Harry Hill's World of TV

Welcome to my world of TV.

Tonight, we're going to unpack how we got from this

on Coronation Street...

...to this on Coronation Street.

Get back!

That's right! Because this week, on World Of TV,

we're going to show you how to make your own soap.

Crossroads theme by Tony Hatch

Coronation Street theme by Eric Spear

Emmerdale theme by Tony Hatch

EastEnders theme by Simon May

We all love the soaps, don't we?

David?

There's moisture seeping through the bathroom wall.

But, to understand how they're made, we need to go back.

Initially, soap operas, or soaps, consisted of

illustrated scrolls of goat leather,

which, when looked at very quickly, appeared to move.

Can't wait for the next scroll.

It wasn't until the advent of cameras in the -

er, well, over 100 years ago, at least -

that soaps could be captured on film and video,

and the stories of everyday interpersonal experiences

brought to life.

If you're in here, and chef's in the bar,

who's looking after the boot and shoe federation?

Now you know what it's like to be me!

It's actually incredibly difficult to get a soap right.

Over the years, many have come and gone.

I mean, who remembers Eldorado?

Or this gem, Normandy Road -

leading to Salerno Road, Dieppe Crescent

and Narvik Road?

Telling the story, as it did, of a young sailor

with an unsightly birthmark on top of his head.

Ratings were so low, it lasted just one episode

before the entire set was bulldozed and turned into flats.

So, what would you need to make a good soap?

Well, you'll need a script, for sure.

The writers of soaps

are some of the most poorly paid members of society.

Many of them are outcasts,

disfigured and living off wine and Nando's.

I wrote series 12 of Hollyoaks, and an Emmerdale Christmas special.

Which is sad when you consider how much joy

they've brought us down the ages.

After all, what is a soap without its scintillating dialogue?

Ha!

Hmm.

Lovely stuff.

If you're thinking of putting together a soap,

here's a few tips on how to make your script really stand out.

Make sure you build up audience expectations,

like in this classic scene from Family Affairs.

I haven't seen you in such a good mood in ages.

Oh, things are going to change. I can feel it.

Whoa, there!

Build 'em up to smash 'em down.

Dad!

Mum, quick!

That's what expectations are there for, right?

Weddings are the perfect plot device for any soap.

Maximum build-up, please.

Months of planning.

But they must never go ahead.

Whoa, just rewind.

Right, that's it! Not the cake!

SCREAMING

ROXy!

Clear the room! Move, now!

So the Wedding's off.

Except for that time on Emmerdale when Paddy married a sheep.

Similarly, if the lady's pregnant - again, lots of talk about baby,

maximum build-up,

but it's much better for your soap if there isn't one.

I'm not really pregnant.

You're not pregnant?

There were no babies.

There is no baby.

There never was.

Due to the pre-watershed time slot,

soap characters have had to find increasingly ingenious ways

of insulting their friends and family without actually swearing.

Oh, push off, hairy face.

This ham's salty. It's smoked salmon, you pillock.

And I know you'll be thinking - "How much can I get away with

"in the bedroom department on my soap?"

Well, in the early clays, they were fairly direct.

Oh, no.

But you're always safest with a little light innuendo.

I'm meant to be boning the quail by now.

Plenty of time for that.

Oh, I just didn't know where to put myself.

What was it like?

Beverley! How big was it?

Disgusting.

If you're an actor in a soap, it may be that your script

has been typed in Welsh, in which case, congratulations.

You've just got a part in Welsh language soap, Pobol y Cwm.

THEY SPEAK WELSH

Which is a bit like watching a scene from EastEnders backwards.

DIALOGUE PLAYS BACKWARDS

Of course not.

And apologies to our Welsh viewers.

I love Wales, and hope to return there one day.

One of the best aspects for me of Pobol y Cwm is the chance

to familiarise myself with the Welsh language.

Over the years, I've learnt the Welsh words

for all sorts of things, like, for instance,

supervisor.

HE SPEAKS WELSH ..supervisor...

Postmaster general. ..postmaster general...

Bedford van.

Bedford van.

And mint sauce.

Mint sauce.

But that's enough cheap jokes about the Welsh language.

Good job they've got a sense of humour about themselves.

What else will you need if you're to make the perfect soap?

You'll certainly need a theme tune.

And it's odd to think that the famous Coronation Street theme

was actually made up on the bus

on the way to the recording session.

Get the theme tune right and there's always the chance

of a spin-off hit record by adding words.

I think we all remember where we were when we first heard

Anita Dobson's version of the EastEnders theme tune.

# Anyone can fall in love

# That's the easy part

# You must keep it going

# Everyone can fall in love... #

Although, my own version of the Emmerdale theme tune, sadly,

was never picked up.

# Emmerdale farm

# Let's go to Emmerdale farm

# Life is so sweet

# Down upon Emmerdale farm

# Driving a tractor

# To Emmerdale Farm

# Black estate vehicle

# On Emmerdale Farm. #

Yeah, it wasn't picked up for some reason.

Idiots in charge missed out on a nice payday.

Where was I?

Ah, yes, you'll certainly need actors

if you're to make your soap.

But how do you get some?

Well, first you'll send people door-to-door

to see if anyone's interested.

Morning, we're looking for women to be in Coronation Street.

At the same time, you should send talent scouts out

to look for local characters who might suit a role in a soap.

Don't forget, if you want to save money,

just show the back of your actor's head,

like they did in Crossroads.

Right, and what's that?

Oh, proofs.

There's no mystery.

I'm trying to explore a couple of possibilities.

Mind you, that actor got so fed up with his face never being shown

that he resigned, and they had to get another actor in to play him.

And now you are using them to make sure that you keep the contract

by foul means or fair

so that no other contractor will touch it.

When filming your soap, think about your shots

and try to make them as realistic as possible.

Morning.

We're always talking to the back of one another's heads, aren't we?

There's some barrels need changing. I'll be down in a minute.

Worse than leaving you?

Of course, Mike and Alma from Corrie were masters of this technique.

In fact, for the first four years of their relationship,

neither knew what the other one looked like.

Whatever you fancy.

I can't help the way that I feel.

I love this variation.

The three-quarter angle - gorgeous.

You'll feel more secure.

But take a look at this beauty from EastEnders.

It was like being...

Janine starts to the left of Ricky.

But just watch.

I thought I'd be able to handle it. She's on the move.

She's on the move.

And, oh, she moves to the right.

Textbook.

And don't forget, you can always bump up the ratings

with special guests,

like the time Donald Trump dropped by the Crossroads Motel.

Please, don't be so hard on yourself.

Hollyoaks booked Alvin Stardust,

whilst Corrie had a visit from Her Majesty the Queen.

Emmerdale booked Eddie lzzard.

And, not to be outdone, Brookside had a phone chat with this guy.

Hello. Alan?

Alan Partridge.

Yeah, bit of a weird one.

So, you've got your script, your theme tune

and your actors.

But there is one more thing you'll need.