Impastor

[Dean Martin's Ain't That a Kick in the Head?]

People kill themselves for lots of reasons.

Me? I just have two.

All I need is one day. Hand to God.

I am getting a big inheritance tomorrow from my Uncle Doug.

He made his money in tires. High-end radials,

not that cheap crap.

Take his balls.

Whoa, whoa. Can't we start with a pinky?

Guys, come on.

Oh, you a dead man, Buddy!

One: I don't have long to live anyway.

Hey, LeeAnne, you know how you're always saying

- we should take a vacation? - Mm-hmm.

Let's go. Right now.

Oh, God, what did you do this time?

Nothing. Look, I'll take you to Vegas.

We'll sit by the pool. I'll take you to some shows.

Buddy.

All right, look. I'm in serious trouble.

There's some guys after me. We gotta leave town.

How can you pull this crap on me now?

You know that my mother is coming to visit.

I'm sorry, baby. But we gotta go.

- No. - What?

Buddy, I love you, but I can't live like this anymore.

LeeAnne, it'll get better. I promise.

How many times have you said that?

And it never does.

I'm sorry.

We're done.

And two: I have nothing to live for.

Stop!

Don't!

Whatever the problem is, it is not worth

killing yourself over.

How the fuck do you know?

Wait, wait!

I-I know about despair.

A month ago I had nothing.

No job, no friends, or family to speak of.

Now I am on my way to a new job in a new city.

Look, pal. I'm gonna jump anyway.

There's no reason to bore me to death.

The point is that it is never too late

for redemption.

Have you thought about asking God for help?

I don't believe in God.

I am sorry you feel that way, because God provides.

You just have to seize the opportunities that he gives you.

Yeah, well, maybe in my next life.

Good luck on the new gig.

No, no, please, please, please.

What do you care?

You don't give a shit about me.

Yes, I do.

I'll prove it.

Hey, what are you doing, man?

I'm gonna come over there so we can

both come back toge...

- - Oh, shit!

Oh, God!

Whoa!

God provides. You just have to seize

the opportunities that he gives you.

_

Hello?

Jonathan?

Hi, it's Dora.

Oh, my gosh, it's so nice to finally hear your voice.

Just wondering where you are.

Uh, St. Vincent Bridge.

Good, you're on schedule.

What do you say I meet you at the house

tomorrow morning, 10 A.M.?

Why not?

What's that address again?

[Canned Heat's Going Up the Country]

My plan was to take over Jonathan Barlow's life

for a few days till I figured out my next move.

Or until I got caught.

Which could be a matter of seconds.

Well, hello, there.

I'm Dora.

Yeah, come on in.

You know, you're different than I pictured you.

Yeah, how's that?

I don't know. You're just...

You're more... rugged.

- Thanks, I guess. - Yeah.

Nice place.

Ahh, I'm so glad you like it.

We hope you enjoy living here for a long, long time.

Wait... this is mine?

Yes, I specified in my emails that we would provide housing.

One of the perks of the job.

So tell me more about this job.

Oh, I imagine it's pretty much like your last one.

So, if you'll follow me.

In here is my office area.

As your assistant, I am usually here from 9 to 5.

But I have my own key, so you don't have to worry about me.

You like birds, huh?

You know me already.

Listen, I don't mean to be too forward,

but do you think that you could give me

a sneak preview of what you're gonna talk about on Sunday?

- Talk about? - In your sermon, Reverend.

- Jesus Christ. - I assumed that,

but what aspect?

I think I'd rather leave it a surprise.

A man of mystery.

I like it.

So, what do you say?

You ready to meet the church staff?

Ready as I'll ever be.

[Aretha Franklin's Son of a Preacher Man]

This is Alden Schmidt, he is our Church President.

Alexa Cummings, she's the Treasurer.

And Russell Kerry, he is our Secretary.

Uh, Reverend Barlow...

Oh, he prefers Jonathan.

Actually, you can just call me Buddy.

It'll be easier for all of us to remember.

Well, um, as you may know, uh, Buddy,

we have spent the better part of a year

searching for Pastor Willis' replacement.

So we're very excited that you're here.

Super excited.

Still, we need to talk about what happened in Florida.

What do you mean?

Well, the... the problem that you had

with your last congregation.

We appreciate you being up-front with that.

Oh, yeah, well, honesty is the best policy,

especially for a man of the cloth...

which is what I am.

I, for one, think you were very courageous.

It can't be easy for a religious leader to come out.

Of what?

- - Oh, that. Yes.

Don't worry, you won't face any harassment here.

We are very proud to have a gay pastor.

And super excited.

That being said, again,

we are a conservative congregation and we prefer

to uphold the tradition of Ladner Trinity Lutheran Church.

Uh, what tradition is that?

Well, uh, the gay men and the lesbians

be allowed to serve as clergy as long as

they remain sexually inactive.

Not a problem.

Oh, so you're not planning on engaging in any...

homosexual activities?

You have my word.

Excellent.

All right, come on then. We'll take you on the tour.

Okay.

Not everyone feels that's a hard and fast rule.

Okay.

"LeeAnne, please forgive me. I had no choice. Buddy."

We found that in the front seat of his vehicle

tucked into his wallet.

I can't believe he jumped off the bridge.

Really?

Oh, St. Vincent is the second most popular place

to commit suicide in the country.

People come from all over to do it.

Some even take a bus or a cab just to...

Tim.

Had Mr. Dobbs shown any signs of depression lately?

No, but he was scared.

He said some people were out to get him.

What people?

I don't know.

Even if he jumped, it doesn't mean for sure he's dead.

- Right? - The fatality rate is 98%.

When he hit the water he was going 86 miles an hour,

so there's a good chance his neck would have snapped

or his skull would have been crushed.

Tim.

The good news is, between the sharks and the tide,

we're probably never gonna find his body,

so you're not gonna have to see how mangled he got.

That's your idea of good news?

If we have any further developments,

we'll give you a call.

You call.

Not him.

I knew I couldn't fool these people for long,

so I figured I'd empty Barlow's bank account,

and get out of here as fast as I could.

But first I had to crack his password.