M*A*S*H

Dear Dad.

Something new has been added: A tape recorder.

One of our guys stole it from the Tokyo PX.

He gave it to a nurse as a carnal bribe,

and then she gave it to Father Mulcahy

in a gin‐induced fit of remorse.

Father Mulcahy gave it to me

because he didn't want anybody to think

he was taping confessions.

Our program originates from the Swamp,

which is the subject of a picture spread

in next month's Toilet and Garden.

Not five feet away from me I see Trapper John McIntyre

cutting his toenails.

He sells them to the tourists as war souvenirs.

Say hello, Trapper.

Hello, Trapper.

Isn't he clever?

He had the bolt in his neck tightened yesterday.

Speaking of which‐‐

yesterday, that is‐‐

we had what is known around the 4‐0‐double 7

as a full, rich day.

It started out in triage. That's the process

of assigning the wounded medical priority:

who's hurt the worst, who's sicker than who.

‐On the subject of sick‐‐ ‐Move, move, move.

...Frank Burns was in charge.

I share quarters with Frank‐‐

Frank and a family of roaches and a herd of silverfish.

‐Driver! ‐Frank is the tall one.

Where's the driver?

I want the driver of this bus, chop‐chop!

What do you want the driver for, Frank?

I want to know what we got on this bus!

Migrant workers, Frank.

They came to pick the lettuce crop.

Give this man a unit of whole blood.

He didn't make the ride. I can't find a tag.

This must be the Luxembourg lieutenant.

‐Are you the driver of this bus? ‐Yes, sir.

I've ordered you not to wear dresses.

Oh, not till I get a psycho discharge, sir.

‐Over my dead body. ‐Whatever you say, sir.

Where's your S‐47 manifest and D‐21 triplicate?

You should have given those to me immediately.

Sir, these men are hurt and bleeding.

Did you give them permission to bleed, Frank?

Did they fill in their pain forms?

Oh, stuff it, you wagster!

‐What about him? ‐Leave him. He can wait.

MAN (on P. A.): Captains Pierce and McIntyre

report to O. R. immediately.

Move it, sirs.

All yours, Frank.

Not too many decisions now.

You don't want to get a headache.

What have you got there?

I said, what have you got there?

A sandwich case, Major.

You want him back up or belly up?

(man shouting in foreign language)

Turkish soldier, sir.

I'm pretty nuts,

but this guy could open a crazy school.

Why wasn't this man sedated?

He was, sir.

They pumped a whole drugstore into his arm.

He's got a busted shoulder and a fanny full of lead,

but these Turks won't leave their buddies for nothing.

‐(shouts) ‐Right.

Major, you want to take away that knife of his?

I'm not interested in mock heroism.

I'll settle for the real thing, sir.

Get him to pre‐op! They'll sedate him!

Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress tonight!

Never on a first date, sir.

Don't sneak down on me like that.

I'm sorry, Major.

Whatever happened to saluting, Corporal?

Beats me, sir. Have you seen the Luxembourg lieutenant sir?

Captain McIntyre says he's supposed to be on this bus,

but I can't find anybody with his identifi‐‐

I don't care what Captain McIntyre said.

I have never cared. And at this moment,

I don't care twice as much as I never cared before!

Hey!

Excuse me.

I need some help.

I believe a salute is in order, Lieutenant.

Uh, here's a salute for you, sir.

What's your outfit, buddy?

I'd appreciate some help right now.

I asked your outfit.

My sergeant, Sergeant Bryan, is in the back of the jeep.

He's badly hurt. I want you to take care of him immediately.

Look, Lieutenant, I know how difficult this war is.

It probably seems even worse to you people at the front.

Your Sergeant Bryan will be processed and taken care of in due course.

Now.

Sir,

that's one of those new guns

can shoot 30 corporals a second.

I make the medical decisions around here, Lieutenant.

Decide.

Are you threatening me with that thing?

Yes, sir.

‐Corporal? ‐Sir?

You're a witness.

I sure wish I could go and report it, sir.

Just stay right here and keep an eye on this man.

I think Colonel Blake will have a little something to say about all this.

Hi.

Where does that door go?

That's the pre‐op‐‐

p‐preparation before operating.

All right. Get another man

and take Sergeant Bryan in there.

Only surgical personnel can go in there, sir.

‐Do it. ‐That's a great idea.

Why don't I just go get a man

and do just like you wanted me to?

You have no idea, Dad, what a calming effect

Frank Burns has in pre‐op.

Not unlike Dracula showing up at a blood bank.

Fortunately, we can, in times of stress

always rely on Henry Blake's cool eloquence.

Will you hold your bladder, Frank?

I tell you, he threatened me with a gun!

It probably had no water in it, Frank.

‐Is this the crazy Turk? ‐Yeah.

I gave him half a grain of morphine, sir.

Will you never mind about the crazy Turk?

There's a crazy American out there!

Sorry, Frank. This is the crazy Turk hospital.

The crazy American hospital's on the other side of town.

Get him on the table.

You just didn't read the guy right or something, Frank.

I mean, nobody walks in and sticks up a MASH unit at gunpoint.

‐Bring him in. ‐Colonel

‐Who's the head man here? ‐Um, he is.

You rank this chicken lover?

Well, I'm the I'm the senior officer.

Sir, my name is Smith. This is Sergeant Bryan.

He's one of the finest men alive,

and we're going to keep him alive, right?

And he's gonna get top priority, right?

Now, look here, Lieutenant, uh

‐Smith. ‐That's right.

First thing you're gonna do, Smith, is put that gun down.

Guns have a way of going off, which is usually followed by

parts of the body breaking away.

Why don't Lieutenant Smith and I have a talk outside?

‐Okay. ‐Oh, no. Not till someone‐‐

Meanwhile, your friend will be looked at

by Colonel Blake and Major Chicken Lover.

Let's go, shall we?

You're just spreading germs in here.

Is that the guy, Frank?

Uh‐huh.

‐You smoke? ‐No.

Oh, good for you.

The country's littered with butts as it is,

turning South Korea into an ashtray.

‐They call you Smitty? ‐Some.

They call me Hawkeye.

That's from The Last of the Mohicans,

the only book my father ever read.

Mother read all the time.

That way she didn't have to talk to Father.

Uh, look, Smitty, I'm gonna have to go serious on you

about this thing, okay?

Yes, sir.

We have a different perspective on war as a whole

than I think is possible for you.

To a line officer with 30 or 40 guys' lives depending on them

and with your life depending on them,

the war's not some big geopolitical conflict

between nations and ideologies.

It's not just China and America

sticking their tongues out at each other.

To you, there's maybe 30 or 40 guys

in that high grass over there

trying to kill me and my 30 or 40 guys.

It's that concentrated. To you, that's the entire war.

I guess that's right.

But it's something else in our little heaven.

To us, the war is trying very hard to control chaos.

We're up to our bottoms in other people's bottoms here.

We can't afford the same kind of fierce personal loyalties

that you and Sergeant Bryan feel for each other.

Can you understand that?

I sure can.

It's the size of the wound,

who's bleeding the most buckets

that we give priority to.

It's the only place I know

where being the worst makes you the best.

Yeah. I sure can see what you mean.

I thought you would.