Man with a Plan

Thanks for cooking, Ma.

I haven't had a real home-cooked meal in...

one day.

God, you're pretty.

Oh, you're lucky you're pretty, too.

Oh, I've missed nights like this.

Everybody I love under the same roof.

Well, my wife couldn't make it, so not everyone.

I knew what I was saying.

You guys got to come see what the girls did to Grandpa.

It's awesome.

I bet it's not as awesome as your mother's coffee.

I made that.

It's bitter. I don't...

We turned him into a princess.

He's all over my Instagram now.

You're about to break the Internet.

Good. I hate the Internet.

Princess Cranky, the grumpiest princess in all the land.

You're such a pushover when it comes to these kids, Joe.

Well, I can't say no to these sweet faces.

Ah, well, when you live with them,

that wears off pretty quick.

Okay, guys, up to bed.

- Good night, Grandpa. - Good night, Grandpa.

- Good night. - Night. Night.

- Love you. - Night. Oh.

Ooh, this damn shoulder's barking at me again.

You got a couple of pain pills?

Did you check your purse?

Relax, Princess. I'll get you some from the kitchen.

I worry about your dad.

He's been taking way too many pills lately.

Well, if they're mood enhancers, they've met their match.

What does his doctor say about all this?

Oh, he hasn't been to the doctor since...

Well, it was the morning after Obama first won.

His blood pressure shot through the roof.

Ma, that's almost ten years ago.

You got to get him to go.

I've tried, but he is so stuck in his ways.

About everything.

Bought him a cordless phone.

He still stands right next to the base.

Makes me furious.

Well, somebody should talk to him.

Any volunteers?

Fine, I'll do it.

- Oh, thank you, honey. - Mm-hmm.

No, no, no. No.

Let's go upstairs and pretend like we don't know

what's happening. Come on.

I learn something new from you every day.

Dad, you got to go to the doctor.

If you don't get a check-up,

how will you know if something's wrong with you?

I'd rather not know.

Smile, smile, smile, dead.

That's how I want to punch my ticket.

Okay.

Okay, when did you ever smile?

He smiles at me all the time.

Yeah, see? Why can't you be more like your brother?

He's always on my side, right, Donny?

Ah, you got it, Pops.

He's not on your side, he's just a big yes man.

Everybody's a yes man when you're always right.

All right, all right, so let me get this straight.

You two jokers have decided you don't need doctors.

I got through the Vietnam War on aspirin and Bengay.

That's not true.

You weren't there.

You weren't there!

Adam, let me talk to you for a minute in the kitchen.

Come on.

What?

I just brought you in here so Dad could leave.

What?

Dad!

Thanks for letting me borrow your car.

All right, Mom and Dad'll be here any minute.

Dad's been avoiding me all week about

going to the doctor, but I know

he can't resist brunch.

That man would walk into a hail of bullets for a plate of bacon.

Yeah. I turned the exhaust fan on high

so the smell wafts outside.

He's gonna float in here like a cartoon bear.

You guys might get along better if you stop nagging the old man.

Hey, I'd much rather be the fun son, like you,

but someone has to step up and deal with things.

And that kind of attitude is why he doesn't invite you

to go mall walking with us.

You guys go mall walking together?

Yeah. We got matching sweat suits. It's adorable.

I'd mall walk if someone asked me.

Three guys in matching sweat suits?

That's a boy band, Adam.

Honey, I'll go mall walking with you.

Not you.

- Hey. - Morning.

Hey, Ma.

Where's Dad?

He won't come. He doesn't want

to hear it about the doctor.

But Lowell was nice enough

to give me a ride.

He told me if I ever needed anything,

I should call him.

I didn't think she'd really call.

Oh, she calls.

Oh. I love him.

It's like having a house boy.

Lowell, you do not want to start driving her around.

All right? She's got a million places to go,

and they all suck.

I can't tell her no; she's too nice.

Listen, when I first married Adam,

I got roped into driving her everywhere.

And the only way I got out of it

was by going into labor with Kate

in the middle of a yarn shop.

And before Andi, I used to drive her.

That's when I learned a little trick called

"pretending to fall asleep."

I got it from watching the possums

on The Animal Channel.

Who wouldn't mind driving me

to the outlets on Saturday?

I can't believe Dad wouldn't come.

He is so stubborn.

Oh, the both of you are stubborn.

Hey, don't say I'm like Dad.

You know I hate that.

I wasn't going to.

I was just going to look at Andi knowingly.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, so nobody's gonna do anything?

- Mm-mm. - Mm-mm.

Fine.

I'll go over there and talk to Dad...

who I'm nothing like...

and be the bad guy like I always am.

Bacon's not my only weapon.

I got one more way to turn up the heat.

Good luck. He already keeps the heat on 82.

You should see how I sweat through my nightgown.

Ma, no.

Dad, I know you're home. I heard you yelling at the news.

Hey. Would you stop banging on my house?

I'm trying to get my dad to come out here.

Wait, you're the landlord. Can you unlock his door for me?

Nah, I like him more than you.

You like him?

He calls you Mrs. Chiquita Banana.

Yeah, and I call him Colonel Sanders.

We have a thing, we're fun.

What's with all the yapping, Charo?

Dad, just get in the car.

I don't have to do what you say.

Fine, I can stand out here all day.

Eh, not on my front porch, you can't.

All right, you old drumstick,

- get your Kentucky Fried butt in the car. - Okay.

Okay, settle down. I'm going.

You want to learn how to be a man?

Watch her.

Wow.

He got us both in one shot. He's good.

Mm.

Grandpa, please go to the doctor.

Yeah, Grandpa.

If you're gone, who's gonna ask me

to pull their finger every morning?

Grandma?

No, that's a grandpa's job.

He's teetering.

Yep. And now the little one for the win.

Please go to the doctor, Grandpa.

I love you so much.

Oh, kids, I can't say no to you.

So why don't you leave the room so I can say no to your dad.

Come on!

Everybody in this room

goes to the doctor once a year.

Okay, it's what normal humans do.

What is your problem?

Look, I had this friend, Barney, from the VFW.

His wife was named Libby.

I always found that strange.

Libby. What's that short for?

Elibabeth?

Can I talk here?

Anyway, it had been a while,

and Barney went in 'cause he had a cough.

When he came out of that doctor's office,

his cough was gone.

Because he was dead.

Poor Elibabeth.

Now she's a wibow.