Lucas Brothers: On Drugs

America's public enemy number one in the United States is drug abuse.

In order to fight and defeat this enemy,

it is necessary to wage a new all-out offensive.

We have not only the responsibility but the authority

to see that we wage this offensive effectively and in a coordinated way.

Finally, in order for this program to be effective,

the American people all join in it.

Brooklyn, give it up for the Lucas Brothers!

- Sorry for walking around you. - No, it's all good.

- How are you guys doing? - You guys all right?

You all right?

- Cool. - Yeah.

You're probably wondering why we got all this shit up here.

Yeah.

- It's Richard Nixon. - Yep. It's Richard.

Sir Richard. Thirty-seventh President of the United States.

Yep.

- He was an asshole. - Yes, he was.

- An asshole. - Yeah.

We like to start all of our sets by saying, "Fuck Richard Nixon"

- because it gives us motivation. - That's right.

So, fuck Richard Nixon.

Fuck him.

You're probably wondering why we hate him so much.

One reason: The War on Drugs, man.

Or, as we like to call it, "The War on Niggas Who Just Want to Have Fun."

That's right.

That's all we want to do.

I mean, if white women can have fun, why can't we?

We can have fun, too.

- We're niggas. - Mm-hmm.

We've done a lot of drugs, and we've had a lot of fun.

That's right.

But you can't do all types of drugs.

No. All drugs aren't created equal.

That's right.

- Abraham Lincoln said that. - That's right, man.

But all drugs aren't created equal.

We did shrooms a year ago for the very first time.

Yeah.

And here's a rule of thumb:

You should never do shrooms with a dude who looks like you.

I'm telling you.

- Some weird shit. - It was terrible.

It was weird. It was weird.

- Stick to weed. - That's right.

That's right.

- We smoke a lot of weed. - Mm-hmm.

One of our favorite things to do is to smoke weed on the job.

- That's what we like doing. - Mm-hmm.

Because it's a sure-fire way to get fired, right?

- Jobs don't like when you smoke. - No.

Like, we worked for a cable company,

and every time during our lunch break, we'd smoke weed.

And one time, the boss caught us, and he fired us.

And the weird thing is he fired us at the same time

for the same exact reason.

And you don't want to get fired like that.

Because not only are you getting fired,

but it's kind of like you're watching yourself get fired in 3-D.

- You gotta put glasses on. - It's terrible.

That's not the first time we faced twin discrimination.

Mm-mm.

Not the first.

People don't know how to react when they see twins.

- No. - They go crazy.

We were in the supermarket, looking for some Jell-O.

Yep.

And we were just about to pick it out, and then some dude came out of nowhere,

and he was, like, "Yo, you guys have a stick of Doublemint gum?"

That's right. That's what he said.

Now, I know that sounds like an innocent question to most people.

- But to twins, it's mad disrespectful. - Absolutely.

So, we were about to check this nigga.

And I think that he saw that we were angry,

so he tried to, like, calm the situation down.

He was, like, "Yo, I'm sorry if I offended you guys.

It's just, in the commercials, twins always have gum.

In those Doublemint gum commercials, they have gum,

so I figured you two guys had a stick."

- That's shitty logic. - Yeah.

And why is this dude taking commercials so seriously?

Does he do that with everything? You know what I mean?

Does he go up to quirky white women and ask for Progressive Insurance?

- I like that. - Should we try another one?

Let's try another. You want to try one? All right.

Does he go up to white babies and ask for E-Trade stock advice?

Huh.

So, I'm glad we're comedians, man.

I mean, I couldn't imagine working any other job,

because we always just get fired from everything.

And we've spent a lot of time in unemployment.

I think we've figured out a lot of interesting things to do in unemployment.

We like to watch Deion Sanders hip-hop videos.

Mm-hmm. He only made one.

He only made one, so we watch one on a loop.

Yeah, but it's a classic. It's a classic in its genre.

I mean, Deion was... He was dropping some juice.

- He was ahead of his time. - He was.

You may never hear that ever again, but he was.

Prime Time!

