M*A*S*H

You having much pain?

Not much. But I'm a little groggy.

I'm a little groggy myself.

Do you wanna lie down?

You better save your strength.

‐Major. ‐Oh, Able,

I'm glad you're here. I need some rest.

Yeah, you really look beat. Good, but beat.

‐Thanks. ‐Good night.

It's nearly morning.

Halt! Who goes there?

Klinger, you're a disgrace to the army.

Thank you, ma'am. I'm doing my best.

I'll escort you to your tent.

‐Over my dead body. ‐That's possible, Major.

Some North Korean prisoners have been released in the area.

An attractive person like yourself might be in danger.

Of course, the same is true for me.

I can take care of myself, Cinderella.

I understand this is a good neighborhood

to pick up sailors.

Oh, can it.

Halt! Who goes there?

She's either surrendering or signaling for a touchdown.

What the hell is she saying?

Her mother's giving birth and needs help.

I'll get my bag.

This is what happens to you

when you don't eat your vegetables.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

‐But, ma'am, that's dangerous! ‐I'll be fine.

If anything happens to you, can I have your clothes?

Klinger, I'm here to relieve you.

Good. Undo my bra.

I usually don't let guys do this on the first date.

Ooh.

Looks like you're gonna be wearing a bigger hat

for a while, soldier.

Yes, sir.

I can't make this out.

When did he last have morphine?

I can't read it, either.

It's Major Houlihan's writing.

Gee, she writes bad enough to be a doctor.

Radar, get her over here on the double.

What if she's not dressed?

Bring her in her birthday suit.

My pleasure. I'll get her.

We took enough shrapnel out of you to build a jeep.

Two seconds to go. Celtics down by one.

Pierce with a 50‐foot hook shot.

He makes it! The crowd goes wild!

They spill onto the court.

He's smothered with cheerleaders.

Girls, please, there's enough to go around.

Whoo! Girls! Whoo!

‐Are you okay, sir? ‐Never better.

Have you ever been attacked by a squadron of cheerleaders

shaking their pom‐poms in your face?

No, sir, we never had cheerleaders.

‐My condolences to your libido. ‐Right.

Uh, sir, I'm looking for Major Houlihan.

Oh, Radar, you little devil.

Uh, no, it's not for me, sir.

It's for Colonel Potter.

That's even worse. He's a married man.

Uh, come on, sir. I gotta find her.

‐Have you looked in her tent? ‐Yeah.

So have I, but she keeps catching me.

Two points!

Let's ask the average G.I.

Excuse me, sir, I have a question for you.

Ah, that must be the one I ordered last week.

‐Where is it? ‐It's in my mouth.

‐Spit it out. ‐The corporal here and I

are looking for a Major Houlihan.

Sorry, but I know a geisha house in Tokyo

where you can get a minor Houlihan.

Come on, guys. This is important.

Well, I've just been in the shower,

and I didn't see anyone in there

with clusters like Margaret's.

Will you guys pipe down!

There's a doctor trying to sleep here!

Then shut up, Frank. You might wake him.

And nuts to you.

Master of the half‐witticism.

What are you doing here, grunthead?

I'm trying to locate Major Houlihan.

You mean Major Houlihan, sir.

I don't know what to call her anymore.

She says "ma'am." You say "sir."

Any mindless baboon can see she's not here,

including me.

‐Now get out! ‐Okay!

But I'm telling you, it's really spooky.

It's like she disappeared or somethin'.

Check Houdini's tent.

People just don't disappear.

Tell that to Amelia Earhart.

I hope Margaret's all right.

Trust me. She's great.

How can you make jokes when she could be lying

out there in a ditch somewhere with two broken legs,

with rats and bugs crawling all over her?

Frank, stop it. You're getting me excited!

Or suppose the Chinese got her, hmm?

‐Suppose King Kong got her. ‐Could be.

She's always been a little bananas.

We can't just sit around. We gotta do something.

‐You're right. I'll shave. ‐I'll take a shower.

‐Where's my shirt? ‐Here.

You used my shirt as a basketball?

Had to. Your underwear wouldn't bounce.

‐Hey, Klinger? ‐Mmm?

Uh, Klinger?

Mom, I don't wanna go to school today.

I've got a headache.

It's Radar.

Radar, I don't wanna go to school today.

Uh, have you seen Major Houlihan?

She's having a baby.

Klinger, you're dreaming.

Honey, let's get back in the front seat.

Here come the cops.

An officer shouldn't go out looking like this.

You're right, Frank.

And that wrinkled shirt doesn't help, either.

Well, where I'm going, nobody cares how I look.

Be more specific. That could be anywhere.

I'm going out into the jungle to hunt for Margaret.

Well, I understand she's game.

Oh, don't be a smarty‐pants.

She's probably been abducted by Chinese heathens.

They have her hanging upside‐down

by her feet from a bamboo tree,

doing unspeakable things to her.

Speak a few.

‐Frank? ‐Hmm?

If you don't put that gun away,

I'm gonna find a new holster for it.

You moron! You could have killed me!

It was an accident! It ricocheted off the footlocker.

‐I'll ricochet your nose off the footlocker. ‐What happened?

Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg.

‐I'm sorry. ‐Let me take a look at it.

Will you respect me in the morning?

Ah, he just grazed it.

You're gonna have to have a couple of stitches, though.

Come on, help me get him into O. R.

Frank, you're a credit to the enemy.

Oh, I said I'm sorry. What more can I do?

Put an apple in your mouth. We'll play William Tell.

Say, Beej, you're not gonna report me or anything, are you?

Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot.

‐I'm not acting! ‐Frank, get away from me!

Just promise you won't tell on me and get me in trouble.

Huh? Please? Please? Pretty please?

‐We promise, Frank. ‐POTTER: What happened here?

‐Frank shot B. J. ‐Tattletale!

Stool pigeon! Indian giver!

‐How bad is it? ‐Superficial.

Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman

as he is a surgeon.

How's your horse, sir?

When I was a kid, my daddy used to take me to the pony rides.

‐How did it happen, Burns? ‐You mean the, uh...

Right.

Well, I was cleaning my weapon,

and it discharged prematurely.

Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan.

I see. So, naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt.

Well, what's so funny, Corporal?

‐Sorry, sir. ‐Don't blame the boy, Burns.

He knows a good joke when he sees one.

Colonel, permission to go out and find the major?

Permission denied.

‐But‐‐ ‐No.

I'll be in my tent.

‐(giggling) ‐A mental pygmy.

Now, what's the story on Houlihan?

‐Nobody's seen her. ‐Strange.

I've checked with everyone

from Nurse Able to Sergeant Zale.

A to Z. Very methodical.

Well, I try to use the alphabet whenever I can, sir.

Think, Radar‐‐ you must have missed someplace.

No, I've looked everywhere except the nurses' showers.

Oh, no, sir. I couldn't look in there.

There might be naked female personnel

showering with their clothes off.

What's the big deal?

Oh, well,

"nudidity" makes me breathe funny.

Affects me the same way. Do it.

But, sir, couldn't we find somebody else,

like, uh, maybe Captain Pierce?

No, we'd never get him out of there.

‐You're the man. ‐I‐‐

Yes, sir.