Mom

What?

It feels different, doesn't it?

Breakfast?

This. You, me, us. Married. Different.

Not really. We've basically been living together

for a couple of years.

This little piece of paper right here...

makes it different.

That's the gas bill.

I know that. It was symbolic.

Oh, let me guess... you already lost the marriage certificate.

The point is it's different.

- Aw. This feels different. - See?

You know what?

Maybe you guys are right.

Maybe it is different.

Maybe everything is different.

Hold on.

Nope.

Aw. You crack me up, Dad.

We can keep it Adam.

- Poppy? - Adam.

- Pop Pop? - Stop stop.

Listen, I'm down a couple of waitresses tonight,

any chance you can help me out?

Mmm... It's my one night off

and I'm behind on my reading for law school.

What if I put Pop Pop back on the table?

Wow.

Toying with the emotions of someone

who always wanted a father.

Well played.

But I'm not tipping out the bartender.

I'm the bartender.

Then you can break it to him.

Look at us... Squabbling, but with love.

We really are a family.

Thanks to this piece of paper.

That's the cable bill.

What is it about symbolism you don't get?

And it's past due.

Well, now you're just annoying me.

It was the world's most wonderful honeymoon.

I wore no clothes for five days.

I mean, I've done that before, but not sober.

And not in private.

Look, we've all seen it. Let's get over it.

I've seen it, but I can't get over it.

What led up to this transformation?

Sorry, Marge, what happens at Sandals Orlando

stays at Sandals Orlando.

If only.

I, for one, am gobsmacked.

I used that right, right?

Gordon Ramsay says it when he finds out

the restaurant serves frozen lasagna.

Anyway, we had a dock in front of our cabin,

and every morning I'd get out of bed...

How do you wash it?

I don't.

You know, I want to say I'm nonplussed,

but I might be plussed, and I don't want to get it wrong.

And you have arrived safely at your destination.

Thank you, Officer.

You know what we call this, ladies?

A police escort.

Do you know what we call this?

Forced laughter.

I know at some point I've arrested you.

Well, you could probably say that to anyone at this table.

Have a great day at work.

Okay. You have a great day at, uh... this.

See you tonight.

He's taking me to his cop gym. He likes to show me off.

Like a piece of meat?

USDA Prime.

Anyway, you're just in time to hear my exciting story

- about my honey... - Oh, my God,

what the hell happened to you?

Orlando.

Hey, honey. Honey, honey!

Yes, sir? "Honey", or,

like I've told you three times, Christy, at your service.

Yeah, did these wings actually come from Buffalo?

'Cause they're ice-cold.

Let me take care of that for you, sir.

Even though you've already eaten four of them, you ass-hat.

What's wrong?

You see the one who makes the other ones look smart?

Oh, Marv? Yeah, he's a tool.

He's been a dick to me all night.

He says the hot wings aren't hot.

- After he ate four? - I know, right?

- Tool. - Tool.

Need another plate of wings, and make 'em hot!

Make 'em hot?!

Everything in here is hot! I'm melting!

You're giving him new ones?

I was just gonna run a sponge over these

and nuke 'em in the microwave.

I'm sorry he's giving you a rough time,

but those guys are my Tuesday night.

They pile in here and drink their weight in booze.

Without them, I might as well not open.

Your call. But I can dump a beer in his lap

and totally make it look like an accident.

Yeah, I'm that good.

Ding, fries are up.

What's in your hair?

Hmm, I'm not sure.

But it's got a kick.

Tammy, we talked about this.

You're supposed to be wearing a hairnet.

I am nonplussed, Adam.

Completely nonplussed.

Your hot wings will be right out.

Would you like another round of beer?

Do we look like guys that stop after one pitcher?

Coming right up.

How about that? Dumb blonde's a real thing.

- Excuse me? - Sorry about Marv.

His wife just left him.

I think the phrase is "tunneled out."

Oh, what's that supposed to mean?

I am implying that any poor woman who is stuck with you

would be willing to literally dig her way out of that life.

- I'm picturing with a spoon. - Hey, you would be

begging to dig out of my basement, baby.

Yes. I would be.

Christy.

Christy, come here. Come here.

What the hell was that?

I know! Huge tool, right?

I'm talking about you.

Me?

Go apologize and tell him the next round is on the house.

You cannot be serious.

I'm running a business.

And you should support your employees.

Ding, wings up!

Just go and apologize.

You want to apologize? Do it yourself!

Ding, wings getting cold.

Hairnet.

I will consider a hairnet if you get me a real bell.

I'm tired of doing my own ding.

Get the wings and go.

Oh, I'm going.

You can't leave.

Watch me.

Tammy, I need you to wait tables.

Seriously? I finally

got all of it crammed into this thing.

Now.

Hold up. Let me put my pants on.

Two towels, please?

Uh, I have to sign your guest in. Name?

Her name is "my girlfriend."

Last name "Ba-bam."

It's Jill.

Jill Ba-Bam.

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't touch things that have touched other people.

Ah, 'cause she's a lady.

A super, super hot lady.

He can see that, baby. Dial it back.

16...

17...

and a half.

Oh.

I'm really not supposed to let 'em clang like that,

but I think it tells the whole gym I'm here,

I'm strong, deal with it.

Okay, want to give it a whirl?

I mean, not at this weight, you know,

it took me years to get there.

Oh, that's okay. I'll just stick to my usual stuff.

Ah. Probably safer.

Did you know she could do this?

I didn't know anyone could do this.

Maybe she should be the cop

and you should be the one at home getting a pedicure.

Ba-bam!

I'll kill him. I'll kill him!

Marv or Adam?

Adam. Who's Marv?

The guy!

I don't care about the guy.

I care that my husband threw my daughter

under the proverbial bus for this Marv guy.

Maybe I do care about Marv a little bit.

Thank you.

Oh, it's like Adam has, like, totally forgotten about

the existence of... of-of this... This is the, uh,

this is the uh, marriage certificate.

What's it doing in a magazine?

I don't... I-I brought the mail into the bathroom.

Things happen.

I got to say, Mom, it feels really good

knowing that you're on my side.