The Cleveland Show

* My name is Cleveland Brown *

* And I am proud to be *

* Right back in my hometown *

* With my new family *

* There's old friends and new friends *

* And even a bear *

* Through good times and bad times *

* It's true love we share *

* And so I found a place *

* Where everyone will know *

* My happy mustached face *

* This is The Cleveland Show. *

Bacon, cheese, eggs.

Smells like a Denny's in here, but without the old man stink.

You got that covered.

No, I smell like a middle-aged man:

Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats

from our adjustable-rate mortgage.

Now, pass those eggs.

Uh-uh.

Remember what Dr. Fist said about your cholesterol?

Yes, he said it was "appalling" and "life-threatening."

Uh, pass the eggs.

This is your breakfast, Cleveland,

the same breakfast you've been eating for the past two weeks.

More twigs?

Fiber Twigs-- the cereal that lowers your cholesterol.

Aah!

I got a splinter!

'Cause you got a mouthful of wood, like usual.

Huh? Oh.

Hey!

Oh, come on, baby,

I need you alive and healthy

for the karaoke contest this weekend.

We could win $500,

and I don't want a repeat of our high school talent show.

* *

* Love *

* Love will keep us together... *

Donna, I got my license.

Oh, Roberta.

ROBERTA I'm in my room!

That's just your breakfast getting down to business.

Here's your lunch--

bran muffin, can of beans, and for dessert,

some of that Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt that makes you poop.

Damn, Daddy.

Remember when that cat crawled

in the air conditioning duct and died,

and we couldn't get it out for 16 months?

That was like a Glade Plug-In compared to this.

Heat rises.

I smell nothing.

Oh, what do you think you're...?

Aah, oh, no, aah, put me down, put me down!

Oh, what if they come in here?

What the...?

Oh, my-- oh, no!

Auntie Em, Auntie Em!

Oh, Terry, hurry up, we got to go!

But I'm not finish-- oh!

Ow, my urethra!

I'm sorry, Terry,

but I'm on this new high-fiber diet and I--

My hermaphrodite yogurt!

Look, if you're gonna be my partner,

I don't want to hear one more fart out of you.

Is that clear?!

Yes, sir.

Good, 'cause I...

Oh, you bastard!

Ha, ha, sometimes they no make a noise.

Look out!

I can't believe... my last breath...

is gonna be your ass-gas.

I always knew we would die this way.

Good-bye, Terry.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Flippers.

Terry, always keep your eyes on the road.

Will do.

And Cleveland, see a doctor about your ungodly flatulence.

Yes, sir.

Good.

See you later, peoples.

Bye, Mr. Flippers!

You're deep.

Thank you.

I was a philosophy major.

Everything checks out, Cleveland.

Your flatulence is a perfectly normal side effect

of a high-fiber diet.

So you're saying all this farting is okay?

No, I'm saying it's medically necessary.

But what about the social stigma?

Won't people consider me a gross, farting pig

like Tommy Lasorda?

I'll write you a note.

You mean a free pass to pass gas

wherever and whenever I want to?

The medical term is a fart card,

but remember, Cleveland,

with great power comes great responsibility.

* *

Fart card.

* *

* He was a famous trumpet man from out Chicago way *

* He had a boogie style that no one else could play *

* He was the top man at his craft *

* But then his number came up... *

* And he... *

What did I tell u?

You got to project, Kendra.

Singike you do when you're in your washtub out back.

* A-toot, a-toot, a-toot-diddly-a-da-toot. *

Oh, I'll...

I'll never be no Kellie Pickler!

* *

Poor, fat Kendra.

Lester and Kendra, everybody.

Vote with your applause.

Wow, that really was not very popular.

You two will not advance to the finals Sunday night

and thus will not be winning the $500 grand prize.

Play 'em off, Charlie.

* 'Cause you had a bad day *

* You're taking one down *

* You sing a sad song just to turn it around *

* You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie *

* You work at a smile and you go for a ride *

* You had a bad day. *

No regrets!

* And when I lose my will *

* You'll be there to push me up the hill *

* There's no, no looking back for us

* We've got love, sure 'nough, that's enough *

* You're all, you're all I need *

* To get by. *

That hairy beast can sing.

Gosh.

Gee whiz.

What a tough act to follow, huh?

Boy, I wouldn't want to follow them.

Following them are Cleveland Brown

and his wife, Mrs. Clevelarown.

* I never knew love like this before *

* Now I'm lonely nevermore *

* Since you came *

* Into my life *

* You are my love light *

* This I know *

*never let you... *

* Oh-- oh, you're my all-- oh, boy-- your heart... *

Oh, it burns.

* Part of me... *

Oh, bad, bad, nothing but problems.

* Once I was lost, and now I'm found *

* Then you turned my world around *

Oh, oh, oh!

* 'Cause I never *

* Knew love like this *

* Before *

* What a surprise *

* 'Cause I never knew love like this *

* Before. *

Wow!

Great job, folks. You made the finals.

Everybody, be back here Sunday

to watch the Browns and the Bears

face off on national television.

Then, after the football game,

we'll turn off the TV and finish our stupid karaoke contest.

I always thought I had a God-given talent, Donna.

I'm a fartiste.

We get you farting, too, and we'll be unbeatable.

Cleveland, I want to win by singing.

Why? Take the low road, baby.

It's so much more fun and profitable.

I mean, who would you rather be: Weird Al Yankovic or Dido?

Dido.

You and I are very different people, Donna.

Hello.

Uh-huh.

Singing.

Don't have to pay royalties on... these babies.

No, sir, my creative output is entirely... my own.

Cleveland.

It's about Loretta.

tta?!

Ha, what about her?

What about my lousy...

two-timing... ugly-ass... ex-wife?

She's dead.

Oh.

Yes, I understand.

I will handle the arrangements.

Thank you for the sentiment.

Good-bye.

I am so sorry, Cleveland.

Loretta had no next of kin in Quahog,