOT ME WAS THAT.

- OKAY, WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD

AT VISITING PEOPLE IN HOSPITALS,

SO I'M GOING TO GO.

- HEY, IF YOU SEE ANDY, WILL YOU NOT TELL HIM I'M HERE?

- OKAY. - BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED,

I DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK-- - STOP.

DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

THE LESS I KNOW ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S AFFAIRS,

THE HAPPIER I AM.

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN CARING ABOUT PEOPLE.

I ONCE WORKED WITH A GUY FOR THREE YEARS

AND NEVER LEARNED HIS NAME--

BEST FRIEND I EVER HAD.

WE STILL NEVER TALK SOMETIMES.

MMM.

SO WE'VE DEVELOPED A REVENUE-SHARING FORMULA

THAT WILL HOPEFULLY APPEAL TO MOST BUSINESS OWNERS.

LESLIE!

GO HOME. YOU'RE SICK.

- I'M NOT SICK. IT'S JUST ALLERGIES.

COME ON, GUYS. JUST LET ME IN THERE.

- NO. - YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE.

YOU'RE NOT COMING IN.

- LESLIE, YOU LOOK TIRED, AND YOU'RE ALL SWEATY.

- YOU LOOK TIRED, AND YOU'RE ALL SWEATY ALL THE TIME.

WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE? YOU WANT TO GO THERE, JERRY?

- NO. - FINE, I'M COMING IN.

- DONNA, BARRICADE THE DOOR, NOW!

- DONNA, COME ON, JUST LET ME IN.

UN-UH.

- EITHER GO HOME, OR GO BACK INTO QUARANTINE.

I'M NOT GOING HOME.

- GET OUT OF HERE, LESLIE. GO HOME.

HIT THE BRICKS.

- OH, COME ON. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

SHE'S GERMING UP ALL MY STUFF.

AW, YUCK. LESLIE!

- ANN PERKINS. - HEY.

HOW WAS YOUR RUN?

- ENDED WITH A 5 1/2-MINUTE MILE,

MY PERSONAL LOW.

I THINK THE PAVEMENT IN THIS TOWN IS SOFT.

- WHAT'S WITH THE MASK? - FLU PREVENTION.

MY BODY IS FINELY TUNED, LIKE A MICROCHIP.

AND THE FLU IS LIKE A GRAIN OF SAND.

IT COULD LITERALLY SHUT DOWN THE ENTIRE SYSTEM.

MY BODY'S LIKE A CHIP TOO.

POTATO CHIP.

NO.

SPEAKING OF POTATO CHIPS,

YOU AND I ARE ON FOR DINNER TOMORROW, YES?

YES, DEFINITELY.

I'M SUPER, SUPER EXCITED.

LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

EXCELLENT.

WAY TO GO, BUDDY. WAY TO GO.

- WE'VE BEEN ON A COUPLE OF DATES.

I REALLY LIKE HIM.

THE PROBLEM IS, HE'S LIKE A PERFECT HUMAN MAN.

I CAN'T FIND ONE FLAW.

THERE WAS ONE TIME I THOUGHT HE FARTED.

BUT IT WAS ME.

- I NEED TO FIND SOMEONE TO FILL IN FOR APRIL.

NOW, I KNOW I'M NOT GONNA FIND SOMEONE

WHO'S BOTH AGGRESSIVELY MEAN AND APATHETIC.

APRIL REALLY IS THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

BUT I THINK I MIGHT KNOW SOMEONE

WHO WILL BE JUST AS INEFFECTIVE.

HELLO, ANDREW. WHAT'S NEW?

UM, A WHOLE LOT.

CHECK THIS OUT. I JUST INVENTED IT--

SUPER STRAW.

*

AHH.

- SO JUST SIT HERE AND DO YOUR THING.

- DO I HAVE TO TUCK MY SHIRT IN?

BECAUSE, HONESTLY, THAT'S KIND OF A DEAL BREAKER.

LET 'ER FLY.

HEY, WAIT.

