Jane Austen's Mafia!

Life's an enigma, a puzzle...

a confusing struggle between right and wrong,

good and evil, truth and deceit.

You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.

But I know one thing for sure:

You're just buying someone else's headaches when you get a used car.

##

Stop that run! Stop that run!

##

# Night and day #

# You are the one #

# Only you beneath the moon #

Before I got myself blown up,

Anthony Cortino was one of the most powerful men in Las Vegas.

I ran the Peppermill... the flashiest, most profitable casino in Nevada.

Hey, Barry. Keep the car.

I drove the hottest cars, hung out with the biggest stars,

- dated the sexiest babes... - Watch your head.

I was set.

- # Night and day # -

- # Why is it so # - I had created paradise on earth,

and all because I ate, slept and breathed gambling.

Hi.

- Loser. Seven out. - Stack 'em right.

I was a gambler's gambler... a guaranteed winner.

- That's just the way it was. - Go fish.

The Peppermill meant cash. The money was comin' in so fast, we couldn't count it.

Watch these guys. I think they're stealin' towels.

And it all went right to the Family, tax-free.

- Back to yellow. You lose. -

High rollers, slot junkies, vacationers from the Midwest...

all came certain they could win,

that this was their shot at a miracle.

- Place your bets. - It's all been arranged just for us to get your money.

Let me see, uh, two.

That's the truth about Las Vegas.

I'm sorry, I was thinking of... three.

- - The Mafia is a high-overhead machine...

and somebody's gotta pick up the tab.

- House wins. Place your bets and guess again. - Three.

To the bosses, I was a cash register.

All they had to do was to ring the bell and take the money.

- One, two, three, four, and back down the chute... -

Fixed fights, doped horses, locked-in point spreads...

- I had the cake pouring in. - Come on, baby!

But nothing brought it in faster, and in bigger bundles, than the casino.

- I got these. You got those? - I'll get those!

- Yeah, you get these. All right, I got these. - Over here.

This was the end result of all the bright lights and glitter:

Booze, broads, and free hotel suites for the high roller,

cheap drinks and all-you-can-eat buffets for the everyday sucker.

The smart ones just send us the money...

- and save on plane fare. - # I think of you #

# Day and night #

# I said, night and day #

# Under the hide of me #

All right, move 'em out. Let's go.

# Oh, such a hunger yearning It's burnin' inside of me #

If we had our own printing press, we couldn't have done any better.

I made the Mafia happy, and the bosses knew just how to spread the influence.

But life is an enigma. I never planned for any of this.

And I'll lay you eight-to-five, when he was a kid back in Sicily,

my father, Vincenzo Cortino,

- never thought his life would turn out the way it did either. - # Night and day ##

- - Vincenzo!

- -

- Scusi. -

Oops!

##

##

##

##

##

- -

Wow, the colors. Great shit.

- -

##

Popo! Popo Gigio!

The categories are: The Chinese Theater,

Female Firsts...

- -

- Yoo-hoo! -

- - Scusi.

- Mama. - Eh.

Vincenzo!

- -

- Tomasino! - Vino! - Stupidoni!

- - Documents, please.

The white zone is for white people only.

That's right, one at a time. Paper, please.

- Move along, sir. - But we had reservations!

Next? Name.

What's your name, boy?

- Armani Windbreaker. - Cortino.

Fine. Read this.

Stand over there. Next?

Clamato!

Dominick Clamato. I'm lookin' for Dominick Clamato.

Sweat-a shop. Slave wages.

I'm lookin' for Dominick Clamato.

Don't say nothin'.

Gun.

- Where is your family? - Family?

No. Alone.

- That is so sad. - But when I close my eyes tight,

I can picture them here.

Wh-When you squeeze your eyes closed,

do you see lots of things, uh... como se dice...

uh, rectangles?

No. All I ever see are those long, floaty things.

Ah, eye worms. In Sicily, the peasants used to get them...

by eating raw pork and then rubbing their eyes.

Once the worms get inside your eyeball,

it's just a matter of days before they eat their way into your brain.

Then, you shit yourself and die in a most embarrassing way.

Rosa was not very attractive by Italian standards.

- Rosa, come. - Hardly any body hair.

Come on.

Thanks for carryin' my luggage, pal.

- I'll take my gun. -

Don't be a fool. Cops don't help our kind.

In this country, we gotta look out for ourselves.

- No! - Gimme your money.

- Gimme your money. - Use the gun.

No. I'll use my brain. It's as big as any bullet.

You won't look so pretty without a nose.

Why don't you pick a nose your own size?

Look at you. You're just a boy.

You think you can stop me? How?

- I'll outsmart you. - Oh, yeah?

Answer me this. A rooster sits on the peak of a roof. It lays an egg.

Which-a side will the egg roll down?

The left. N-No. The right.

- I don't know. - Neither, my friend. Roosters don't lay eggs.

Oh!

This was no ordinary kid.

I had a feelin' we'd be seein' a lot of each other.

Stay in school.

Thank you.

- I don't even know your name. - Uh, Vincenzo.

Vincenzo Armani Windbreaker Cortino. You?

I'm Rosa Versace Blue Blazer And Matching Skirt Pantucci.

- Are you from Sicily too? - No, Milano.

My father was in the military. A lancer.

- Bengal Lancer? - No, a boil lancer. One of the best.

But then, one day,

there were no more-a boils.

He turned to drink.

We lost him at a Grateful Dead concert.

Look! A falling-a star!

They say that if two people meeting for the first time...

see a falling star, their wish will come true.

Make a wish, Vincenzo.

I believe in America.

I raised my daughter in American fashion.

- One day, she went to see a man. -

He got her alone in a room,

held her down in a chair.

When she resisted, he stuck her with a needle.

Then, when she was helpless,

- he took-a pliers, and... -

Look at her, Don Cortino. Look.

I'm familiar with this Doctor Mendelbaum. He's not a dentist, he's a butcher.

He put caps on the Turteltaub twins.

- I saw them. They looked like beavers. -

In fact, I have a cord of wood they cut.

- I'm all set for the winter. -

- - Whoops-a-daisy!

Ah. I found my keys.

Huh.

I must own a car.

- ## -

A beautiful girl, Don Cortino.

A daughter who has brought only happiness into our home...

- for seventeen years. - Ugh. Horrible.

Can't really blame the boy. Aah! Aah!

Get out of here, you bastard.

What is it you request?

##