The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger.

I'm sorry this is my my tutor, Amy.

You and Jenny Swanson.

- Weird. I know. - Why is it weird?

I mean, she's hot and you're, like, the coolest guy in school.

You think I'm the coolest guy in school?

You've already busted your cherry.

Keep that down. If Jenny hears, I'm dead.

You lied to me?

- Dad. - Hey! RJ.

Hey, what do you think, huh?

What do I think it is?

It's a dream board.

I saw it on The View.

You think of something that you want, and you visualize it.

I mean, that's insane, but an improvement.

Oh, hey, we are improving big time, buddy.

Big time!

Just look at this.

See I visualized that we're taking a trip around the world.

And that's your mommy. And she's in a diamond airplane.

I don't have a picture of the airplane because I don't think it exists yet.

Actually, dad, I came to talk to you about something important.

I recognize that look.

That's the problems-in- pantyland look, huh?

Jenny and I are fighting.

Oh, you wanna dream board about it?

No, thank you.

You see, I lied to her.

You lied?

That's it?

Yeah, I mean, isn't lying bad?

Ha ha ha ha.

RJ, lying is in your blood.

It is the one thing that all Berger men do well.

Hell, I lied to your mother for years.

- No offense, dad, but... - Yeah, and why am I here?

Because I tried to tell the truth.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

And once you do that, all your dreams are gone.

But not now. Not now. No.

My name is RJ Berger.

And sometimes dreams don't come true.

Okay. So your dad's a little wacked out.

Who cares?

Last week my dad got so drunk he took a dump in the lamp.

That's unfortunate.

But I feel like I need to do something for him.

- You know, Amy says that I should... - Oh, there's that name again. Amy.

You've been spending a lot of time with her lately, huh?

What else am I supposed to do? Jenny won't talk to me.

Whatever, bro. You think you've got problems?

A teacher took my v card, gave me a splosh fetish and crabs

and now my pubs are so smooth, I look like a six-year-old boy.

A splosh fetish?

Yeah. Sex and food, RJ.

I had to Google it.

Freaky British people are into it.

Freaky British people and me.

Oh, hey.

If you're here to ask me on a date the answer is yes.

Great. I'll see you tomorrow morning third period, room 14.

- Really? - Yeah.

It's where our support group meets.

Support group?

It's a safe place for students to get together.

Talk about their problems.

A chance to connect intimately.

Oh, I'm gonna connect intimately all right.

With her butt.

Hey, does Rogaine work on your pubes?

RJ?

RJ, I'm dropping comedic gold here.

What, are you off daydreaming?

Sorry. Jenny.

Huh, yeah. Well, good luck with that.

I gotta get to my own class.

You're in this class.

Self help books.

Really, RJ?

- Yeah, uh... - Dude, if you need to talk just come talk to me.

I know. It's just I've had a lot on my plate.

Jenny is super pissed at me and my parents are going crazy.

Let me guess.

One of the 'rents is having a total melt down,

and the other one is acting like nothing even happened, right?

Yeah.

See, like, with me, my dar, for instance

was in total denial, and my mom basically became

a more cracked out version of Courtney Love.

It's the opposite in my case, actually.

I feel bad for my dad.

Yes, like, he lied but he still loves my mom.

RJ, you cannot keep your parents together, okay?

But you can be there for them when they fall apart.

That makes sense. Thank you.

Don't thank me thank three years of therapy.

Amy, I have a huge favor to ask you.

How good are you with a pair of scissors?

Hey, RJ, what are you doing here?

Who's this sensual little vixen?

Uh, dad, this is my friend, Amy.

- Amy... - And we're here to help you.

What are you talking about, bud, I'm doing great.

Why does it smell like burnt welfare in here?

Oh, my pop tart.

This is my dinner.

Dad, you gotta take a look at yourself. You're not okay.

Worse than my mom.

We have to do something.

Like what?

Looking good, Mr. B.

- Yeah, dad, you look great. - Thanks, guys.

I couldn't have done it with out you.

Now all I have to do is dream board a job.

Why don't we not dream board it, and just do it?

Yeah, you're right.

Look, I promise I'm gonna get back on track.

Hey.

Another thing I couldn't have done without you.

I'm sure your girlfriend would've done the same thing.

- If you hadn't screwed up. - Dude, no.

I could never bring Jenny here.

Why?

Because I couldn't bring a girl like that to a place like this.

So are you saying that because she's more popular than us?

No, I'm sorry.

- What I really meant to say... - No, it's fine. You know, it's fine.

Somewhere deep inside that dig on me was a compliment and I'm gonna take it.

And so I knifed that bitch in her fat face.

Fat face.

No!

Thank you very much.

No, thank you, Eduardo.

That took a lot of courage to admit that you feel that way

about your grandmother.

Everybody.

We support you, Eduardo.

We support you.

Okay.

Hamilton, how about you?

Think you're ready to share?

Pass.

All right.

Anybody else?

Go ahead, Lily.

Thanks.

Ever since I came back to school I've had this recurring nightmare.

Tell us about it.

Well, first I get run over by this giant penis-shaped bus, and I die.

But then I miraculously come back to life.

Oh.

But nobody cares.

Lily, wake up?

Then I wake up and I realize that almost all of that really happened.

Oh.

It's okay to cry here.

You know, remember you're in the safety circle.

Safety circle.

- I think I'm just still feeling a lot of anger toward... - What? Your face?

Nobody?

Okay, then. Let's get our heal on.

What the hell are you doing here, Miles?

This is peer support not assholes anonymous.

Oh, my gosh.

Is this not a safe place?

'Cause I thought this was a safe place.

Lily, that is not how we welcome new members.

Everyone, we support you, Miles.

Thanks, everyone.

I mean, I can't believe that suit fit him.

He's been eating nothing but, you know, pop tarts and hot dogs.

Yeah, well, maybe it was all the crying and vomiting

that kept the pounds off.

She does not look happy.

No, she does not.

- I should probably... - Yeah, you should go handle your business.

Hey, can we talk?

Actually, I'm kind of busy right now.

Why don't you go talk to your new tutor?

It's not like that. Please, just hear me out for a second.

I'm really sorry.

I lied and it was mean.

You know, we were having problems before the lie.

And I just feel like my life is disastrous and you don't care.

Yeah, it really seems disastrous.

I gotta go.

Craig, that was an incredible share.

Really incredible.

Oh, I hope you and your mom can work things out

by the time she gets out of prison.

You should stab that bitch in her fat face.

Fat face.

No. Everyone.