Wings

ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL OF SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 16

FROM NEW BEDFORD,

AND WELCOME TO OUR LOVELY ISLAND OF NANTUCKET.

AS YOU STROLL THROUGH TOWN,

YOU'LL PROBABLY NOTICE MY PRIZE-WINNING ROSE GARDEN.

PLEASE DON'T PICK THE FLOWERS.

I HAVE A FUNGO BAT, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT.

HELEN. YEAH?

WHAT TIME SHOULD I PICK YOU UP? PICK ME UP? FOR WHAT?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER? AH. JOE, HELP ME OUT HERE.

HAVEN'T I BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS DATE ALL WEEK?

YOU TALK ALL THE TIME. I TRY NOT TO LISTEN.

BRIAN, IF THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR ATTEMPTS AT GETTING ME

TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH YOU, FORGET ABOUT IT.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?

I DON'T DATE PILOTS.

AH, YEAH, YOU'VE USED THAT EXCUSE AT LEAST A ZILLION TIMES.

AT LONG LAST, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT AGAINST PILOTS?

LOOK, I GREW UP IN THIS AIRPORT. I KNOW YOU GUYS.

IT'S LIKE YOU ALL ARE MEMBERS OF SOME EXCLUSIVE LITTLE CLUB

THAT NONE OF THE REST OF US CAN JOIN.

YOU ACT SO SMUG. SO SUPERIOR.

WELL, CAN YOU FLY A PLANE?

NO, NO, REALLY? OH, OH, TAKE A GUY LIKE JOE.

ROCK SOLID, OWNS HIS OWN AIRLINE,

A TAD BORING, BUT OF GOOD YANKEE STUFF. WHAT ABOUT HIM?

YEAH. WHAT ABOUT ME?

SEE, HE MAY SEEM A LITTLE MORE GROWN-UP ON THE SURFACE,

BUT UNDERNEATH THAT HAIRLESS CHEST

BEATS THE HEART OF A PILOT.

I GOT A LITTLE.

YOU'RE LOOKING TOO FAR DOWN, JOE.

SO, ENLIGHTEN US. WHAT'S YOUR IDEA OF THE PERFECT MAN?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

SOLID, SENSITIVE AND DEPENDABLE.

BUT WITH A SENSE OF WHIMSY.

A LOVE OF MUSIC AND CHILDREN,

A SENSE OF COMMITMENT, BUT A RESPECT FOR MY INDEPENDENCE.

ADVENTUROUS YET A HOMEBODY.

BUT I REALLY HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT THAT MUCH.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT, HELEN, BUT KERMIT IS A FROG.

SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT IF MR. RIGHT WALTZED IN HERE AND HE WAS A PILOT,

YOU STILL WOULD NOT GO OUT WITH HIM?

ABSOLUTELY.

PILOTS AND COMMITMENT DON'T MIX.

OH, COME ON, HELEN.

WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE PILOTS IN THE WORLD WHO ARE HAPPILY MARRIED?

I KNOW BOTH OF THEM AND THEY'RE CHEATING ON THEIR WIVES.

HEY, FAY,

YOU KNOW HOW I'VE BEEN COMPLAININ' I CAN NEVER GET A HOLD OF LOWELL

WHEN I NEED HIM? UH-HUH.

WELL, MY COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS ARE OVER. WATCH THIS.

HEY, LOWELL, I NEED YOU AT THE COUNTER.

HEY, ROY, HOW YOU DOING?

DID YOU SEE THAT, FAY?

THIS THING WORKS LIKE A CHARM.

HAVE YOU SEEN THAT WALKIE-TALKIE YOU GAVE ME?

THERE IT IS.

NOW, IF YOU NEED ME,

CALL ME ON THIS THING AND I'LL BE HERE ON THE DOUBLE.

SCHUBERT. THE TROUT QUINTET.

FOURTH MOVEMENT.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE PIECE OF CHAMBER MUSIC.

MINE, TOO.

