Not Going Out

I can't believe that you sat through

the whole of that film whilst knitting.

I like to keep my hands busy during a film - it helps me relax.

I used that excuse when I was watching Basic Instinct,

but they still threw me out.

So what did you think of it?

Well, it wouldn't have been my choice.

It was French with subtitles. So?

So, I'm supposed to be watching a film, not reading a book.

I mean, when I'm choosing a book,

I don't go for one with just loads of pictures in it.

Yes, you do.

I'll hail a cab.

Hang on, it's a nice evening.

Maybe, we could... walk back.

Veux-tu promenader avec moi?

Oui, le petit poison est sur la table.

Pourquoi pas?

Apres tout, c'est un soir d'ete chaud et le clair de lune est magnifique.

Oui... le petit poison est sur la table.

Come on then, let's do it. It's a nice night.

Pain au chocolate.

Are you sure this is the right way?

Why don't these places ever have signs?

Well, there's a number to ring here if you want hard action tonight.

Well, that's not very helpful.

I know, how are you supposed to get a signal down here?

Uh-oh.

Don't worry, they're just kids.

When I was their age, I was always hanging around

underground places like this.

You're from the north. You were probably down a pit.

Come on, let's just go another way.

Don't be silly. You're with me. I know how to handle myself.

Please, no more of the Basic Instinct story.

Thing to do is walk through here like you own the place.

You certainly look like a man who owns a subway full of urine.

Oh. That was pretty good, wasn't it?

I'd be surprised if Len Goodman doesn't give us a seven for that.

Sorry, can't let you through the tunnel

without paying the tunnel tax. The what? The tunnel tax.

You want to go through, then you got to pay.

Come on, Lee, we'll go a different way.

Well, you see the thing is you're already in the tunnel,

so you're going to have to pay the tax.

Have you ever thought of working for Ryanair?

Look, we don't have any money.

So what's in the bag then? Nothing. Just some knitting.

That's all right. We love a bit of knitting don't we, lads?

I thought they warned you lot about sharing needles.

There, see?

I'm only messing with you, sweetheart.

Go on, put knitting away. I'll take the whole bag.

Hey! Give it back!

Don't worry, Lucy, I'll deal with this,

and don't try to stop me.

You're not going to. Right...

Oi! Get back here!

I'm going to do you a favour, Lee.

You want to look like the big man in front of your wife?

She's not my wife. Whatever, your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend either.

All right, some random woman that you're banging.

All right, let's go with that.

So here's your chance to be the big man.

I'll fight you for the bag.

Yeah, because nothing says raw, unfettered masculinity

like two men fighting over a handbag.

Your choice... Lee.

That's not fair. I don't know your name.

They call me Razorblade.

Oh, that was my mother's name.

Well, Jeannette... the best a man can get.

They call me Razorblade because I know how to use one.

Well, that'll come in handy when you reach puberty.

What did you say? Nothing.

You're lucky! Why am I lucky?

Well, because you have won a free handbag. Well done.

I think you're right, Lucy, maybe we should go the other way.

Well, usually the chances of recovering property in these

circumstances are slim, but you say your bag contained a tracker.

What kind exactly?

Chocolate chip.

I see. So, can you describe this gang?

Er yeah, there was about five of them. There were three.

Was there? I didn't notice.

I was too busy tackling the ringleader.

What makes you think he was the ringleader?

Because he had a top hat and he was carrying a whip,

and he was stood on the back of a horse.

He was armed with a whip?

No, there was no weapon. No weapon.

Hang on, he could have head butted me. There's your weapon.

OK, I'll make a note of that. "Suspect had a head."

So, can you describe this ringleader?

Er, yeah, same as the others. White, about 19 years old...

More like 15. Well, he was at least 16 or 17.

So, why did you say he was 19?

Cos by the time you arrest him he probably will be.

Sir, you have to be as accurate as possible in your description.

It doesn't help us if you over dramatise.

I'm not over dramatising.

