Man with a Plan

Ugh, Don, you have got to get over this.

I'm not buying you a Cinnabon

every time we go see our accountant.

It's right downstairs.

I could smell it the whole meeting.

Now I'm just

sitting here eating an orange, like a hippie.

Hey, babe.

- Hi, Don. Hi. - Oh, hey, honey.

- I've got some good news for you. - Yeah?

You know that, uh, fundraiser at my hospital

that we're going to this weekend?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That party.

Ooh.

Where'd that cough come from?

Whoa. I hope it's not contagious,

'cause I really am looking forward to putting on a suit

and talking to a bunch of strangers.

That does sound like a pretty bad fake cough.

Should I call a fake ambulance

and have some fake doctors take a look at you?

You think I would fake being sick to get out

of going to your fundraiser?

I am so offended. I...

I don't think I can go to the fundraiser anymore.

You're cute. Are you done?

- Yeah, I'm done. - Okay.

The good news I was gonna tell you is you don't have to go.

Really?

Okay,

when you say I don't have to go,

do you mean I really don't have to go

or I don't have to go

but I should go,

unless I want to hear about this a month later

in some completely unrelated argument?

You know what? I'm going.

No, you really don't have to go. Marcy said she'd go with me.

Don't take my wife.

You should make Adam go.

What are you doing?

I'll tell you what I'm not doing:

eating a Cinnabon.

My God, every week with this guy.

Why don't you just go get one yourself?

He says it tastes better when I buy it.

Okay, but, seriously, babe, you are off the hook for the party.

Marcy will keep me company. And, plus, all my work friends

from the lab will be there. You know, Amy, Sarah, and Bob.

Oh. That sounds great. Uh, who was that last one?

I didn't catch her name.

Bob. He's a he.

We watch the same cooking shows.

Oh, and if I get behind on an episode,

he puts me in coffee jail.

And that means I can't have any coffee

until I catch up.

- Ooh. - Yeah.

Everyone at work thinks it's hilarious.

He sounds like a great guy.

Huh. Wow.

You have come a long way.

You know, there was a time that you would've been very jealous

that I had a male work friend.

Oh. No. Not anymore.

No, I left my jealous days behind

with my jean shorts and my mullet.

I am a modern man now.

Yep. That's right.

Don, you want to help me carry this out to my truck?

I don't know if you noticed,

but it doesn't really take two guys to carry this.

I don't like this Bob guy one bit.

First of all, his name's Bob.

It's the same backwards as it is forwards.

Y-You can't trust somebody like that.

You mean like Mom?

Exactly.

Who cares if some guy likes Andi's TV shows?

I do. 'Cause it's a move, man.

I used the same one on Andi when we were dating.

"You love Ally McBeal?

"I love Ally McBeal.

Let's take off our pants!"

I think if I tried that move on Marcy,

I'd just end up washing her pants.

Here's the problem,

Andi was home with the kids for a long time.

Now she's back at work. I mean,

you put that honey out there, bears are gonna show up.

I got an idea... just don't be jealous.

I can't help it. Yes, I am sophisticated

on the outside, okay?

But on the inside, I'm an animal, just like you.

- We're a couple of wild stallions. - Mm.

Okay, then be jealous

and just tell Andi you don't want her hanging out with that guy.

I can't do that either.

She hates when I get jealous.

Remember when we were dating and that guy in the bar

put his arm around her?

Yeah. You put him in the trash can.

Upside-down.

I'd seen that in cartoons but never real life.

I actually got the idea from a cartoon.

But she was so mad, she broke up with me.

So when we got back together,

I promised I was done being jealous.

I'm not done. I'm livin' a lie, Don.

Hey, honey, um, how do you feel

about a kale salad for dinner?

You know I love kale.

Huh? I am a modern man

who loves his kale.

Okay.

Now I got to choke down another bowl of rabbit food.

- What happened to you, man? - Look,

do me a favor, if you see me getting jealous,

you got to do something to stop me.

- Can I get physical? - Yes. Usual rules:

above the waist and... I can't believe I have to say this...

no biting.

A brother waits a lifetime for something like this.

Okay. Good. Yeah.

Thanks for meeting me, Marcy.

I love visiting you at the hospital.

We haven't had lunch since you went back to work.

In the future, is it okay if I bring wine?

Well, you can't bring a bottle. But if you bring a thermos,

- whatever's in it's your business. - Oh.

So it's church rules.

Sure.

Hey, um, I wanted to run something by you.

- Hmm. - Um,

yesterday, I told Adam that I had a guy friend at work,

Bob, and he seemed fine with it.

What a jerk!

I know!

I mean, at first, I was... I was proud of him,

but then I started thinking, why is he so fine with it?

No, no. This is totally unacceptable.

You deserve a little jealousy, okay?

If I was your husband, Bob would be in a suitcase

at the bottom of a river.

Aw. That's sweet, Marcy.

I don't know. Maybe it's normal.

I mean, Adam and I have been married for 15 years.

And the other night, we... we made, um,

you know, a date to fool around, and we both fell asleep.

- Oh. - Yeah. That's the first time

that's ever happened.

It wasn't during, was it? 'Cause if Don mistimes

his blood pressure pill, I'm not crawling out

from under that until the morning.

No, it wasn't quite like that.

I don't know.

Maybe I should just talk to Adam about it.

And, what, get pity jealousy?

Is that what you want?

- Oh, you know what, I want the real thing. - Well, if you want

to mess with a man's head, you are having lunch

with the right person.

Okay, here's what you do:

you tell him that Bob is texting you.

That'll wake Adam up.

But Bob's my boss. He doesn't text me.

You know who doesn't know that? Adam.

Hey, Adam, I just got

the funniest text from Bob.

Damn.

Your texts are too much, Bob.

Aw, come on.

Hey, uh, careful you don't shock yourself,

there's a bare spot on that cord.

I touched it.

I was gonna fix it,

but I knew you were gonna do that.

Hold on, my heart stopped beating.

There it goes. Okay, we're back.

Yeah, hey, you didn't tell Marcy

what we talked about, did you?

About Andi and that guy at work?

Oh, don't tell me it's a secret.

I cannot keep a secret from Marcy.

She senses it,

like an old sailor senses a storm.

But you lie to her all the time.

And she catches me all the time.

Well, that's not true.

She still doesn't know about

our secret fishing boat up at the lake.

Both our wives are in the dark on that one.

Well, I was only able to keep that a secret

because I never paid for my half of the boat.

Not my boat, not my secret.

See how I did that?

Hmm, yeah, someone should study your brain.

Okay, just keep your mouth shut.

- Hey, babe, - Huh?

dinner's gonna be ready soon.