I THINK OF ALL THE PIECES OF MUSIC ABOUT FISH,

IT'S BY FAR THE MOST BEAUTIFUL.

HEY, JOE, JOE, JOE, JOE.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

YOU, UH, YOU ENJOY THEATER, DON'T YOU?

YEAH, WHY?

THE CURTAIN'S RISING, IT'S ACT ONE, SCENE ONE OF THE NEW SMASH HIT PLAY,

HELEN MEETS HER DREAM GUY BY BRIAN HACKETT.

WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?

I HIRED THAT MAN DOWN THERE TO BE HELEN'S DREAM GUY.

WHAT?

HE'S ACTUALLY MATT SARGENT, DISTINGUISHED ACTOR,

NOTED FOR MANY MAGNIFICENT PERFORMANCES SUCH AS

BIFF IN DEATH OF A SALESMAN, MERCUTIO IN ROMEO AND JULIET.

CURRENTLY, HE'S THE TRUCK DRIVER IN THAT MILK OF MAGNESIA AD.

OH, YEAH.

HE'S GOOD IN THAT. VERY CONVINCING DISCOMFORT.

I CAME OVER TO THE ISLAND TO DO A LITTLE PAINTING.

OH, REALLY?

WATER COLORS? OILS?

VARNISH. I'M DOING THE DECK ON MY SUMMER PLACE.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL BITE. WHY IS HE PRETENDING TO BE HELEN'S DREAM GUY?

IT'S A BRILLIANT PLAN.

MATT IS GONNA BE EVERYTHING HELEN EVER WANTED IN A GUY AND MORE,

AND THEN HE'S GONNA TELL HER THAT HE'S A PILOT.

IF HELEN STILL GOES OUT ON A DATE WITH HIM,

THEN SHE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO USE ANY ONE OF THOSE FLIMSY EXCUSES ON ME EVER AGAIN.

BRIAN, DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU HOW STUPID THIS IDEA IS?

PLEASE DO, JOE. JUST FOR OLD-TIME'S SAKE. I MISS IT SO.

YOU'RE GOING THROUGH AN AWFUL LOT OF TROUBLE.

DO YOU REALLY WANT A DATE WITH HER THAT BADLY?

JOE, I'M USED TO HAVING WOMEN EITHER LOVING ME OR HATING ME.

AND THIS BIZARRE MIDDLE GROUND OF ADULT MATURE FRIENDSHIPS JUST MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL.

ALL RIGHT. SO YOU GET A DATE. WHAT'S NEXT?

I DON'T KNOW, JOE. I'M NOT YOU.

I DON'T NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING IN ADVANCE.

I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN NEXT TUESDAY NIGHT FOR DINNER.

ROAST PORK. IT'LL NEVER WORK, BRIAN. YES, IT WILL.

BECAUSE I'M AN EXPERT AT MANIPULATING PEOPLE.

I HAVE ABSOLUTE CONTROL OVER THE HUMAN PSYCHE.

I AM

THE PUPPET MASTER.

WATCH HOW MY MARIONETTES DANCE FOR ME.

AH, FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO HATES SUSHI.

I JUST DON'T GET IT. AH!

HIGH ON A HILL WAS A LONELY GOATHERD

LAY EE ODL LAY EE ODL LAY HEE HOO

THIS IS RED RAIDER CALLING RAGING STALLION.

COME IN, RAGING STALLION.

THIS IS RAGING STALLION.

WHAT?

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

ALTHOUGH I CERTAINLY COULD HAVE.

THIS IS AEROMASS BUSINESS, FAY.

IT DOES NOT CONCERN YOU.

COME IN, RED RAIDER.

CAN I TALK TO FAY?

UH, OK, OK.

LOWELL NEEDS TO TALK TO, UH, TO YOU.

HELLO, THIS IS FAY.

DID YOU BRING THAT SCAMPI RECIPE IN TODAY?

YES, I DID. DO YOU WANT IT NOW?

