All in the Family

Oh!

Edith... Please, will you...

What's the matter?

Your two feet are like ice.

Oh, I'm sorry.

God!

Remember the expression:

"Cold feet, warm heart."

Maybe you oughta put your heart up against my feet.

She laughs at that.

Maybe before I come to bed I should put on my socks.

Maybe before you come to bed

you oughta stick your feet in the oven.

Geez, I'm going over big here tonight.

Maybe I oughta be on Johnny Carson.

Oh, yeah!

Stop that, stop that!

Stop that dopey laughing in bed in the middle of the night.

Why not?

I don't know.

It's some kind of a sin, I think.

It's freezing here. I gotta get another blanket.

Oh, Archie, you're so cute.

Oh, Edith, you are a pip.

Oh, hey, hey.

What's this we got here, huh?

Hey, this looks like some kind of a present here, huh?

Yeah, it's a surprise.

Ah, yeah, well,

looks too big for cufflinks, huh?

Oh, Archie, that ain't for you.

Why not?

It's for Stephie.

Tomorrow is her 10th birthday.

Oh, yeah...

It's so sad.

What the hell's sad about ten?

50 is sad.

10 years old

and nobody ever give her a birthday party.

Oh, wow.

What did you pack in there, a cat?

No. It's a doll.

A beautiful doll.

And she can do everything.

Her name is Wanda Wee Wee.

Ah, geez!

Why the hell did they have to make dolls

do all the disgusting things that humans do?

It ain't disgusting, it's natural.

Ah... to natural.

Let me tell you something, Edith.

It can't be natural and civilized, too.

You know what I'm gonna do tomorrow?

Don't tell me.

I'm gonna give Stephie a surprise party.

Ah... she tells me anyway.

You're so cute.

And you know what we're gonna have tomorrow?

Say good night, Edith.

- Good night. - Good night.

We're gonna have chocolate cake with chocolate icing,

'cause that's what little kids like,

and two flavors of ice cream:

peanut butter and jelly

and jamoca almond fudge.

Did you buy that already?

Oh, yeah. It's in the freezer.

Oh, no, you don't.

I'm... I'm only tryin' to get to the can.

Oh... no, you ain't.

No ice cream.

It'll keep you awake all night.

All right, I'll have it on my Froot Loops in the morning.

Aunt Edith!

Oh, geez.

Aunt Edith!

We woke her up.

Oh, it must be them frankfurters and Devil Dogs she ate.

Why do you buy 'em for her?

She won't kiss me if I don't.

- Aunt Edith! - Yeah, I'm comin'.

I hope she didn't hear us talkin' about her party.

Now, you stay there. No ice cream.

Coming!

What's the matter?

I don't feel good.

Oh, oh.

What's wrong?

I feel funny.

Oh, where do you feel funny?

My stomach.

- Here? - No.

- Here? - Ow!

I'm sorry.

What's the matter?

She don't feel good.

Oh... hey, maybe we should all have a little ice cream.

You got a little fever.

Now, I'll be right back.

Archie...

Get a wash cloth and soak it in rubbing alcohol.

And then put it on her head and on her stomach...

Wouldn't something a little cool inside the stomach be better?

- No! - Okay.

I'll call Dr. Shapiro.

Parkview 8...

Oh, my gosh.

P-A-8.

Oh, no!

They use numbers now.

7-2-8.

7-2-8.

Oh.

It's the same thing!

7-2-8.

Archie!

Oh, yeah, Edith.

The doctor is still examinin' her.

Oh, no, sit over here, Edith.

There's more room.

Edith, I wish that was Dr. Shapiro in there.

Well, that is Dr. Shapiro in there.

No.

It ain't Dr. Shapiro.

That's Dr. Shapiro's son.

But he's a doctor, too.

All right, but I can't take that in.

Every time I look at him there,

I remember when he was a kid,

and I had to chase him over the roof of our garage.

He was the smartest little kid in Gloria's class.

Even in them days, he wanted to be a doctor.

I know. That's what he was tryin' to be

up on the garage roof with Gloria.

He was always interested in science.

Science?

Geez, is that what you call that?

I remember he once told me that he wanted to make a bat.

What do you mean, a ball bat?

No! A bat.

You know.

How in the hell was he gonna do that?

He said that he was gonna cross a mouse with a bird.

And that's the genius you got workin' on our kid in there?

Doctor, how is she?

She's asleep, but it's her appendix.

It's gonna have to come out.

It's all right, Mrs. Bunker.

Now, an appendectomy in itself is not a serious operation.

Where is your telephone?

- Oh, right here, Doctor. - Fine.

Give him room.

I'm sorry that the bed ain't made up.

That's perfectly all right.

It got all messy when all this started to happen

'cause we was in it.

Shut up.

We was talkin'.

Why do you have to even bring it up?

Sidney, is this a local call?

I'm calling an ambulance.

What, an ambulance?

Oh, no. Hold it, hold it.

Hold it. Now wait a minute.

We don't need no ambulance there, Sid.

Dr. Shapiro.

Oh, Dr. Shapiro, huh?

Hey, he wasn't so high and mighty and hoity-toity

when you was this high, and I caught you hanging a cat

off old man Cassidy's "ellem" tree.

I never did that.

Who did do that?

Mikey Cassidy did it.

What was you doing there?

I was trying to save its life.

Ha ha ha, you hear that, Edith?

Every guy in a lynch mob always swears he's innocent.

I was!

But you wasn't innocent of hitting me

on the base of my spine with a rock.

That's because you kicked me in the behind.

That's 'cause you was up on the roof of our garage

making nasties.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, you was the doctor, Sidney.

Oh, no, no.

In those days, I was the patient.

Gloria was the doctor.

Sidney, I'm gonna sock you right in the jaw!

Oh, no, Archie!

Did you hear what he said there?

- Shhh. - My little girl.

- Please, Doctor, call the ambulance. - No, no, no.

- Get out of the way. - Archie, what are you doing?

- No ambu... - Let him call.

Edith, if anybody's gonna do an operation around here,

it's gonna be his old man.

My old man's on vacation.

Okay, at least I want a second opinion.