WHERE'S APRIL?

IS SHE ALL RIGHT?

- YEAH. I JUST GAVE HER THE DAY OFF.

- WOULD IT BE WEIRD IF I ASKED FOR THE DAY OFF?

YEAH, NO. IT'S OKAY. I DIDN'T THINK SO.

- I'M SORRY. ARE YOU LEAVING?

I THOUGHT WE HAD A MEETING. - NO, WE DO.

IT'S JUST I THINK IT'S A LITTLE CHILLY IN HERE.

- ARE YOU OKAY? YOUR EYES ARE GLASSY.

- OH, MY GOD. OH, MY--

IS SHE--IS SHE SICK? ARE YOU SICK?

- NO. - YEAH, SHE'S SICK.

THAT'S WHY I'M WEARING THIS

AND MISTING MYSELF WITH HAND SANITIZER.

I AM NOT SICK.

I JUST HAVE ALLERGIES, OKAY?

I TOOK A CLARITIN, AND I THREW THAT UP.

SO I TOOK ANOTHER ONE. I THREW THAT UP.

AND THEN I TOOK A THIRD, AND IT STAYED DOWN.

I'M GETTING BETTER.

- ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE BURNING UP.

- YOU'RE BURNING UP. WHAT?

I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.

I HAVE 2.8% BODY FAT.

MY BODY'S LIKE A MICROCHIP.

A GRAIN OF SAND COULD DESTROY IT.

MY BODY'S A MICROCHIP.

LESLIE, GO HOME.

- NO, I CAN'T. I CAN'T GO HOME.

I HAVE TO GET READY FOR THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.

COMMERCE.

- IF THIS MEETING DOES NOT GO PERFECTLY,

THEN THE HARVEST FESTIVAL'S GONNA BE OVER BEFORE IT BEGAN.

I CANNOT GO HOME.

- OKAY, THEN WHO IS YOUR DOCTOR? - ANN'S MY DOCTOR.

AND SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NURSE IN THE WORLD.

- COME ON. - OH, GOD.

NOW I'M HOT. NOW IT'S REALLY HOT IN HERE.

- OKAY, WELL, THAT'S YOUR FEVER.

- LESLIE, I TYPED YOUR SYMPTOMS INTO THE THING UP HERE,

AND IT SAYS YOU COULD HAVE NETWORK CONNECTIVITY PROBLEMS.

104.1.

LESLIE, YOU'RE DEHYDRATED. I'M ADMITTING YOU.

- IF I WAS SICK, COULD I DO THIS?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - CARTWHEELS.

AM I NOT DOING THEM?

- NO. - LOOK, DON'T WORRY.

I'VE DONE PRESENTATIONS LIKE THIS BEFORE,

AND TOM WILL BE WITH ME.

SO YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.

- IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T TRUST BEN.

IT'S THAT I DON'T HAVE FAITH IN BEN.

AND ALSO, I'M STARTING TO FORGET WHO BEN IS.

- I'LL HANDLE THE GENERAL OUTLINE, IF YOU WANT TO...

- LOOK. - JUST JUMP RIGHT IN.

- THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO

WITH AN IMPORTANT PRESENTATION LIKE THIS IS OVER-PREPARE.

- WELL-- - SO...

I THINK IT'S BEST IF I GO TO THE SPA.

- NO, WE PROMISED LESLIE WE'D PREP FOR THE MEETING.

- NO, BEN, YOU PROMISED LESLIE.

SEE, I NEVER PROMISE LESLIE ANYTHING.

THAT WAY, I NEVER DISAPPOINT HER.

I TRY TO BE CONSIDERATE.

WELL...

I AM OFF FOR A SOAK AND A SCHVITZ.

"ARRIVEDERCH."

RON SWANSON'S OFFICE.

YES.

I WILL TRANSFER YOU.

I JUST DROPPED ANOTHER CALL.

- I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE A FRESH SET OF PILLOWS.

- ARE YOU TRYING TO SMOTHER ME?