Never Change!

It's a balmy 56 degrees.

A beautiful day here in North Meadows--

Pizza Hut. We've cleared out all the dead bodies,

and our crust is sometimes literally stuffed with shit.

- Oh, my God. -

Fuck me, it is sad in there, man.

Good morning, North Meadows.

We'd like to start our show this morning

by taking a moment to reflect and remember

the 20-year anniversary of the Handsome Man murders.

Harrowing times, Kate.

Twenty years ago today, a series of handsome men

were found murdered in North Meadows,

their bodies stabbed and stuffed into suitcases from Savers,

found jammed in the air ducts of various delicious fast-food chains,

such as Carl's Jr., Pizza Hut, and even Cracker Barrel.

God, I love Cracker Barrel.

This just in.

I'm being told we have an urgent story from the steps of the Capitol.

We take you to Trish, who's live on the scene.

Thanks, Kate.

Congress has just passed the Education New Deal.

This groundbreaking legislation package

brings higher wages, funding for the arts,

reduced homework, yada-yada, Seinfeld.

Teachers across America are hailing the legislation

as a huge step forward for the country's education system.

But there is one loser in the deal,

the 2008 graduating class of North Meadows High School.

Under the new law, all students, past and present,

are legally required to finish 180 full days of school

in order to receive a diploma.

But in 2008, North Meadows High School

famously had their school year cut short by two weeks

due to a disastrous tornado that decimated half of the campus.

Eighteen years later, the school board has announced

that exact same class will be forced to return home to North Meadows

and finish high school.

- -

To reiterate, a new law has just been passed

forcing the graduating class of 2008 to return to North Meadows

as a bunch of 35-year-olds for two whole weeks

in order to receive their diplomas and legally graduate high school.

-Once... -

- ...and... -Hey! Hey!

- ...for... -No way!

That's my high school!

- ...all. -

My gosh, what a story!

I sure would hate to be in that graduating class.

Jerry, you ever have that dream where you haven't graduated high school?

A disgusting nightmare, Kate.

Mm-hmm.

2008.

That's when I graduated high school.

North Meadows, that's...

That's my school.

I...

Yikes.

I'm scared.

I know it may look like I have it all figured out,

but I don't.

I mean, definitely things are going well right now, yeah.

Like my invention, "The Towel Pants,

the only pants made entirely out of towel,"

just had their first sale.

They're a great product.

Awesome.

I'm working at a restaurant.

My job is to stand by the bathroom door.

And if it looks like the person coming towards me

has to take a huge shit, I grab him by the fucking throat

and I say, "You get back to your fucking seat.

You take that shit at home!"

-Nice. -Mm.

Yeah, and then the other day, I got an email

that said I was already accepted into heaven.

Hey, that's...

It could be spam. It could be-- it could be spam.

But, yeah, it's just, um...

It's really nice to hear.

If everything's going so well, why are you scared?

In high school, I was sort of like a, um, a "summamabitch."

I was rude and selfish,

and I can remember at least two specific times

that I called somebody "fat-ass."

Sunny.

Sunny.

Sunny?

S-Sunny.

You.

-I'm talking to you. Yeah. -Okay.

That boy from high school

is still inside you.

What do you think he needs to hear?

-That I love him? -Mm-hmm.

Um, that I'm here for him.

Yes, sir.

And that he's brave and strong,

and he's fully capable of living the most triumphant life!

And if you did hurt someone, what are you going to say to them?

I'm sorry.

I was wrong.

I deeply regret my actions.

And I'm here to listen to you and encourage you

to speak your truth, as I am right now.

Go get 'em, kid.

Yes!

Let's go!

Oh, nice.

Thanks, dude. I took some extra for the drive.

Thank you, Sunny.

My whole life, I just let things happen to me.

I took the first job available, the first house available.

You know, you and me, we basically just--

Don't you say what I think you're gonna say.

-Baby, don't play. -Hey.

You know you're an angel from the sky, and I would literally get squeezed

and crushed for you.

-So what, you don't like our life? -I love our life!

I was just saying I could do things differently this time.

Like no cheating on tests,

no calling in bomb threats to get out of school, no drinking.

I could boost my GPA,

go to college, get a real job,

like Secretary of Space or some shit.

Okay, what you need to do is buy Mason some new shoes.

-¡Vamanos! ¡Ven acá! -I'm gonna buy him a size-100 shoe,

and we're all gonna live in it!

-What? -Baby, this is my chance to be something.

You are something. You're my papi chulo.

-Mi chiquito preciosa bebé. -Hey! What is happening?

- You guys were already in there. - Mira!

- You're being the baddest. -Mira , Mason!

You don't move till we get to the store,

or no candy for dinner!

I'm hungover as ass.

Did K last night with these foreign chicks.

Pretty much talked over them the whole time.

Sucks.

Gotta remember to let chicks talk, you know?

They're, like, "obsoosed" with talking.

Why do chicks say "obsoosed"?

I love it.

Do I look hot today?

Sir, is there a reason you called me in here?

Oh, right. Mm. Sorry.

Curtis, you're fired.

What-- What did-- What did I-- What did I do?

I don't know what's going on with this high school shit,

but if you don't have a degree, you don't work here.

Periodt, honey.

Sir, it's gonna be like, two weeks. I'll get it.

You're sus, okay?

You're sus, kween.

Your last 27 pitches have all been alien shit.

No.

"Alien eat Zyrtec, eviscerate earth allergies. Yum."

"Alien like Oscar Mayer cheese, it looks like moon. Yum."

"Alien play basky-ball with LeBron James, then cry.

Yum." What's yummy about that, dude?

There's not even a product for that last one.

-You're obsoosed. -I'm sorry. It'll be different.

-I-- You gotta-- I-I- -Who are you?

For real. Who are you?

I mean, I've never seen you at a company party.

You don't have pictures of anyone on your desk, and people...

...are making an insane amount

of complaints about you at the gym.

They say it looks like you're training to kill someone.

Sir, I'm not training to kill anyone.

Slice, slice, slice! That's a kill. That's a kill.

You fucked with the wrong guy!

Okay, don't! Murder's wack in the office, bro.

Go home.

Go figure out where your, like, life went wrong or whatever.

Maybe find someone to put on your desk while you're at it.

I mean, look at me. I'm younger than you.

I've had a lot of wives.

-Could you help? -

I don't think that's a good idea.

Amelia. Amelia.

You're unhappy, I'm unhappy.

I gave you the best years of my youth.

I'm almost 37.