- Prime Time. - Prime Time.

He said this one thing in the video. What was it? What did he say?

It was crazy. It was an ad-lib.

He was, like, "I'm gonna turn my library cards into credit cards."

- We don't know what that means. - We don't know.

We're not gonna front. We don't know.

We've been trying to figure that shit out since we first heard it.

That's right.

And it's a baffling line for a number of reasons.

First and foremost, we all know Deion Sanders doesn't read, right?

He doesn't read.

Doesn't read.

But assuming that he does read and he's an avid library fan...

Yeah. If everybody followed that principle,

that would bankrupt America. You know what I mean? Like...

Plus, he wants money. Why does he... I don't know.

The name of the song was "Must Be the Money."

Why is he talking about credit? That...

Just talk about money. You don't even have to mention credit cards.

I just don't get it, man.

- Let's smoke on it. - Okay.

Okay.

- We'll smoke on it, figure it out. - We'll figure it out.

You know the worst thing about working?

- Coworkers. - Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

- I guess you're kind of my coworker. - I guess I am kind of your coworker.

But, nah, they're the worst, man, because we were writing on this TV show.

- Shitty show. - Shitty show.

We can't name it now because they'll sue us.

But we were writing on this shit,

and one of our co-writers complained all the time.

And we had a long day, it was, like, a 15-hour day,

and he was, like, "I can't do this job anymore, you know?

They got us working like slaves, man. We're working like slaves."

And what was weird is that for, like, the last five hours,

we were just talking about Steve Harvey and whether or not his mustache is dope.

Like, that's all we did.

That would be a dope form of slavery, if that... if that was it.

But it got us to thinking, man.

You ever wonder how slaves complained about their job?

You ever wonder that? Because they had to complain,

- because that shit was terrible. - Yeah.

But they didn't say they were working like slaves,

because that would be redundant.

- That's true. - Yeah.

We imagine some slaves were working on a pyramid.

You know, working. Working their asses off.

You know, three-hour... How long you think they were?

- Twenty-four-hour days. - Twenty-four-hour days.

- And one slave flipped. - Lost it.

He lost his shit. He was, like, "Fuck!

This Pharaoh got me working like...

- all these niggas around me." - Yeah.

- That's excellent. - Oh, thank you.

Money, weed and bitches.

- Pretty dope when rappers say it. - That's right.

Even doper if it was the first three words

that Jesus Christ said after his resurrection.

"Money, weed and bitches. I'm back, baby."

"Let's go save humanity."

I was gonna say, "Let's kill some Romans."

Oh, that would've been good.

Well, he didn't kill Romans.

- Oh, I guess Christians killed Romans. - That's right.

I get it. I get it. I'm sorry.

It's all right. You'll get them next time.

- There will be no next time. - That's right.

We struggle... Well, we used to struggle with money.

Mm-hmm. No, we used to struggle with money for sure.

And we used to have a very acrimonious relationship with banks.

Yes.

It wasn't a good relationship.

No, no. Like, we went to the bank one time and looked at our account,

and it had $3 in it.

- That's a $1.50 apiece. - That's right.

Or at least that's what we thought.

It was $3 with a parentheses around it.

- Which means something totally different. - Yeah.

It means you owe the bank $3.

But when we first saw it,

we thought the bank was trying to protect our last $3.

We thought it was a force field for broke niggas.

Yeah.

And we gave 'em a stick of Doublemint gum to say thank you.

Here's the problem with America. It's income inequality.

I think that's the problem.

I think they need to restructure how we pay people.

Like, football players, they get guaranteed contracts, right?

So, they'll get $100 million, but they guarantee you, like, 40 million.

- I think they should do that for teachers. - Absolutely.

Teachers should get guaranteed contracts. It's about fucking time, right?

- Absolutely. Absolutely. - Yeah. Of course. Of course.

That's why if we were able to overthrow the government

and become twin dictators,

that would be our first order of business.

- We would... What would we do? - Forcibly round up...

- All the teachers. - Yes.

Then we would bring them to a room like this.

Like this.