The King of Queens

Oh, great.

Oh. Ok.

Cake.

Yeah?

Who is this?

Hey, bud. That was my dog Allen.

He just wanted to say hello.

Here, it's for you, Arthur.

A. Spooner speaking.

Lillian?

What's goin' on?

Usually in the morning you're a little like,

"go away."

I know, but I just feel good today.

I think that I am

maybe ready to start trying to have a baby.

What?

Yeah. Well, the miscarriage was, like,

4 months ago already.

And the doctor said it would be safe, right?

So I... I guess I just woke up this morning feeling ready.

Are you?

Not now, not now, stupid.

You sure?

No. I meant tonight or something.

Oh?

I'll have you knocked up and on the subway

in, like, 10 minutes.

Come on. We'll make a night of it.

We'll go to fiorello's for dinner,

get in the mood.

Food and sex, those are your favorites, right?

Yeah. In... in that order, too.

I'm glad you're feeling ready, Carrie.

Me, too.

Good morning. Ok.

Dad, what's with the pajamas?

How come you're not dressed?

Darling, if you can think of a reason why I should get dressed,

I'd be delighted to know what it is.

I got nothin'.

Well, come on. At least walk down to the senior center

and play chess with Mickey.

I'm afraid that's out of the question.

He moved to yonkers to live with his daughter.

Oh, I'm sorry, dad.

He was your last real friend around here, wasn't he?

Yeah. Afraid so.

Gonna miss that crazy lug,

that silly laugh of his.

The way his teeth would come part of the way out.

And that's gin. Ok. See you tonight.

Mmm-hmm. 8 o'clock, fiorello's?

Actually, I'm heading out, too.

Oh, ok. See you later, Arthur.

Yeah, have a good day, dad.

Yeah.

You have a good day, too.

I'll mind the store.

So you've been wined and dined,

all that,

you, uh, you good to go?

I am ready to get back on the horse.

Or, in this case,

have the horse get back on you.

Give it your best shot, Eddie.

All right, break it up.

We got big doings in here.

What's goin' on, dad?

Come on in. Hurry,

on the double, chop-chop.

Ta-da!

What are you ta-daing about? W-w-what is that?

El backo,

the new board game you ordered for me

on the interstate.

Internet, dad.

So, shall I set up in here or in the...

Or in the living room?

Uh, dad, it's really late. What are you still doing up?

I napped for 6 hours. I'm bursting with energy.

Come on, one quick game.

No, forget it, Arthur. Not tonight.

Yeah, maybe another time, dad. Good night.

Oh, that's just dandy, isn't it?

I've been alone in this house since 8 A.M.,

and all I ask is for a few moments

of human interaction when you come home,

but apparently,

that's more than you can spare.

Good night.

Ready to head up? Come on.

7, 8, 9, and 10.

Back to start.

I have to go back to start again?

You landed on El backo.

Now get goin', missy. Mush!

8, 9, 10.

I've landed on the alamo,

which at the moment you're defending, Douglas.

So?

Don't kill the messenger, but I'm afraid

you're out of the game!

Well, that was fun, daddy.

All right, well, rematch next month.

Don't try to duck us.

Hey, wait! Wait, wait. What?

Douglas is out,

only Douglas.

I won.

Oh, good work. All right, so, uh,

can we get this sex thing goin' now?

It's late,

so don't expect the sports package.

Yeah.

Ok, get ready.

This is gonna be hot. Come on, baby.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

What? W-what is it?

Nothin'. I just got a peso from the game in my pocket.

In your pocket. Did you cheat?

Well, I'm here now, aren't I?

You know what, honey? Honey?

Would you mind

if... if we didn't do this tonight?

3 hours as the El backo banker has pretty much

shut me down for the night.

Oh, come on, keep the bank open,

one more angry customer.

Honey, look, if it was just sex,

I would push through, ok?

But we're trying to make a baby.

I want it to be special and wonderful

and... and right.

You wanna sneak one in, in the morning?

No, I don't wanna sneak one in.

Our... our kid is gonna ask me one day

how he or she came to be,

and I don't wanna say,

"well, your dad had at me

while I was brushin' my teeth."

We need to set aside you know, special time,

without distractions.

Without my father

clawing at us for attention.

When the hell is that ever gonna happen?

Ever since Mickey moved,

your dad spends all day napping.

By the time we come home,

he's cocked and loaded.

I know. I... I hate this.

What are we gonna do?

Hey, why don't we hire a nurse

to come by during the day,

spend time with him?

You know how expensive a private nurse is?

Maybe your insurance from work will cover it.

No. They'll only cover it if he's disabled.

So I'll disable him.

Ah, maybe we're... we're just not meant to have a baby.

Or actually,

maybe we are meant to have a baby.

And my dad is our baby.

The only difference is we don't change him,

yet.

So, sex-wise,

I'm definitely on my own tonight, or...

Yo, Spence!

Sandwiches.

Hey, who wants a little side salad?

Show of hands.

Ok, more for me.

Oh, this thing with Arthur

is driving me nuts.

Mmm. It's rough, huh?

It's brutal. I'll have to drive him out to the woods

if I'm ever gonna get any more schnick schnack.

Yo, Spence. Someone's here.

Oh.

Fellas, prepare to meet the new lady

in my life.

W-what? You... you got a girlfriend?

Dog Walker

but things are brewing.

Hey, Holly.

Oh, hey. I didn't know you were home.

Oh, yeah. I just rolled in a few minutes ago

and grabbed somethin' to eat.

Oh, yeah. Ok, no! Cupcake, no. Cupcake, no!

Sit!

A few minutes ago from work.

So, uh, how was my little Allen's walk today?

Oh, it was great. It's weird, though.

Both the male and female dogs

like to hump him.

Kind of like you, Spence.

It's a... it's a couple of blue-collar guys

I hang out with.

You know, just keepin' it real.

Uh, you know, I was wonderin' some night