Family Guy

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story tonight, scientists at NASA

have made a fascinating new discovery:

the first directly observable instance of a black hole,

which appears to be located just outside our solar system.

Tricia Takanawa has the story.

Tom, I'm standing here with Stephen Hawking,

the first white man I've ever met

who knows math better than me.

Mr. Hawking, what does the discovery of this black hole

mean to you and your research?

I am overjoyed.

This is the crowning achievement of my career.

It validates the work of a lifetime.

It certainly does.

Back to you, Tom.

All right, we're clear.

I'm telling you, man,

this shtick is getting so old.

That chair smells, dude.

Hey, Steve, surf's up!

All right!

See you, bitch!

Everyone, guess what.

What?

I have been selected.

For what?

Oh, nothing too important, just jury duty!

They have summoned me.

I am part of an elite group of individuals

deemed intelligent enough to decide

the fate of a fellow citizen.

Ah, the amused laughter of the envious.

You know, they don't just pick anybody for this job.

Yeah, they do.

Brian, perhaps I have not made myself clear.

I have been entrusted to pass judgment upon others.

Everybody gets called for jury duty, you stupid idiot!

I've been called!

The only reason you've never been called

is that they use the voter registration list,

and this past election is the first time you ever voted.

I voted before.

I stuffed the ballot box at the Oscars.

And the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role are:

Grover, Bluto from Popeye,

a red guy, a boob

and Daniel Day Lewis.

And the Oscar goes to...

a red guy!

Wait a second. Y-You're saying that

everyone is asked to do jury duty?

Yes, Peter.

So then, I'm not special?

Everyone's special, Peter.

Rock Drummer Tommy Lee?!

And if your wife ever tells you that you're not special,

punch her really hard right in her hepatitis.

Thanks, Rock Drummer Tommy Lee!

Hey, and you know what else is cool?

Having sex with sunglasses on.

I've got a lot of things to try now!

I don't want to go to jury duty.

Turns out it's not a special honor at all. It's lame.

And the worst part is, they try and trick you

into getting excited by putting "duty" in the title.

So, you were excited when you thought

there was fecal matter involved?

What the hell is fecal matter?

Waste. Huh?

Doody. Ha-ha!

Peter, jury duty is an important cornerstone

in our democratic society.

Yeah, that's what separates us from the monkeys.

That and the armed guards at the zoo.

Man, they got some sexy monkeys down there.

I don't care, jury duty sounds boring.

I'm gonna get myself kicked out.

Just like I got kicked out of Coldplay.

Guys, guys, I got an idea!

How 'bout we do a song that's not whiny bull crap?

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

We're gonna ask you a series of questions to determine

whether or not you can be impartial jurors.

First off, do any of you have any prejudices

you feel the court should know of?

Yes, you sir.

Ants. I hate ants.

What?

That's right, you heard me.

I'm an ant hater.

Just like my daddy and his daddy before him.

So, if this is an ant trial, forget it.

No way I'm gonna be fair.

Always making those cocky little hills.

Moving around all single file and stupid.

All ganging up and walking my pie off the picnic blanket.

'Twas my pie gone missing!

Sir, this is not an ant trial.

Oh.

Is there anything else we should know about?

Oh, have you not heard?

Heard what?

? A well-a-bird-bird-bird ?

? B-Bird's the word, a well-a-bird-bird-bird ?

? B-Bird's the word, a well-a... ?

All right, now the prosecution is about to show you

items pertinent to this case

that have been entered into evidence.

It is vitally important that you look but don't touch,

as any fingerprints could contaminate them.

Exhibit A, one bloody Slinky.

Oh.

Exhibit B,

one semen-covered View-Master.

Oh!

With the reel of the Grand Canyon.

Oh!

And a blood-splattered Mr. Potato Head.

Oh!

And these socks you really need.

Oh!

All right, everyone, we're going to take a ten-minute recess.

I would like to remind members of the jury that you are

forbidden to discuss details of the case outside the courtroom.

Hey, how about this trial, huh?

And all its details.

Let's discuss them.

He said not to!

Aw, hey, you know how the judge told us

not to make up our minds beforehand?

Let's make up our minds.

Griffin, shut up!

Hey, I know the judge said

not to run in the hall, but check this out!

Griffin! Knock it off!

Hey, come on, Judge, tell us the answer.

The Mexican guy did it, right?

We now return to How Henry Kissinger Met Your Mother.

I was walking with my professor

when I saw this woman who was...

Stewie, can you please move?

You're blocking the TV.

No! And I'll thank you to quiet down.

I'm playing action figures.

Prepare to be bested on the battlefield, Lion-O.

Oh, I don't think so, He-Man.

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry, did I punch you too hard?

Yes, I suppose you don't know your own strength.

I mean, look at your muscles.

Oh, stop it, you're the one with the sick abs.

God, my mouth is watering just looking at you.

Yeah, that's right.

You buy your kids ridiculously homoerotic dolls

and then ask what happened?

Yep. Your gay son is on you, buddy.

Explain that to your god.

Off to another day of jury duty, sweetie?

Yeah, and it sucks.

Even the vending machines are out of order.

I don't want to go back to stupid jury duty.

There's got to be some way I can get out of it.

This is Tom Tucker with some breaking news.

NASA has made the alarming announcement

that the newly discovered black hole

at the edge of our solar system appears to be expanding.

Neptune and Pluto have already been consumed,

and scientists estimate that the event horizon

will reach Earth by tomorrow.

That's right, Tom.

Which means th all life on Earth

will be destroyed within 24 hours.

Oh, my God!

Mom, is, is this for real?

Well, it sure looks that way, sweetie.

It's the end of the world!

Holy crap!

Seems like I've run out of waiting time.

...but it looks like Nicole Ritchie's baby

is gonna be just fine.

Also in the news, the doomsday clock is ticking

with less than 19 hours to go before our planet

is consumed by an expanding black hole.

As Americans everywhere face their last day on Earth,

one can only imagine how they're spending it.

Hey, Mort.

Now that the end of the world is here,

I just wanted to say no hard feelings, huh?

Ow!

Psych! Ha-ha!

Embedded in the hand.

Have fun where you're going.

Well, it's become clear,

the only way to avert this disaster

is by writing a strongly-worded letter to the black hole.

"Dear space.

"Well, you're just full of surprises, aren't you?

"You think you're so good 'cause you went to Choate.

"Well, you're not gonna be so tough