Broad City

Shit!

Bitch, it's 10:04!

I overslept! I packed my alarm!

I'll change so fast!

No bra! Save time!

- It's 10:44. - Okay, we got this.

I am not letting you miss your last NYCBEC, bitch!

I think we might get it, dude!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

- Okay. - Come on, sister.

Come on. We don't got time!

Ma'ams, children are dying!

Ilana, cat pass!

They're starving! They're so hungry!

You need to feed them!

From the moment they're born, they're dying!

This isn't the end!

Get us!

- We're almost there. - We're so close. Yes.

Get ready for the best bacon, egg, and cheese in New York City.

What?

Oh, no!

I can't believe that the bodega

with the best bacon, egg, and cheese is literally gone.

Okay, it's okay.

We're gonna get one right now and forget that ever happened

when we're taking painful

bacon, egg, and cheese shits later, okay?

- Oh, I can't wait. - Come on.

You're listening to Hot 97.

Ugh, the sign. Let's lay on the charm. Here we go.

- My goodness. - Wow.

So much on the menu that looks delicious.

- Yeah. - What do we get?

I know it's "wate,"

but I really would like some "bweakfast" food.

Hey, hunky boy.

Hi. Hi.

Can we get two bacon, egg, and cheeses?

Nope. No eggs after 11:00.

You know what?

This is this angel's final breakfast

- in New York City. - Yeah.

Before she goes and rebuilds homes for Christian tsunami victims.

Okay, that's not true.

And you are gonna deny her this?

You are gonna deny her this Make-A-Wish?

For shame.

Shame!

Shame!

Shame!

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just gonna leave some money for you fellas.

That was inappropriate.

I feel better. Let's go.

- This is gonna be delish. - We got this.

- We got this. - Jesus Christ.

Oh, no, no. We're not doing this.

I can't believe we couldn't find you

one last bacon, egg, and cheese before you go.

I failed you.

No, you didn't, dude.

And also, maybe I, like, can buy the ingredients.

We could FaceTime while I make it in Boulder.

Oh, God.

It's not the bacon, egg, and cheese.

It's just... oh, God!

Why the fuck would you go to Boulder?

I mean, well, mainly for the residency program.

Yeah, yeah, residency,

but... but what the fuck is the culture there? Rocks?

What could you possibly find at Boulder?

What does Colorado have to offer that New York City doesn't?

Well, for one, recreational weed.

Right.

Yeah, but you're gonna come so soon.

Oh, my God!

I told you you can come whenever you want.

No, look. Oh.

It is. It is!

New York City, you've done it again!

Abbi, this is a Wa-Unchi toilet.

Don't you see?

We thought we were on some classic

Abbi and Ilana New York City journey today.

We thought it was for the bacon, egg, and cheese.

When, in fact, this was our mission all along.

Okay.

Okay, but... so... so, what is exactly the new mission now?

This toilet. We're gonna bring it back to my house.

Are you... sure?

Abbi, this is a Wa-Unchi.

It's an intelligent toilet with an UV light that breaks down

the germs of fecal matter in the bowl.

It has a heated seat and warm water that sprays in your ass

after you take a dump just like a bidet.

God, every time you are sprayed, you are reborn.

Okay, Ilana, this is someone else's.

This is gross. Just don't touch it so much.

Abbi, this was our tiny little mission for the day.

Come on. It's a $10,000 toilet.

- Wow. - I need this.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

Let's... you know what? Let's take the toilet home!

You won't regret it, mister!

- I'll get a cab. - Okay.

Yeah, hey, yes.

Okay. Tilt.

- I'll do this. - Legs.

Legs. Step.

Yeah.

You dick!

Toilet discrimination.

Okay, um...

Okay.

Whoo.

Jesus. Uber is surging 60 times the normal rate.

Okay, I'll... I'll just call us a Lyft.

Woof, my rating is very low.

Probably from the pee incident.

Again, sorry about that.

- Totally fine. - All right.

How are we gonna get this toilet back to Brooklyn?

We're gonna walk it across the bridge?

That's right.

Kids are suckers, man.

70 bucks for an old skateboard?

Too easy.

I can't believe we've never walked

across the Brooklyn Bridge together.

Yeah, it's kind of nuts that we managed to do it individually.

I mean, we're almost always together.

Ilana, I'm really proud of you, dude.

I mean, obviously, for going back to school

to become the most badass therapist

New York City has ever seen,

but also for the Phone Wigs!

I mean, I really feel like you have something there.

Like, that has legs, you know?

We have so many dope ideas.

We have to make sure

we keep up the brainstorming sessions going.

It's really important.

I mean, I strongly, strongly believe in

the joint gynecologist/ waxing/laser hair removal thing.

- Oh, yeah. - It's like a one-stop shop.

Come on, that's genius.

I mean, I still also believe in the Dorito dust.

I mean, I'm just eating the chip for the dust.

- Exactly. - And it's like cut out the middleman

and get me a vial straight of that dust

for spicing or for swigging.

I just found out, dude, that Doritos are tortilla chips.

- Wild. - I mean, no one talks about that.

Abbi, I've been thinking a lot

about this whole end-of-the-world thing.

If the apocalypse happens,

we're not gonna be in the same city.

Shit. If we're not in the same city,

how are we supposed to find each other?

Once the electricity goes down,

all the banks are gonna be hacked and drained.

- That's exactly what is going to happen. - Hey, look, a Wa-Unchi.

You know what? First thing you do when you get to Boulder,

you go to the bank. You take out a shit ton of cash.

I'm talking half your savings, okay?

You go back to your dorm. You find a loose floorboard.

You pry it open, and you stuff the cash in there.

You create a hidden nook. Shit's gonna be nuts.

Ooh, I love hidden nooks. I'm on it.

I read this article... well, headline...

that said that only four days after it all goes dark,

New Yorkers are gonna start killing each other.

We got to get out of the cities and have cash on hand.

Yeah. We're also gonna need

those straws that allow you to drink your own pee.

We're gonna need to get that gel

that marathoners use for, like, energy and shit.

Oh, we're also gonna need to get those pants

that zip and become shorts so you have both.

You're gonna have to stock up on your contact lenses.

But I really, really think

you should consider doing Lasik, for real.

Good call. Good call. Okay, where should we plan to meet up?

All right. Why don't I pull up the map?

Hold on.

All right, well, it looks like St. Louis is right in the middle.

I mean, we could meet right in the middle of the arch.

This is so funny.

Colorado is where I thought Montana was.

You're gonna be actually where I thought Oklahoma was.

That's cool. Mormons are dope.

Well, I think Utah is actually the Mormon area.

Oh, right, right, right.

- Momo's still dope, though. - Yeah.

Abbi, promise me when you get to Colorado, you're also gonna get a bike

'cause that's why everybody's gonna be killing each other for the gas.

Bike's are the O.G. best friends of people.

Whew, okay, I'll get a bike.

Hey, let's stop over here for a second.