Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce

Hey, everybody, we're back with America's

favorite girlfriend, Abby McCarthy

of the Girlfriends' Guide book series!

I love 'em, love 'em. Every baby shower,

the mom-to-be always gets one, two, or all of those books.

Thank you. Yes.

And you know what's really great?

They're not bossy.

- It's more about your own family. - Right.

Real advice from a real mom.

You know, this new book,

when our kids were finally both in school, my husband

and I looked at each other and went, "who are you?"

It was a real adjustment for us,

and I just hope that people who are going through the same thing

get something out of this book.

Wait a minute, how is Jake? Are things going well there?

Well, I mean, you know,

like I say in the book, happiness is a moving target,

- but Jake and I are... - Buddy, how's it going?

We're just connecting in a whole new way.

You smell like sex.

Screw you.

Mommy!

Good morning, Bun-bun. Oh.

Give me an eskimo.

Mm, I love that.

Daddy, I'm a special person at school this week.

You're a special person every week, kiddo.

Oh, hi, Lils.

Morning. What's happening?

Well, volleyball finals are all weekend,

so I'm missing Jade's birthday party.

Door closed, please.

Yeah, no one needs to see that before coffee, dad.

It's a sleepover at the London.

Her mom's got the penthouse suite.

Hey, give that to Charlie.

After volleyball, can't you drive me?

The London hotel. That just seems crazy.

Here you go, sweetie.

- Mom? - Yeah?

Is it weird that I like the smell

of my own farts?

- Yes. - No.

Gross, Charlie.

- Daddy? - Mm-hmm.

You're gonna help me with my special person board, right?

- Yeah, of course. - I'm on it, Bun-bun.

_

Lilly, I thought Jade was the one

who was writing all those mean texts about you.

She was going through some stuff.

She just found out she's adopted.

You know what? You're a teenager,

- and there are gonna be plenty of awesome hotels - _

- and awesome parties... - So I can't go?

- In your future. - Dad.

Up to your mom, she who must be obeyed.

- Well? - I will think about it, Lil.

Now haul ass. We're leaving.

Backpack, Charlie.

Backpack, Charlie.

Love you.

Bye.

Love you, Lilly.

Okay, Charlie and Lilly are in.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Keep smiling, okay?

Yes, I will.

Coffee, mama?

I am seriously still drunk

on last night's cava. Have you been...

People are giving me, like, a face, like, a sympathy face.

- They are? Really? - Yes.

Where are my children?

I didn't see them.

Anouk? Anouk, Luco!

- Mrs. Wills. - What?

They were outside trying to cross the street again.

- Oh, my... - You crazies.

I told you to stay with mama.

Sorry.

Thank you so much.

I'm horrible. Go to class now.

If you see Charlie, just tell him I have his shoe.

Do you think people know?

What? About you and Jake splitting?

- Sorry. - God.

- I gotta find Charlie. - Okay.

I will see you...

- Later. - Yes.

Ugh, come on.

Did you tell anyone at school about me and Jake?

Of course not. I'm a lawyer.

- You're not my lawyer. - Not yet.

Just let me know when you're ready to ditch your moron.

Well, people know. I can tell.

Eric Frank eye-banged me at drop-off.

He's like a divorce-seeking missile.

Yeah, well, he finger-banged Marjorie Davis,

- so count yourself lucky. - Oh, my God.

Did you see Dan this morning?

Did he look hungover to you?

I... we were late.

He was out until 3:00 in the morning last night,

left the kids with a sitter.

Lyla, you cannot have people followed.

He leaves the kids with a sitter on his night.

He can't do that perverted shit during the day?

He's got no job.

All this anger, you need to let it go.

You need to cry, be sad.

You know what makes me cry?

What a spectacular piece of shit he is.

50 grand a month I give that man,

and now he's after my pension.

All I need to do... hello... is prove him unfit.

Then I get the kids, and he can't live

off the child support.

- He's entitled to half. - No.

If he were a woman, you would say the same thing.

If he were a woman, I'd understand

why he's got no balls, but failing that...

Keep walking, keep walking, keep walking...

Hey, Abby! Over here.

- Hi, good morning. - Hi.

- It's Layla, right? - Lyla.

Hey, woman, where have you been hiding yourself?

- Sit. Let's catch up. - We can't.

We're actually meeting Phoebe inside...

- Yes. - For coffee.

- There she is. - Hi.

- I'm gonna go get us a table. - Great.

Hello, you beautiful bitches.

- Mm. - I will see you inside.

So, hey, I saw Jake at drop-off yesterday.

Are you guys cleansing?

You look so thin.

- I think she's ordering for us. - Is she?

- I'm so sorry. - It could get cold.

- We'll see you guys later. - Bye.

- Bye. - Nice seeing you.

Well, those moms know.

- Trying to break me. I'm just... - They are not.

They are obsessed with Phoebe and cleansing.

No, the cleanse is the divorce diet.

- Hey! Hey! - No, it's just a cleanse

- sometimes. - Max, oh, my God.

I called you, like, six times,

and mom hasn't heard from you either.

- I know, I'm sorry. - Thank you so much.

- You're welcome. - Lyla, did you say hi to Max?

Hi, Max.

- Hi. - Um...

So are you, like, friends with those two now or...

You know what?

Um, I'm gonna call you back, I promise, and I love you.

Your brother's super foxy.

Her brother, super foxy?

- Are you in a tab commercial? - No.

I have got to stop avoiding him.

He's really getting suspicious.

Why haven't you told him yet? You're very close.

- Just tell him. - We are.

It's just that he is incredibly traditional about some things.

Yeah, but you can't keep this a secret forever.

Jake hasn't been living at home for weeks.

Yeah, but we've been very careful.

He's always home before the kids get up.

- But nobody sees you together. - Yeah.

And suddenly you're hanging around with us.

The whores with the Scarlet D on their chests.

I wouldn't characterize it like that.

No, I would.

I actually thought that about yours.

I think it's time.

You got to tell your kids you're separated.

Keeping this a secret...

Betsy Brown Braun says it's better not to.

She says separation's so vague, and...

Who's Betsy Brown Braun Braun?

Betsy Brown Braun.

Fantastic specializing...

- Amazing. - In divorce and children.

- I have her on speed dial. - Great to know.

But maybe I won't even have to tell the kids at all,

because if Jake moves back in,

then we all go back to normal,

and the kids will never have to even know he was gone.

But he's been promiscuous and, uh, not discreet.

I know he's been dating,

and he has been rubbing my nose in it,

but he's allowed because we are on a break.

We are taking a time-out to explore what we want.

What he wants is a sports car

and club snatch.

Abby,

Ralf saw him at the Château with the CW actress.

They were getting a room.