Miranda

Well, hello to you and thank you for welcoming me into your room.

I don't mean this image of me on your screen, I mean, look behind you - I've crept in!

Not really. At least one of you looked.

The reason I'm cowering - I've had the worst week of my life.

Mum's been staying.

Not just that - she's been trapped inside with a bad back

for five very long days.

I even had to take her to the loo. I'll never recover.

There should be a law against mothers wearing thongs.

Mike accepted a training course to get away.

I am at the plotting-her-death stage.

Oh, yes, and she's got a bell.

Once more unto the breach...

And when I say fresh towel,

I don't mean Febrezed and flapped outside of the window.

And have you got my magazines yet?

And have you changed that bin liner?

I'm doing, I'm doing it!

Oh, sorry about that.

Yes, dear?

Could you pass me the doobries? Don't call them doobries.

The remote control doobries.

It's just remote control.

You don't need to put doobries at the end.

What is it with mothers?

You give birth, you instantly don't understand

anything technical any more. Ridiculous.

But you suddenly have a spare drawer of greeting cards, don't you?

Yes, and you walk in to a room to ask a question

and then you just answer it yourself.

I'm just here!

I'd like my sheets changed before I eat.

What's that?

It's your mobile. Every time!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, darling. Are you on the homo phone?

Land line!

Don't call it a homo phone.

Oh, the hotel phone.

No, of course I haven't been a burden!

Yes, I wish I were there, too. Do you remember '68?

Me and belly dancing. Ha-ha!

Stop it, Sheikh Sexy!

I'll have to use the safe word! Urgh, no!

Not under my roof, young lady!

Never do this with a man. This position does nothing for your chin.

Unacceptable sentence.

Now, is there anything else I can get you?

Like a killer blow to the face?

What, who said that?

I'll have you know I have the right to be demanding.

I earned that right the minute

I pushed a ten-pound you through my clacker.

I can't apologise enough.

You may think it's been hard for you...

Yes, hello! Oh, bell!

"Plump this, dust-bust that.

"Oh, could you turn the TV up when the news is on?

"Could you turn it down if they're left wing?

"Can you please put the subtitles on Taggart?

"I simply can't understand the accents.

"Plunge the loo before I go, expunge the bath."

Any activities ending in "unge" should be banned.

I am on an unge protest.

Although plunge is a lovely word.

Plunge.

Plunge.

Well, you try living with someone

who farts every time she gets up from a chair...

uses oven gloves for slippers and wastes her life snack-fishing.

I've seen you try it. It is fun! Snack-fishing!

What will I get?

Oh, a malt loaf!

Would you mind if I read my magazine in peace?

Ooh, a Bakewell!

Stop pretending to be a geisha in your oven glove slippers.

Stop pretending to be Darcey Bussell.

Oh! I've seen something awful.

Your face - it must have been a terrible shock!

Ha, nice one, Mummy!

Oh, no, it is there, it's a grey hair.

It's my first grey hair.

What are you doing? I'm colouring it in.

This is all your fault.

You've driven me to old age. I feel ill.

May I remind you that I am the one with a severe muscle spasm?

Yes, and whose fault is that?

Every other year, I have won Ladies Latte Karate Pilates

with no problem.

Oh, no, there's another one!

Oh, well, this is it, isn't it?

This is the end. My youth is over.

I'm turning in to my what-I-call-mother.

What a joyful day that will be for you.

Yes. No, I can't wait.

I can't wait to decide whether to go out or not

by looking at the weather report.

Look outside - that's the weather!

Oh. I hoped for ten years of following dreams, ten of going...

tsk, "kids", and a good 20 years of cake-bakery,

garden centres and "such fun" before the simmering racism creeps in.

Will you stop wallowing like an oversized walrus?

Walruses are already oversized. That's my point - you're massive.

Like you were the day I pushed you out through my...

Where are my reading glasses? On your head.

Where, where are they? On your head.

Those are my driving glasses.

Where are my reading glasses?

On your head, on your head, on your head!

Oh, they're on my head. On your head!

Such fun!

NOT fun.

You see, this is the kind of thing. I'm ageing with irritation.

Soon I'll be ironing napkins and texting in capitals.

I mean, I don't mean to be dramatic but... I'm realising now that

I'm entering my twilight years and I've never even really lived.

Thank you.

All I think about now is death - mine and the potential joy of yours.

What, who said that?

Do you ever think about the things you've never done with your life?

I mean, I've never walked barefoot through Paris

or showered under a waterfall.

I've never been to a music festival.

I think my greatest achievement

was when I tied massive helium balloons to Stevie

when she was asleep.

She woke up on the ceiling!

Do you have regrets, Mum?

I should have gone on that barge holiday with Roger Moore.

I only had three of the four members of the pop sensation Bucks Fizz.

And I SHOULD have joined the dance troupe, Pan's People.

You? Pan's People? They said I gave one of the most sensual

auditions in the group's history.

Now, look, will you stop having an existential crisis and smarten up?

Dr Gale will be here any minute.

Dr Gale's coming here?

Yes, so make yourself look more homely, less homeless.

You look like a model for the Sue Ryder Foundation.

Dr Gale has gone private. Even more of a catch.

I'd like to remind you that I have a boyfriend now.

But this is Dr Gale. He is...

Seriously hot!

Right.

Febrezing!

A bit of spray.

Ooh! Oh, that's stingy!

Oh, it's hairspray!

Oh, that's given me a little joie de vivre.

No! Sorry.

Hello, Dr Foxy!

Come in.

Sorry I'm late. Terrible traffic because of this music festival.

Sorry, Doctor, I hope it doesn't smell in here.

We've been a bit cooped up so it might smell of breath or...

Let's leave it at breath.

I'll crack open a window, shall I?

Ooh, crack! Cheeky. Crack.

Plunge.

Plunge my crack. No!

So, how are we? Oh, hello, Doctor.

As I said on the phone, I think you'll benefit from an injection.

If you can just manage to get on your front...

Absolutely, yes.

I meant the patient.

Sorry, Doctor. So silly of me!

The injection will be in your bottom.

Very good. And that should have you up and moving about very soon.

Well, hello!

Hello!

Ladies.

So, what are you a doctor of... gorgeousity?

Do get in touch if it's not eased off by the morning.

Certainly will, ha-ha! Oh, sorry, snorted.

What is wrong with us?

Stop it!

Now, how's the patient?

Well, I... Penny, c'est fini. I have an announcementington.

I have decided, X Factor-style pause-ios...

Bear with.

To become a life coach!

Help us all!

I mean, isn't that just pour moi? Totes perfectulant?

No, that is just marvelo-drome.

I could life-coach you, Queen Kong.

- I don't need a life coach. - Yes, you do.

Yes, you do.

- Well, I can't afford it. - We'll pay.

I have savings. I'll lend you the money.

I'll sell a kidney.

I'm not up to this abuse. I'm really not feeling very well.

My headache's now been going on for five days.

That could be something serious, actually. I'm going to Google it.

Oh, she's such a hypo.

Hey, Penny! How are you feeling?

Well, I've been flat on my...

I've got cerebral venous thrombosis!

I'm not going to hospital.

I mean, if things aren't bad enough, they make you wear a gown

with a what-I-call-arse-gap.