United States of Tara

PREVIOUSLY ON "UNITED STATES OF TARA"...

HEY, MARSHALL. YOU OBVIOUSLY BELONG OVER HERE, BABE.

I'M STRAIGHT, BUT NOT NARROW.

HOW IS YOUR BEARD, ANYWAY? YOU GUYS BONING?

I'M GAY. GOOD.

WE'VE GOT SOME BIG NEWS. WE'RE PREGNANT!

DO YOU THINK THAT NICK CAN TELL THAT I HAD A THING WITH NEIL?

IS THAT AN ENGAGEMENT RING?

THIS IS MY BIG FISH -- LYNDA P. FRAZIER.

YOUR CHECK BOUNCED. YOU OWE ME MONEY.

Jarrett: WHO IS THAT?

PRINCESS VALHALLA HAWKWIND.

LET'S MAKE A MOVIE.

I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE HER.

WELL, I'LL ALWAYS BE HER.

What do you want?!

I NEED THE BODY!

OH, BABY.

OH, BABY.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS BETTER!

I JUST CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO TELL HIM

I'M TRANSITIONING AGAIN.

BUCK, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

SULLY!

GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK. THAT'S ALL I WANT.

RELAX, WILL YOU?

TARA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH YOUR PONCHO?

I DON'T KNOW, MIMI.

WRITTEN BY MY OLD THERAPIST.

OH, THE MUCH-LAUDED SHOSHANA SCHOENBAUM, HUH?

IT'S SIMPLE STUFF, BUT SHE'S VERY DOWN-TO-EARTH.

TILL YOU FIND THE RIGHT DOCTOR.

I FOUND SOMEBODY.

SHE'S IN NEW YORK CITY?

EXCUSE ME? DO YOU MIND?

I'M FINISHING UP A SESSION.

HOLD ON, DOLORES.

CAN I HELP YOU?

* OPEN UP THE SKY

* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH

* IT'S WINDY, AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

HONEY, I'M GONNA HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.

OH, NO. NO, NO, NO.

I'M SORRY. I HAVE SEVERAL CLIENTS TODAY.

I CAN'T JUST TAKE A WALK-IN.

OH, FUCK. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. FUCK, NO.

WAIT.

YOU'RE MAX, AREN'T YOU?

FANTASTIC.

SO PLEASED TO FINALLY MEET YOU.

I'VE HEARD SO MUCH FROM TARA.

MAYBE I CAN SQUEEZE YOU IN.

OHHHH, FUCK.

OKAY, WHO ARE YOU?

I'M SHOSHANA SCHOENBAUM -- TARA'S NEW THERAPIST.

DON'T DO THIS TO ME, GOD DAMN IT!

PLEASE!

MAX, I CAN SEE HOW ANGRY YOU ARE.

LET'S SLOW IT DOWN A BIT.

LET'S DO AN EXERCISE.

I WANT YOU TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS TO TARA.

THIS CHAIR HERE -- THIS IS TARA.

TALK TO THE CHAIR LIKE IT'S TARA.

OH, TARA. ARE YOU INSANE?

NO? NOT THE CHAIR? YOU WANT -- YOU WANT ME TO BE TARA?

OKAY, FINE. I'LL BE TARA.

GO ON.

I DON'T EVEN FEEL SICK -- JUST...

SO, SO TIRED, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, PRISON-CAMP TIRED.

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.

NOTHING TO SEE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU'RE NOT TWO MONTHS PREGNANT.

WELL, WE DID FOUR ACCU-CLEARS AND AN e.p.t.

ACCORDING TO YOUR HCG LEVELS,

YOU'RE ONLY ABOUT THREE TO FOUR WEEKS IN.

TOO EARLY FOR AN EXTERNAL EXAM.

BUT MY FIANCE WASN'T EVEN IN TOWN THEN.

WE'RE GONNA NEED TO DO AN INTERNAL.

AND THEY'RE HAVING A TOTAL EMOTIONAL MELTDOWN,

SO WHAT DO THEY DO?

THEY PUT ME ON LOCKDOWN,

SO THEY CAN -- QUOTE, UNQUOTE -- "BE IN CONTROL."

SUPREME BULLSHIT.

I READ THAT SMOKING WEED TOO EARLY IN THE DAY

CAN GIVE YOU MENINGITIS.

THIS IS KRYPTONITE. IT'S FROM CALIFORNIA.

MAKES YOUR EYELASHES THIRSTY.

IS THE VIDEO DONE LOADING YET?

YES! WHOO.

* I'M LEAVING TODAY *

WOW.

THAT HORSE LOOKS COMPLETELY FAKE.

