The Thing About Harry

This is nice.

Mm-hmm. So nice.

- Sam? - Mm-hmm?

Do you have a...

Ew. No.

Then what's poking my back?

It's my phone.

- Relax. -

I was like, oh my God,

I hope he's not trying to get up on this.

Ugh. Gross.

Okay, you don't have to say it like that, homo.

- It doesn't bite. - Hey!

We talked about this.

You can't use that word.

You say it!

I'm allowed.

You don't gotta be mean about it.

Okay, swap. I wanna be little spoon.

So what are you doing this weekend?

For Valentine's Day? Nothing.

You're not going out with Gary?

Oh my God, no.

That's something a boyfriend/girlfriend would do.

You know that's not my jam.

You guys have been dating for, like, three years.

I think you can call him your boyfriend,

everybody else does.

Are you trying to start a fight?

What about you, Samwich?

You okay?

You mean because this is my first Valentine's Day

without Malcolm?

It's been a couple months.

You ready to get back on the horse?

There will be no horses

of any kind in my immediate future.

Which is why I'm so glad to be getting out of here

for a few days.

Don't have to go to any of those awful singles parties

and have people give me those horrible looks

and try to set me up with guys named Troy

and Devin.

I am just so not ready for that right now.

Wait, what do you mean you're getting out of here?

Where're you going?

My friends, Kelly and Kris?

From high school? Their engagement party.

We talked about this.

I must've blocked it out.

My God!

You're going all the way home for an engagement party?

Ugh. You are a good friend.

Yes, I am.

Speak of the devils.

Hi!

How are you?

How does it feel to be "affianced"?

Affi-what?

Affianced. It means engaged.

Oh!

I like that. Af-financed.

Like, give me my money, husband.

No, I--

- Never mind. - It feels amazing!

We're so excited that you're coming home for our party!

Ask him about Harry.

I'm going to, give me a sec.

- Ask me what? - He's not gonna mind.

So listen, we have a small favor to ask.

Anything for the bride and groom.

- Great. - Oh my God.

Could you... would you mind

giving Harry a lift?

Harry? Harry who?

Harry... Turpin.

Harry Turpin.

Eh, you don't mean Harry Turpin?

Harry Turpin who hates me?

Harry Turpin who made fun of me

pretty much every day in high school?

Yeah.

You're not seriously asking me

to spend nine hours alone in a car

with Harry frickin' Turpin, are you?

No way! Say no, Sam.

Kinda.

It's just you guys go to the same school.

And he was supposed to drive out with his girlfriend,

but I guess they broke up or something.

- Shocking. - And he doesn't have a car,

so he won't be able to come, unless...

- I don't know, Kelly. - Say no.

You know, give it to me. I'll tell her.

No. Stop it. Stop. Stop.

We really want him there.

Kris really wants him there.

Please.

Hey.

What's that sound?

Where are you?

Hell, apparently.

Um, yes, okay.

I will bring Harry.

Oh my God! Thank you!

Tell him to meet me outside the Student Union 7 a. m. sharp.

If he is late, I swear to God

- I'm leaving without him. - He'll be there.

Thank you, Sam. Thank you, thank you.

- See you Saturday! - Mm-hmm.

Wow!

You, my friend, are a medical marvel.

It's a wonder you can stand up at all without a spine like that.

Oh!

- Everything okay? - He's not here.

What an asshole.

See, and that's the thing about Harry.

No concern for anybody else,

just shows up whenever the hell he wants to.

Ugh. I never should have agreed to this.

No, you really shouldn't have.

You could always leave. You'd be perfectly justified.

Fine, I'll give him till 7:15.

What are you doing?

7:10 in the morning, what do you think I'm doing?

Oh my gosh, did I wake you?

Yeah, but it's fine. I don't mind.

- I mind. - Shut up, Gary.

No one cares what you think.

Tell him I said hi.

- Gary says hi. - Hi, Gary.

Okay, sorry I woke you guys. Go back to bed.

No, no, no, I'll stay on.

Now remember,

if he starts anything,

any, any name-calling or anything at all,

you just pull over

and tell him, "Get the hell out."

- Got it. - Say it.

- What? - Practice. I wanna hear you.

I'm not gonna...

Fine. Get the hell out.

You're kidding, right?

What the hell kinda command is that?

I tell Gary to pick up my ice cream more forcefully than that.

Again.

Get the hell out!

Again! From those underused balls of yours!

Get the hell out!

Again! Like the lion that you are!

Get the hell out!

- Sorry. Okay, good.

You're gonna be fine, babe, okay.

Call me if you need me.

I will. Bye.

Mmm. -

I said 7 a. m.

Sharp. He's not here, that's not my fault.

And the good news is

I don't have to spend nine hours

in a car with...

Wait, hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, wait, wait...

...Harry Turpin.

Hey! Hey! Yo!

Thanks, man.

All right, I know I'm a few minutes late, but...

- Try 20. - ...not my fault.

See, my roommate made these killer tacos last night.

And this morning I had to evacuate the building,

if you know what I mean.

And it put me a little behind sched.

But I made it.

We're here, road-trippin' home.

No harm, no foul balls.

Although my balls may be

a little foul, 'cause...

I didn't have time to shower, you get me?

I... get you.

Oh, would you mind making a quick stop at The Drip?

I'm gonna need some serious caffeine

if I'm gonna be good company for you.

And then she lost her mind

because I forgot our three-month anniversary!

I mean, is that even a thing?

Like, who remembers shit like that?

I don't know,

thoughtful people?

Mmm.

Of course you say that, you never forget anything.

Yo, remember that time you reminded Mrs. Brown

we were supposed to have a bio quiz?

And everyone got so pissed at you?

Yeah, I remember.

Because I had studied like we were supposed to,

and I didn't want to get behind, you know.

We had those big projects in English and Social Studies.

Plus, it was the first time that you called me "Suck-up Sammy,"

so... not something I'm likely to forget.

Hey, who called you "Suck-up Sammy"?

You.