The Bisexual

- You're grinding again. - Shit.

- Let me see your teeth. - Are they worse?

No, they're the same.

I still heard you grinding last night.

Should have woke me up.

I shoved you and you stopped.

- Did I say anything? - No.

- Did I fart? - Maybe.

- Oh, shit, this is so embarrassing. - No, you didn't, I'm winding you up.

You're lying.

One time I heard you say, to Esther, Leila sleeps like this.

SHE SNORES VIGOROUSLY AND BLOWS A RASPBERRY

How do you feel?

OK.

Just... wish it wasn't the launch today.

Why? I'm excited.

I'm really proud of us.

No. Linger!

- No. - Stay. Hold out, seriously.

We should talk.

OK.

What do you want to talk about?

Last night was...

... big.

It was a mistake.

Don't say that.

It was different.

Yeah.

Because things are different.

- I'm different. - I'm different, too.

I'm getting pregnant.

Trying to get pregnant.

I need to go and get a shower.

DOOR SHUTS

SHOWER RUNS

SHOWER STOPS

DOOR OPENS

How are you going to do this?

You can't move in with your mother.

God, no!

I wouldn't do that to a child.

Esther will probably help.

Who's going to drive you to the hospital?

Well, not you because you don't have a licence.

I can order an Uber.

The chances of it happening are... 0.1%.

How did you do it? Who's the father?

I went to a sperm bank.

Whose sperm did you choose?

I don't want to talk about this any more.

I'll make you some coffee.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Hey, I know you're mad at me and I'm sorry

but something's happened and it's bigger than me and I need you.

Who died?

Sadie's getting pregnant.

She's trying to get pregnant.

She's been inseminated.

Oh!

I'm so sorry.

Fuck! I overslept.

I need to go to the shops. Do you know how to make shakshouka?

What's in the boxes?

Where are you going?

My mum's house in Cordoba.

I thought you were going to the embassy to figure out the visa?

I did. And it's not looking good.

What, you're not even going to try?

I'm not going to spend the next 10 months in limbo

waiting for the Home Office to decide my future.

And what about my future?

- Excuse me? - I don't want you to go.

Well, yeah, me neither, but tough luck.

Yeah, but we're together.

OK, but we're not married.

Well, do you want to be?

Francisca, will you marry me?

Yeah. OK.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God!

Wow!

- Put that back there. - Yeah.

And that too. Thanks.

And we love it. It's delicious, isn't it?

- Hmm, yeah, it's delicious. - What's it called?

- Shakshouka. - Shakshouka.

CHILDREN CHATTER IN THE BACKGROUND

- I'd also appreciate some water. - Sorry.

How's the course going?

They tried to make me head of the English Department.

- But I managed to escape. - Why? That's a fantastic opportunity.

Now he can spend more time writing.

He has too much time on his hands as it is.

If you had some work to do outside of school hours,

maybe that would make you more focused.

That doesn't make any sense,

you want to take away time to give more focus?

It's not time that Gabe lacks, it's motivation.

- I'm out of... - What he lacks is confidence.

I think critics go crazy for the depressive arts type.

- Gabe's is not depressed! - He is a bit depressed.

Oh, so you haven't read the book?

I wore off the cover of my copy

I read it so many times in high school.

Well, of course I've read the book.

Yeah, it's writing.

He has a good imagination.

But don't you think the tone of a writer's work

reflects who they really are?

Is there coriander in this, Gabe?

Yeah, yeah, you're right, Francisca, you clearly no Gabe very well.

I've only seen him through 34 long winters.

No, Will, parsley.

I don't like coriander.

- Hey! Whoa, what's going on? - Sit.

I'm genuinely happy you've found somebody you like enough

to sleep with more than once and I'm excited you felt the need

- to introduce her to us, that shows growth. - Thank you.

This has been a wonderful conversation that's ended now.

You're her tutor. And you're famous.

Come on, we both know I'm not famous any more.

That's your low self-esteem talking.

She's only with you because you're a writer.

- I hate the way she speaks. - Really?

I thought she was really clever.

That's because she wants you to think that she's clever.

But really, she's rude and a little bit aggressive.

Ah, love. She may not be your leading lady,

but at least you've started the casting process.

- Let me set you up. - What? No! Can we talk about this later, please?

I really do need to take a piss.

- This is Jess. - OK.

She works for Unicef.

I think she DJs.

HE SIGHS

Oh, hi. This is my pregnancy test.

Oh! Excuse me. Sorry, um...

Sorry, I've just been asked for a urine sample.

I wondered if you'd like it.

- I'm not a nurse. That's not for me. - OK.

- Um, right. - Miss Blakewood?

Oh, yes. I'm sorry, I've got it. Yeah. Hang on.

Hi.

Hi.

Thank you.

This is difficult.

What's up, Hye Me?

I'm not particularly fond of either of you at the moment.

Yeah, you've made that very clear.

But that doesn't change the fact that working at Mine

has been a transformative experience.

But, professionally and personally...

- Hye Me... - I haven't finished.

You've given me an education

and for that I am grateful.

But an opportunity has presented itself and I'm going to take it.

My new boss says if offered a space on a rocket ship,

you don't ask what seat, you just get on.

Your new boss is Sheryl Sandberg?

My new boss may have been quoting.

How many weeks do we have to find a replacement?

- Two. - Great. Thank you, Hye Me.

It was unfair of me to put you on the spot like that.

It's too much to take in, you know?

"Meet Francisa. Also, hey, she's going to be my wife."

- So I'll just tell her when it's just the two of us. - It's fine.

You tell when tell her when you tell her, it's not like she's your mother.

No.

It's not. I mean, it's really not at all like she's my mother.

Yeah, you're smart. You're cool about things.

- TEXT MESSAGE ALERT - You're chills, it's what I love about you.

One drink and we're going.

_

Fuck sake!

Hey.

- Thanks for coming. - Hey. Congrats on the launch.

I would have thought your office would be larger.

Let's get you a drink.

Do you need help with anything?

Oh, my God, you're Ruby from Ruby True Days?

- Yeah. - I'm obsessed with you!

You're incredible. I love your blog.

Oh, you do?

Yes, of course I do! I keep on checking it constantly.

I think you're so smart and I thought the piece on Madonna

was so insightful when she talks about

the scarf that her father gave her to take to the UN.

It made me cry like a baby.

I cannot tell you how much that means to me.

- You should write for her blog. - Well, I have a job.

Oh yeah, we should to do some more writing.

Well, I write for myself, not for a fucking blog.

- Her blog is amazing. - No offence.

- None taken. - I think your blog amazing!

THEY LAUGH EXCITEDLY

I'm so excited. I can't believe it. I can't believe I'm meeting you.

Thank you for coming.

Oh, I missed you so much.

- Pull yourself together. - Come.