ON PURPOSE! IT'S A COMMENT.

ON WHAT?

ON...THE TESTOSTERONE-FUELED FANTASY GENRE.

TOTALLY SUBVERTING... THE HERO ARCHETYPE.

VALHALLA IS POSTFEMINIST.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

NO, NOT REALLY.

TELL ME TRUE, MOOSH --

ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT A HOMO?

THAT TERM IS A LITTLE ONEROUS, BUT YES.

IT'S OFFICIAL.

THEN WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME WITH JUNGLE SNATCH?

CHUCK HER, DUDE.

GOOD, MAX. DEEP BREATHS.

NOW, I UNDERSTAND TARA TRIED TO DISCUSS

HER ALTER'S RECENT... TRANSGRESSION,

BUT YOU PUT THE KIBOSH ON THE CONVERSATION.

TALK TO ME.

THIS IS TOO MUCH.

MAX, LISTEN.

TARA MAY HAVE HER PROBLEMS, BUT IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO.

YOU NEED TO LOOK AT YOU.

IN THIS WORLD, THERE ARE GIVERS AND THERE ARE GETTERS.

AND MY REAL FEELING HERE IS THAT YOU NEED TO EXPLORE

BECOMING MORE OF A GETTER IF YOU WANT TO GET BETTER.

NO REAL DOCTOR WOULD GIVE RHYMING ADVICE.

I'M --

WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT? YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR.

LOOK, I-IF YOU SEE TARA,

YOU TELL HER TO PACK A BAG FOR THE HOSPITAL.

I'M MAKING A LONG-OVERDUE PHONE CALL.

Max: WHAT IS THIS?

Officer: SIR, PLEASE REMAIN CALM.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SIR...

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME.

...IF YOU'LL JUST REMAIN CALM.

COPS. COPS!

SHIT!

SHIT!

OH, SHIT.

GET IT!

GO! GO! GO! GO! HEART ATTACK...

BONA FIDE... UGH!

WHO CALLED THE FUCKING COPS?

Officer: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.

DAD? WHAT THE FUCK?

ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU

IN A COURT OF LAW.

IT'S OKAY, KIDS. GO BACK INSIDE.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

IS THIS YOUR WIFE, SIR?

WHO KNOWS?

YES, I AM.

UH, WELL, WE HAVE A WARRANT FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S ARREST

FOR AGGRAVATED ASSAULT AND BATTERY.

WE'RE GONNA BE TAKING HIM TO JOHNSON COUNTY,

ABOUT 20 MINUTES AWAY, IN OLATHE.

Charmaine: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.

C-CAN YOU HANG WITH THE KIDS A COUPLE HOURS?

SURE. NO PROBLEM.

AND YOU TWO, DON'T WORRY. WE'LL BE BACK SOON.

AND, KATE, YOU'RE STILL GROUNDED.

[ CAR DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

OKAY.

WHO WANTS PANCAKES?

LIKE, WITH HIS FISTS?

LIKE, BLAM, BLAM, BLOODY KNUCKLES?

HE DIDN'T SAY.

GOT HIM ARRESTED,

SO IT MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY JACKED.

WAIT.

WHY DOES MRS. BUTTERWORTH NEED TO BE BLACK?

AND AUNT JEMIMA, TOO.

THAT'S SOME FUCKED-UP RACIST PANCAKE SHIT.

MRS. BUTTERWORTH ISN'T BLACK. SHE'S JUST FILLED WITH SYRUP.

I MEAN, TECHNICALLY, SHE'S CLEAR.

HUH.

SHE'S A CLEAR-CASIAN.

COME ON, YOU GUYS, YOUR DAD'S IN FUCKING JAIL,

PROBABLY GETTING THINGS PUT UP HIS BOOTY RIGHT NOW.

OH, I'M SORRY, MARSHALL.

I-I KNOW THAT MAN-SEX IS GREAT WHEN IT'S CONSENSUAL.

WE'RE NOT LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY.

WE'RE LAUGHING TO KEEP FROM BLOWING OUR BRAINS OUT.

YEAH, YOU SEEM REALLY BROKEN UP ABOUT IT.

WE THOUGHT MOM WAS TOTALLY BETTER.

I MEAN, SHE --

OKAY, "A" -- MOM'S ALTER HAS A LESBYTERIAN GAL-PAL.

"B" -- DAD HAS PSYCHO RENOVATION RAGE.

"C" -- YOU'RE PRACTICALLY AN UNWED TEEN MOTHER.

SHUT UP.

AND "D" -- MARSHALL'S BANGIN' BITCHES, SO...

NICE, KATE.

RIGHT?

SO...

AS A FAMILY...