United States of Tara

Previously, on United States of Tara...

Look, we knew when you were off the meds the whole gang would resurface.

Multiple personality reunion tour.

Something tells me that my sister isn't home tonight.

That's T! Like the letter, not the hot beverage.

Hello. I'm Alice. I brought my cake.

- When's mom coming back? - You aren't guarding your flower.

You mean a slut, a girl who sucks and fucks?

I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap.

I'm Buck, and I will fuck you sideways.

Remember that chick I scored with?

Man, she was drunk as fuck, but I didn't let that stop me.

'Course, I got crabs.

- Hi, sweetheart. - Hey, mom.

We want kids to move in with us.

Tara?

- What the fuck? - I wet the fucking bed!

There may be a new alter. It's animalistic.

Okay, you're making me sound like an evil, Rabid Squirrel.

I'm gonna wait three dates before I let a guy fuck me.

Nick Hurley, environmental lawyer, with whom I have a date tonight.

This thing I have with your aunt... Crazy real, you know?

Jason Maurio's auditioning? I think he's nice.

You're marshall's BF.

- I'm not anybody's BF. - You like girls?

The shed's on fire!

Sometimes, the strongest thing to do is ask for help.

You can't get better until you know what happened.

At boarding school, she had sex with a guy she didn't want to do.

- His name is Trip Johanssen. - I'm glad you called.

It's been troubling me.

See ya, T.

- You just called her "T." - Tara was already a multiple.

What happened with Trip wasn't what made Tara split?

I want to go home.

I forgive you, mom.

The kids are getting pretty good at this.

They learned from Buck.

You know,

it could get worse before it gets better.

I know.

Open up the sky. This mess is getting high.

Its windy and our family needs a ride.

I know we'll be just fine

when we learn to love the ride.

I know we'll be fine

when we learn to love the ride.

I know we'll be just fine

when we learn to love the ride.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Are we sure they're all gone?

It's been three months.

I know I'm ready.

Something about this feels creepy and clandestine.

That's what we do best, son.

How about we dump Alice first?

- Bonne chance , bitch. - Let's do T next.

I'm sure that this will clothe some lucky child.

Let's just do them all at once. Let's just get this over with.

- Really? - Yeah. Let's do it.

Bye.

Where'd that come from?

Are we sure this is a suicide?

I hardly knew this guy, but I didn't think Hubbard was...

Why does this feel like a small victory?

I bet everyone thought I'd be the one to off myself.

Guess what, Oak avenue.

The lady with all personalities is not the most fucked-up person on the block.

You are now.

I'm gonna run with it. I'm gonna freak people out...

Dress like Napoleon,

- pee on everyone. - Tara!

So not funny.

I went through that phase in the '80s.

There's the body.

I don't wanna see it.

- Yes, I do. No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

I never even met this guy.

Maybe this is like some sort of social wake-up call.

We should know our neighbors a little better, right?

- Yeah, right. You're... Ted and... - Ted Mayo.

- This is my partner, Hany. - Hi.

We're the gays. Everybody here knows that.

Yeah, we're the crazy family and I guess everybody here knows that, too.

Pretty much, yes.

We should do brunch or dinner this week. I haven't entertained in forever.

- Really? That'd be great. - We'll bring the appetizers.

Don't touch my mise. I have it how I like it.

That is some weird sausage, brother.

It's Linguiça . It's wasted on you.

- How you feeling today? - Great.

Can you pick up some flowers for the neighbor dinner thing tonight?

Sure.

I love you guys so much.

It's so cool that we're having breakfast together, just like old times.

Take your pinks and greens and the little white one?

Yes, I did, lover.

And I'll let you know if I experience dizziness

or the urge to operate heavy machinery

- or vaginal dryness or... - Mom.

Okay.

Just checking.

- Is Charmaine bringing Nick tonight? - Yeah.

- She's in like, stage 3 of mantrapment. - Are we supposed to pretend like her?

Ka... Put on legal pants.

Just because you graduated doesn't mean you get to lay around the house

- all day. - I'm not. I'm job-hunting.

By the way, high school was just the easiest thing ever.

It was easier than those hygiene tests we had to take at Barnabeez.

Wish you'd graduated in normal way. I wanna see my first kid in cap and gown.

I'm sure you'll see Marshall in a gown eventually.

Besides, I'm still going to college next year.

- You think? - You better.

Nice plating.

So little in life is beautiful.

Hey. Marshall.

You obviously belong over here, babe...

In the fruit bowl, with the rest of this kids.

- What? - The fruit bowl?

The gayble? You know, the gay table,

where we all sit?

Attention, students. Pep rally is tomorrow.

I'm straight, but not narrow.

He's cute.

He has a great face... and eyes.

- He's almost like a Jonas. - He's such a Jonas. Adorable.

I can't believe you wasted your time chasing boring, straight Jason Maurio

when you could have one of us.

You should do the gay carnations with us. My god. Shouldn't he?

What is that, even?

You know how every year, they do that stupid sweetheart day,

where the popular kids send each other carnations in homeroom?

Red for "Love", pink for "Like", yellow for

"I jacked you off at church camp, now I pretend like it never happened."

- They're reclaiming it. - I'm petitioning student council

to do purple carnations for sweetheart day.

I mean...

Why shouldn't we be able to express our feelings?

Could just send red,

red for "Love".

Love is love.

Not according to the government, Marshall.

When legislation colors us all the same, we'll use the same color flowers.

- I'd rather just send red. - Okay.

Send a red carnation from your little closet.

My god. It's an apron.

People wear aprons to protect their clothing.

Just 'cause I don't want to get pot de crème all over my dress...

Hey, I was just checking.

I haven't transitioned in months, for the record.

I never seen you wearing an apron before and I never seen you making pot .

We've got to impress these people. We need allies around here.

And if it takes me using a small torch to accomplish that,

I will.

Did you like that song from Slumdog Millionaire "jai ho" ?

I did! I loved that!

If you like "jai ho" ,

you should hear Hany sing some of his native songs.

- Gorgeous. - Don't make me sing.

- Come on! - I'm not singing.

- Come on. - Yes, you are.

And roll and push and push and push and push.

Oh, yes, thank you for the clapping to the sky,

to the sky, plant the seeds...

Is this that thing where your sister... turns?

No. Unfortunately, that's just her.

And shuffle it...

And... she's better now. That "thing" that she has it's not hereditary.

It's...

It's caused by trauma.

You know, sexual trauma.

You want to do it with me? Do it, do it, do it

I am hot, hot, hot.

- Okay, come on. Throttle down. - Come on, everybody!

Just me.