Height? About 6' 7".

I'd say about 5' 8".

Well, he looked taller than that from where I was.

Where were you, on your knees?

Yes, I was in a dark underpass,

in front of a young man carrying a handbag and I was on my knees.

So, we've got three to five white boys, between 15 and 19,

from 5' 8 " to 6' 7".

Well, I'll just pop off and arrest One Direction and we're sorted.

Are you sure you're not a strip-a-gram?

Well, we'll do our best and we'll be in touch.

Sorry? Why aren't you going out now and arresting these people?

Well, your description is a little vague, sir,

and we don't prioritise knitting thieves.

Well, you should. They might be following a pattern.

You're up and out early.

I popped out to buy something. What? Nothing really.

I just felt bad about you having your handbag taken

so I thought, until you get round to replacing it with one

you really like, you can at least use this.

So, how are you feeling?

Well, I'm still quite angry but there's nothing we can do, I suppose.

Yeah, I think we should just forget about it and move on.

Yeah. Although it's hard,

especially when someone who should help turns out to be useless.

Pardon? The policewoman. Right.

You know, someone who should be there to make you feel protected,

but doesn't come up with the goods.

Police again, right? Yeah.

And to top it all off, I wake up this morning to find somebody left

the freezer door open last night and all the food has defrosted.

Bloody police.

So, is that all you're annoyed about? Me leaving the freezer open?

Yeah. Good.

Oh, my God! Are you all right?

I came as soon as I heard. You must be feeling terrible!

She's fine. Yeah, I know she's fine. I mean you.

Being humiliated like that and all those people knowing.

What people? Oh, sorry. I might have told a few people.

Well, it's a shame I wasn't with you, Lucy.

I would have seen them off. Yeah, right(!)

Have I never told you about the time I was mugged at a cashpoint?

Well, there he was demanding I take money out of my account,

and in the panic I forgot my PIN.

God, what happened?

Well, luckily I remembered it just in time,

pulled it out of my hair and stabbed him in the throat with it.

Thanks, Beatrix Potter, but I preferred your old stuff.

If you want my advice, Lucy, you should tool up. Tool up?

Yeah, you can see off a criminal by spraying them with pepper.

Yeah, and if that doesn't work, you can sprinkle them with Parmesan.

All right, Lee. It's all good mocking,

but at least she's trying to help. Oh, I see.

Daisy, can I have little talk with Lucy? Yeah, that's fine.

Alone. Oh.

Just say it. Say what?

You know what. The elephant in the room. What elephant?

Or has he been nicked as well?

First a bag, now a trunk.

All right, I'll go first. I think what happened was my fault

and I think you think that, too. No, I don't.

Yes, you do. You're angry because I did nothing.

No, I'm not. You did everything you could.

Oh, I see. So you don't think I'm not capable of defending you?

Oh, Lee, I didn't say that.

I think you're perfectly capable of defending me.

Oh, right. So, you think I'm capable of defending you -

I just didn't bother.

Lee, let it go. I don't think anything bad about you.

It wasn't all your fault.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What do you mean it wasn't ALL fault? It wasn't my fault at all!

Well, you just said it was!

I just said that to get the truth out of you and it worked.

I wish these powers I had over women worked in other departments!

I just meant that another person might have dealt with

the situation a little bit differently.

Ah, and there it is. We got there in the end.

Euston, the eagle has landed.

It's Houston, not Euston.

Unless, of course, you were at a falconry exhibition

at a London train station.

You think that I should toughen up.

Absolute nonsense.

Where are you going?

To the boxing gym, to do something I should have done years ago.

You do know we've got a shower, don't you?

You look new.

You don't.

I want some boxing training.

Fill this in.

Well, this is a 12-month contract.

I'm only coming until I've put some muscle on

and learnt to look after myself.

Oh. You might want the three-year contract.

Well, don't forget your bank details.

Can't I just pay as I go along?

Oh, no. I've seen the likes of you before.