Veep

It's time.

Thanksgiving has always meant sharing the bounty of our rich land,

especially Turkey.

But the one thing we will not be sharing this holiday

is drumstick or cranberry.

Catherine actually personally chose those names, didn't you, honey?

- Um, yes, I did. - Yes, she did.

I was hoping to get a few more details about these turkeys that I can maybe give the press.

Like, are they gonna hit the minibar tonight at their hotel?

Well, we booked the hotel for a few nights,

but I'm taking these guys straight to a petting zoo

in Virginia after the ceremony.

Oh, they can while away the rest of their peaceful years there.

Well, they were bred to be eaten, so they'll probably collapse

from their own weight and die in a year or two, tops.

Is there a more fun way to say that?

With the power vested in me,

I hereby declare drumstick and cranberry

pardoned from the Thanksgiving dinner table

and also for tax evasion.

There we go. Oh! Oh!

Ooh. I think they're trying to fly away.

Ooh, these birds are filthy.

- Dan. - Hey, why have I been greened?

- Will you tell our friend over here... - Take it easy.

It's just a screw-up with the security office.

Someone's got a case of the blue badge blue balls.

I'm gonna assign you to Tom James' office.

They're shorthanded since we're duking it out with congress.

I'll escort him in. He's harmless.

Unless you got a sister.

You looking foward to Thanksgiving, Marjorie?

- Oh, yes, ma'am. - Where do you spend the holiday?

- In Maryland, ma'am. - Oh, that's where I'm from.

I know, ma'am.

Okay, so tell congressman price I just pardoned his stanky-ass turkeys,

so I'm gonna expect him to wrap up that Missouri delegation

when the house votes, right?

Well played, ma'am.

Missouri's the largest Turkey-producing state in the union.

Second only to Minnesota followed by north Carolina.

- Ma'am. - And Arkansas.

Maybe I can pardon a car with a defective airbag...

And we can wrap up Michigan.

Michigan is actually the largest producer of battery acid.

Can somebody reach around the back of Kent's head and power him down?

Oh, ma'am, latest from treasury

is housing starts are down and unemployment's up.

Any chance we can switch those?

I'll turn the graphs upside down.

Oh, listen, I'm not gonna need you this weekend or tomorrow,

- so you can take that off, okay? - Oh, fantastic.

My husband and I are having his whole family over for Turkey.

Husband? You're married?

Yes. Last year.

250 people, no one from work.

Catherine: Mom, can I have a sec?

- Privately? - Sure, honey.

What is it?

Okay.

Well, I was just gonna go meet dad and Monica.

I was just wondering what time you'll be arriving.

Oh, honey, I can't.

But it's the first Thanksgiving since mee-maw's gone.

There's a lot to be thankful for.

But we're doing a whole dinner at her house.

I mean, it... or, well, my house.

God, it still sounds so weird saying that.

Yeah, it really does.

But I have to be here, sweetie pie,

'cause I've got to call all of these congress people.

Whip the vote. You understand that. Mommy's got to whip.

- Whip it good. What is that? - Devo.

Well, can't you make those phone calls from anywhere?

- Nope, it's got to be Washington. - Right.

It makes a big difference to know that she's calling from the oval.

But doesn't it just come up as unlisted

- or 202 or something? - They're ready in the Roosevelt room.

Uh, mom, so this is the famous white house mess.

- Very nice, joni. - Yeah, isn't it?

So this was renovated in 1951 by, um...

Hey, I'll be right back.

Okay, just one second.

Is that the mandarin chicken salad?

Looks delicious. Hey, can I see your badge?

My rusty sheriff's badge?

Oh, I'm sure that showing your anus gets you into all your regular social clubs,

but this is the white house mess and to be in here,

you got to have one of these blue bad boys.

Why are you doing this, Jonah?

You see the picture of grover Cleveland?

Is that a tear in his eye

because he knows the rules aren't being respected?

Oh, Jesus. Fuck you.

Excuse me, sir. We have an intruder here.

No, we don't.

You know, Jonah, I hope you die a horrible death

choking on a red, glistening dog dick.

- Have a lovely Thanksgiving, Mrs. Ryan. - Oh, you, too.

- Well, I'm ready if you are. - For what?

I invited Richard to come back with us for Thanksgiving tomorrow.