SURE. LET ME FIND A PENCIL AND PAPER HERE.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

OH, MADE IN KOREA.

THEY EAT DOGS THERE, YOU KNOW?

FIRE AWAY.

UM, ALL RIGHT, RED RAIDER.

TAKE ONE POUND OF SHRIMP, SHELLED AND DEVEINED.

EXCUSE ME, BUT WHO IS SHELDON DEVANE?

I KNOW ALMOST ALL OF THE PEOPLE ON THIS ISLAND.

THAT IS SHELLED AND DEVEINED, YOU IDIOT!

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO TO YOU

IF YOU DON'T GET BACK TO WORK.

ROGER, RAGING STALLION.

PSST.

FAY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

UH, YES, LOWELL.

DON'T BE CONSPICUOUS, BUT CAN YOU SEE ROY

FROM WHERE YOU ARE?

YES, I CAN.

IS HIS FACE REALLY RED LIKE A TOMATO?

YES, IT IS.

UH-OH. I'LL BE HIDING OUT BEHIND THE UTILITY SHED.

DON'T TELL ROY.

HE WON'T HEAR IT FROM ME.

GOOD MORNING, HELEN.

NO, IT'S NOT A GOOD MORNING.

IT IS A GREAT MORNING. IT IS A FANTASTIC MORNING.

IT'S THE KIND OF MORNING THAT JUST MAKES LIFE WORTH LIVING.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. IT'S A KIND OF MORNING

WHEN YOU WANNA SPRAY YOURSELF WITH LEMON PLEDGE

AND SLIDE DOWN A BANNISTER.

WHY SO CHIPPER?

I MET A GUY.

OH, REALLY?

WE WENT ON A DATE LAST NIGHT

AND I HAD THE BEST TIME.

CANDLELIGHT DINNER, CAPPUCCINO ON THE WHARF, TERRIFIC SEX.

WHAT?

JUST SEEING IF YOU WERE LISTENING.

YOU KNOW I HATE CAPPUCCINO.

HEY, HERE HE COMES.

OOH, HE'S A HANDSOME BRUTE.

I SAW THIS IN A GARDEN THIS MORNING AND IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL

AND I KNEW YOU HAD TO HAVE IT.

THAT'S VERY SWEET. THANK YOU.

IT WASN'T EASY, THOUGH. SOME CRAZY LADY CHASED ME 5 BLOCKS WITH A FUNGO BAT.

UH, MATT, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO JOE AND BRIAN HACKETT.

HOW ARE YOU, JOE? HI, MATT.

HMM. SO, YOUNG MATTHEW, UH,

WHERE DO YOU HAIL FROM? NEW YORK.

OH, REALLY? AND WHAT DO YOU DO THERE?

I FLY. I'M A PILOT FOR PAN AM.

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT NEVER CAME UP.

OH, WELL, LISTEN, I HAVE TO RUN.

I CAME BY TO TELL YOU THAT I WILL PICK YOU UP 00.

NICE TO MEET YOU, FELLAS.

BYE, MATT.

OH, DARN, DARN, DARN, DARN.

ISN'T THAT JUST LIKE LIFE?

YOU THINK YOU'VE FOUND THE PERFECT GUY AND WHAM,

YOU GET HIT RIGHT IN THE TEETH, HUH!

IF ONLY IT WASN'T FOR THAT DANG NO-DATING-PILOTS RULE OF YOURS.

HUH.

OH, THAT.

SHE SAYS.

MY PLAN HAS WORKED TO PERFECTION.

NOW SHE NO LONGER HAS ANY MORE EXCUSES TO NOT GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME.

WAIT, BRIAN, ARE YOU SURE YOU THOUGHT THIS ALL THE WAY THROUGH?

JOE, JOE, YOU DOUBT THE PUPPET MASTER?

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG WITH THIS PLAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT, BRIAN? I'M DONE WITH DATING RULES.

OH, REALLY? YUP.