Vir Das: Losing It

[man speaking in an American-Indian accent] I lost 80% of my mind.

It's very freeing.

You should see the look on your faces right now, by the way.

Oh!

Good evening, San Francisco. Are you guys excited, yeah?

All right. Well, my name is Vir Das.

We're gonna have such a good time tonight. I'm so excited.

It's gonna be delightful.

Oh, this is how I talk now.

I just thought it was time to really embrace my roots, you know,

and to make my comedy more authentically Indian.

And really, what could be more Indian than a fake American accent?

I don't think you understand.

I have an opportunity to make history tonight, guys.

I can. I can be the first ever Indian who comes to California...

and then leaves.

That's never happened before.

Because you guys are sticking around.

Until they kick you out.

Which, going by the news, is about three weeks from now.

Now, I used to work in America in the year 2002.

It didn't go very well, so I left for browner pastures.

And then, honestly, I didn't think about you guys for 15 years.

Because, honestly, there is nothing that you can get in America

that I can't get in India.

And then my government banned beef and I was like,

"You know, an international career might not be such a bad thing!"

Make no mistake. I'm just here for the beef.

It's been a good couple of years for me. I went on my first world tour.

I saw the entire world.

I went... Yeah.

Would you like to know what 33 countries in the world have in common?

- Would you like to know, yeah? - Yeah!

Two things. Number one, I have now masturbated in all 33 of those countries.

Thank you.

I'm like the Genghis Khan of the Holiday Inn chain.

My DNA is everywhere.

If your hotel has a memory foam mattress, I'm the memory.

And two, no matter where I went in the entire world,

people said the same thing.

They said, "Oh, my God, you're Indian?

I love Indian people. They're, like, so smart.

Indian people, you're, like, so smart."

Which leads me to believe the rest of the world not that smart.

Now, there's no answer to that question.

Whenever somebody says, "Indian people, so smart,"

all we can do is just, "Namaste," and, "Yes."

"Okay."

Because we all know the reality, right?

In reality, 20% of India is smart.

Eighty percent of India is so stupid,

we don't even give them a passport.

Eighty percent of India is just Being Human t-shirts and Gaurakshaks,

all right? That's basically India.

No, in reality, 20% of India is smart,

but it's a population game, so we get away with it.

Because 20% of India is 98% of most countries.

So, statistically, Indians are not smarter.

There are just more smart Indians.

And if you're taking time with that joke...

...you're in the 80%.

And for the world to progress, you need to go.

That's what I believe. If this world is going to progress,

Eighty percent of us, this, everything, everyone needs to go.

Same number, 80/20, applies to you, American people and English.

Think about your country. Eighty percent of America speaks English good.

But I'm pretty sure 20% of America speaks English well.

And if you don't understand the difference...

then you will make America great again.

I promise you. You're the one. It'll happen because of you, you, you.

Build that wall.

But in today's world, we don't need to speak English

because we have social media.

Eighty percent of social media cannot spell "social" or "media."

And if you can figure out how to communicate with them,

you can rule any country in the world.

That's the new strategy. A leader, a brand gives us three, four words of evil.

We are instantly hypnotized, mesmerized, on board.

That's all it takes. Three, four words.

"Make America great." "Build that wall." "Jail that bitch." "Drain that swamp."

"I'm lovin' it." "You're worth it."

"Liyo to Jio." "Abki baar Modi sarkar."

We are on board instantly.

But...

Every day on Twitter I am called anti-national,

unpatriotic, a traitor,

un-Indian,

and to all of that shit, I say, "Spot on!"

Because, fun fact, 80% of my nationality is Indian, but I'm 20% African.

Yeah. And I know what you're thinking, "Vir, which 20%?"

And I will tell you.

It's my childhood, guys. My childhood. I grew up in Africa.

In Lagos, Nigeria, but see, when I say the word "Africa,"

firstly, some musical shit happens in your head, right?

The minute I say the word "Africa..."

...but then after that...

you guys think of, like, tribes or nature or wildlife or malaria.

When my parents went to Africa in the early '80s,

when Indians were going to Africa for gold and diamonds

and oil and malaria...

Malaria has pretty much never left Africa.

If Africa is McDonald's, malaria is French fries.

They just give you that shit with everything.

I realize I'm being a bit unfair, comparing McDonald's to malaria.

You know, malaria is a curable illness.

But...

But Indians were very rich in Africa.

We had a house with an electric fence around it. All Indians did.

At our gate, 24/7, was an armed guard with an AK-47 machine gun. Security.

Do you know how many people you would have to murder in India

to get that level of security?

Oh, sorry, I messed up the joke. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

One second, I'll do it again.

Do you know how senior a politician you would have to be in India...

And then we lost everything in one week.

A dictator got shot, government changed, expats fled,

and all of a sudden, we were poor for the first time,

but the worst kind of poor, guys.

New poor. Yuck.

'Cause, you know, normal poor, you don't think twice about that shit.

Do you? No, you accept it.

I'm poor, you're poor. We can't afford downtown.

We live in San Jose. You accept that shit, but...

But when you're new poor, you have a fresh reminder of what you're missing.

Let me give you context. We went from a nine-bedroom house in Lagos, Nigeria,

to a seven-bedroom house in Delhi, in Noida.

But we only had enough furniture for one bedroom.

Do you know what it's like to live in a house with six empty bedrooms?

If you meet somebody in there, you just assume they're a ghost.

I was 16 years old.

Do you know how important it is for a boy to have his own room at 16?

We are producing our body weight in sperm on a daily basis when we are 16.

Indian men, have you ever jacked off in an empty room with no furniture?

We need something to rest on, right?\ Just...

Structure.

You know, in case you think of that one extra girl and the legs go.

You know what I'm talking about.

I had to train myself to jack off

in the center of the room like a yoga guru.

Like a feng shui master.

Vastu and tathastu in the same orgasm.

Really feel out the space.

When I was done, I could never find the sperm.

The floors were Italian marble.

Till date, if I have sex, I face the girl north.

My father is my hero.

My father went from driving a Mercedes S-Class,

beautiful German engineering,

to driving a Maruti 800.

Americans, it's just a roller skate with dreams.

But he's my hero because he never lost his optimism in his adversity.

On the day he walked us in to buy that shitty car,

he got so excited about that car.

He knew it would make his family excited about that car.

Fuck, he got the people at Maruti excited about that shitty car for the first time.

He walked in performing. "Is this your top-of-the-line model?"

"Yes!"

"Well, what makes this one top-of-the-line?"

"Sir, this one has four wheels.

Also, sir, the car has a sun roof."

"Really? I don't see a sun roof." "Yes, sir, but the roof is made of tin.

So it absorbs so much heat, you feel like you are sitting in the center of the sun.

This car has two indicators, sir, left and right.

Here's the right one.

And the car has six gear changes."

"Really? I only see four."

"Exactly. There's first,

second...

third...

...third...

...third...

and fourth.

"Would you like me to turn the air conditioner on, sir?"

"Absolutely."

My mom had to get a job. She had never worked before,

so she did the one thing that women who spoke good English in India did.

She read the news for Doordarshan.

Americans, Doordarshan is like our CNN, but with credibility.

With no training or formal experience,

my mother was Doordarshan's top newsreader in one week.