Mom, you don't invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner.

I invite my friends to Thanksgiving dinner.

Richard, would you like to come to Thanksgiving dinner?

Man: Thanksgiving

wouldn't be complete without our...

Good morning. Happy Thanksgiving.

- Are they ready for me? - Yeah.

It's this election, it's just been brutal on me.

My eyelids are seriously starting to look like Keith Richards' ball sack.

- Oh, please. He wishes. - Ma'am, Mike just announced to the press

that we're closing up shop for the Thanksgiving holiday

and we're monitoring a North Korean military exercise right now and that's about it.

God, all that exercising and glorious leader still can't seem to take off a pound, right?

That haircut's not doing him any favors.

The South Korean pm is asking for a few minutes to discuss.

And the CDC is reporting a few more cases

of salmonella poisoning linked to contaminated poultry.

Tell the South Korean pm I'll give her a call later this afternoon.

- Right. - After, you know. Wish me luck, though.

- Good luck. - Yeah.

- Madam president. - Dr. Abernathy.

If you could please have a seat.

- Gary. - Dr. Abernathy.

- You're here. - I'm here to assist the president.

Well, I think that Karen and I can handle this.

I'm so sorry. How are you?

I'm fine, thank you. I'm just a little nervous, I have to confess.

- You're gonna be fine. - Yeah.

You're gonna be fine, ma'am.

In fact, I usually perform things

that are a bit more complicated than a de-bagging.

- A de-bagging? Is that what you just said? - Yes.

I thought you said tea-bagging.

No, no, no. That's my department.

He means that literally. He doesn't know what the other thing is.

Anyway, listen, can you just talk me through this procedure one more time?

- It's quite simple. - Okay.

I actually don't have to make any cuts to the exterior dermis.

It's all approached internally from behind the eyelid.

There's gonna be a little swelling, and of course, a tiny bit of bruising aftennards.

- Bruising? - Yes, Gary, bruising.

That's when a little blood collects underneath the skin.

- Right. - It's not a problem for an actual doctor.

Now, the beauty of this procedure

is that we can do it today and you'll be healed by Monday.

And I'll look 10 years younger.

That would make you a baby.

- Okay, it's... - Shall we get started?

- Okay. Yeah. - Gary, if you'll please excuse us.

It's very easy for me just to sit right there.

- I've got it. - Easy.

Reporter: Officials are reporting a... Kent: You seeing this?

Salmonella outbreak that has led to 37 hospitalizations in four states.

Potus is still getting permanently photoshopped.

Let's get the head of the CDC out there, calm everyone down.

Let's send Tom James out as well. He's a tall drink of Xanax.

The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance.

Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics?

Or how to cook a fucking Turkey?

Oh, sir, you're here now. Good.

- So Ben told me that apparently... - We're being deployed.

Operation calm the fuck down.

- Yes. - Come on in.

Just the guy I wanted to see.

Ooh. Uh-oh. I know that number.

The number of the beast Sidney purcell.

I don't know why he keeps calling me.

His comprehension of the word "no"

hovers somewhere around drunk college quarterback level, so...

But anyway, sir, how can I help you?

Got a little something for you.

Carol in personnel owed me a favor.

Oh, this is gonna wipe that crooked smile off Jonah Ryan's face.

I think that's genetic.

You know, egan, I work a little differently than the president.

As far as treating my staff, I try not to act

like an alcoholic father who has just stepped on a lego.

I value openness and straight talk.

You're part of the James team now.

- Part of my inner circle. - I'm honored.

So raise your right hand and repeat the oath.

I'm fucking with you. Come on, let's go.

That's very good, sir.

- Mike! Mike! - Mike, is this a salmonella epidemic?

Is the president going to make a statement?

She will be making a full statement soon...

Sooner than you think, but only when she's ready.

Right now, though, I'd like to bring up Dr. Robert weinberg

from the centers for disease control. Dr. Weinberg.

- This is not good. - It's fine.

Everybody's watching football. There's only a couple cases.

No, Wendy's pissed.

I left her at home with her folks and my folks plus her kids.

Shit, I don't even know who's at my house.

I don't even know if they're in town.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes I'm scared of Wendy.

She still has a great rack, though.

- What do you think? - Oh, yeah. You did great, ma'am.

- Oh, good. - Excuse me, ma'am.