The Clapper

This is Eddie Krumble.

Leave a message at the beep.

Eddie, it's your mother.

I'm leaving this message on your machine.

We saw you on the television here on your real estate show.

You looked very handsome. Call your mother.

So you're trying to tell me, with no money down,

- I can get a house? -

This is Eddie Krumble.

- Leave a message at the beep. - I can get a house.

Eddie, it's the machine again.

House.

You're trying to tell me, with no money down,

- I can get a house? We're freezing here.

You're trying to tell me, with no money down,

- I can get a house? We live in an icebox.

I can get a house?

- A house? House? -

Eddie, tell 'em...

["OUTDOORS" BY RED PLANET PLAYS]

Next stop, Hollywood and Highland.

Enjoy your day.

Hollywood bus tour! $13 all day. Hop in, hop off.

Hollywood bus tour. Hey, Hollywood bus tour.

Hollywood bus tour! Hollywood bus tour!

Hollywood bus tour. Hop on, hop off, $13 all.

- Hey! - Harry!

Hey, Chris, Eddie. Another day in hell, huh?

Living the dream, living the dream.

Hey, you doing your shows today?

Yeah, I got two questions. Extra hundred bucks.

Outta sight! Hey, you gotta hook me up with that.

I'll try, you know? Making a living, right?

Making a living, yeah. Hollywood bus tour!

Hop on, hop off. $13 all day.

Hollywood bus tour. Hollywood bus tour, sir?

Hop on, hop off, all day. See Hollywood.

- You good? - I'm good.

Filled up? All right.

No money down! No money down!

No money down! No money down!

Yes, yes! That's absolutely right!

And remember, what you're talking about here

is almost an acre of property for pennies on the dollar!

Pennies on the dollar! Pennies on the dollar!

And at Tranquil Estates, we have seven lakes

just teeming with catfish,

thirteen playgrounds and three golf courses.

Yes, go tweet about that right now, sir.

Uh-huh, yes, sir.

So you mean to tell me, with no money down,

I can buy a house?

You're a fine listener, sir. Exactly!

Yes, my friends, we want you to enjoy the neighbors,

the Clooneys, the Kardashians,

and that's if we still have a lot for them.

One resident was candidly quoted as saying,

the earth simply opened up, and down the drain they went.

Oh!

Yeah, right?

One day you're doing stuff, the next day...

You put yourself out there,

something's bound to happen sooner or later.

Keep it simple. That's what I'm saying.

Pay me to clap, maybe I get a question,

make a few extra bucks, I'm good.

Oh, my God, no way.

Alan Thicke, Alan Thicke! That's crazy.

Me and Chris, we were just talking about you.

We were in the audience. I asked the question.

No money down, not one penny.

Hey, you remembered that. Good. Oh, great.

By the way, you said that perfectly.

You nailed that line, and you looked good.

You guys were very good. Best audience money can buy.

That place is nice, right?

Yeah, you're gonna... you're gonna love it there.

Sign up.

So if I wanted to get a place for, like, like just...

No money down. Not one penny.

No money down! Yeah! Sorry. Just from the show, right?

Yeah, you were listening. - That's great.

He's a candidate, that guy.

Listen, you know, I just come by here to grab a bite to eat,

take it home with me, long day at the office.

I don't mean to bother you or nothing.

I'm asking Alan Thicke. Is it really down there?

Tell you what, the food's taking a little while, okay?

But here's what's gonna happen.

If you guys don't shut up, I'm gonna kill ya.

And I'll hurt your friend. Have a nice day.

How much gas do you need? Well, you never know.

You just got a quarter tank.

I think you just like going to this gas station.

I'll be right back.

- Hi, Judy. - Hi, Eddie.

Hey, so, um, I'll do four dollars and...

- Four-fifty. - Pump three.

I saw Chris earlier.

Um, sorry, the speaker's broke.

I saw Chris earlier.

Oh, Chris? Yeah, he's in the car.

Gas can.

Oh, he had a dog with him?

- What? -

A dog?

I can't hear you.

- Um, sorry. - I can't... What?

The speaker's broken.

The... Can you hear me?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, if you go over there by the pump,

you can hear me better.

- Back here? - Can you hear me now?

- Okay. - But I can hear you.

- Right here. - It's broken every other day.

Yeah, you're right there.

You said Chris has a dog?

He walks his friend Walter's dog, yeah.

He's an optometrist.

At least he says he is, but I don't know.

Chris's dog?

No, the dog's not an optometrist, Judy.

Unbelievable.

You know what would be a good idea?

I mean, just off the top of my head,

maybe put out some flash cards for the customers

so they can hold up the cards that say what they want,

like "cigarettes" or "I want more gas" or...

- Lottery tickets? - Yeah, lottery tickets!

You know, different cards for when the speaker goes out.

Yeah, that would be really helpful.

You always have such good ideas.

Yeah, thanks.

- -

Oh, my God, you're killing me!

I'm gonna get the gas, Judy.

- All right. - Bye.

Bye, Eddie.

Pull the trigger, dispense the nail,

and whack it in with one hand. Or switch hands.

It'll feel like someone else is whacking it for you.

So what you're telling me is, "Goodbye, conventional hammer?"

You hit the nail on the head, sir.

Goodbye, conventional hammer. Goodbye, conventional nails.

Goodbye, conventional life.

And hello, Nailhammer!

- -

Much better on the question, Eddie,

but, Chris, you have to be laughing harder

when that sign comes on.

Your little chuckles aren't gonna cut it anymore.

- No more chuckles. - Right.

And, Alma, enough with the sandwiches already, okay?

We're trying to do a show. Stop with the eat...

I had two questions today. That's like an extra 100 bucks.

Uh, sorry, word from above is no more bonuses for speaking.

- Yugoslavia! - Yes, ma'am.

Normal people don't wear red, okay?

That guy, he got a nail in his hand, right?

Thank you. Thank you for the info.

This stuff is for SAG members only,

so unless you have a SAG card, I need you to keep it moving.

Excuse me! We're part of the show, all right?

So we got every much a right to that as anybody.

Chris, get whatever you want.

Okay, just... That's enough. Use a plate.

There's napkins.

That's unsanitary.

What's going on with the sandwich police back there?

That was unbelievable.

These people walk all over you, you know what I'm saying?

You know why? 'Cause we don't have a union.

That's what we need, a union.

- Yep, totally. - That's what I'm saying.

You know what Rudy was telling me, from market research?

Oh, not Rudy.

Yeah, he said that all those shows in the '70s,

all those clappers are all dead now.

I heard the same thing.