Two and a Half Men

* Men.

So you're not paying any rent at all?

Walden doesn't want my money, we're friends.

Wow. I can't wait till I grow up and find a friend

of my own to live off of.

That's my dream for you.

Mail's here.

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Hey!

Uh, Walden, are you feeling okay?

Yeah, fine. Why?

Your junk's all over the couch, dude.

Yeah, so?

It's my house, my couch, my junk.

Fair point.

Remember, we're guests.

I thought we were friends.

What is this?

Package for "Alan Smith" from "Penis Pump Industries."

Nobody here by that name.

I'll just... I'll take this back to the post office.

Oh boy, perfect.

What?

It's my divorce papers from Bridget.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, man.

I remember getting my divorce papers.

That was a sad, sad day.

Remember, Jake?

I wasn't with you, I was with Mom.

She had a party on a boat.

You gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I guess I knew it was coming.

Well, that's a very healthy attitude.

Of course, I was hoping she'd change her mind.

But if I had hope in one hand and poop in the other,

guess which hand would be full?

The poop hand?

Bingo.

Yes.

Well, my marriage is over.

Big deal.

It's only the final death knell

of the most meaningful relationship of my life.

Bong.

That was a knell.

But you're young.

I'm sure you'll find someone else eventually.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, sure.

It's easy to find a soul mate.

Heck, you practically trip over them everywhere you turn.

Oh, look, a soul mate!

Oh, jeepers, there's another soul mate!

Everywhere I look it's another soul mate.

No, it's a great day.

It's just another fabulous day in the life of Walden Schmidt.

Yah!

Dad?

Yeah?

Please tell me I'm not done growing.

Knock yourself out.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Walden? Yeah?

What you doing?

If I'm going to forget Bridget and start a new life,

I got to get rid of the old one.

Uh-huh. So, uh, so this is all...

Wedding photos and love letters.

Right, right.

Oh, this is from our second date.

"I am bananas over you."

Isn't that adorable?

Burn in Hell, little monkey.

This-- wedding video.

Honeymoon video.

Oh, maybe I'll keep that one.

Listen, I understand that you're very upset right now,

but there may come a time

when you'll regret not having some of this stuff.

You still have your wedding photos?

Well, the half that she gave me.

And by half, I mean half of each picture.

Yeah, well, I don't want any mementos.

In fact, I don't even want to think about Bridget anymore.

I am wiping the hard drive.

Okay. I'm rebooting the system.

Whatever makes you happy. And to really get a clean start,

I'm going to sell this place and move to New York.

With the possible exception of that.

Why?

What do you mean why?

If you sell the place, I wouldn't be able to live...

...with myself.

If I didn't encourage you to reconsider,

and maybe talk to a professional.

Like a shrink?

This could all be a sign of clinical depression.

I guess you would know.

If you're interested, I could recommend a good psychiatrist.

The one that my brother used to go to.

Uh, your brother ended up dead.

Well, yeah, that's 'cause a crazy woman

pushed him in front of a train.

You can't blame his shrink for that.

If anything, blame the crazy woman's shrink.

I guess I got nothing to lose, huh?

I'm in.

Okay. Well, I'll go get her number.

Geez, being a parasitic leech is exhausting.

* Men.

I'm sure you're aware that depression is often the result

of repressed anger.

I'm not angry.

Well, I got to tell you, Walden,

burning all the mementos and photographs from your marriage

can be construed as an angry gesture.

That's not an angry gesture. This is an angry gesture.

Arr!

That's a good one, too.

Why don't we put your marriage on the back burner for now.

Let's talk about your childhood.

I had a very happy childhood.

Filled with wonderful memories.

Your parents still together?

No, and I don't want to talk about it.

All right, fine.

My first childhood memory

was my father disappearing when I was three.

He abandoned you and your mother?

No, he disappeared.

He was an amateur magician and it was his signature trick.

Oh.

And then when I was four,

he ran off with a lady sword swallower.

At least that's what my mother called her.

In retrospect, it might have been a euphemism.

So what was your mother like?

Well, after Dad left, she raised me by herself.

And how was that?

It was great.

She did everything for me.

And I always felt safe with her.

That sounds wonderful.

It was.

And the saddest day of my life was when it ended.

Why, what happened?

I got married.

Hello.

How did your wife and your mother get along?

Not very well. I don't know why, though.

Maybe it was just 'cause they were so different.

I see.

Tell me more about your wife.

Bridget?

She's great.

She did everything for me.

And I always felt very safe with her.

Oh, isn't that what I said about my mother?

Oh, Walden, you went and beat me to it.

I wonder if when we get right down to it,

I married my mother.

And we're off.

What are we saying here?

That Bridget's right and I am emotionally immature?

And all those years

I was treating her more like a mother than a wife?

And how would that make you feel if that were true?

That would make me feel very angry.

And repressed anger is sometimes the cause of...

Depression.

Ta-da.

Ta-da.

That's the last thing my dad said before he disappeared.

Is that it? Am I cured?

Well, "cured" is one of those laymen's terms

that we psychiatrists try to avoid.

It hurts repeat business.

Do I need to come back?

I'm thinking three times a week.

Well, I was going to leave town.

Well, then you have a choice to make.

You can stay here and make your problems go away,

or you can go away with your problems.

Well, that is going in my book.

Okay, I need to know one more thing.

When I was having sex with my wife,

was I really having sex with my mother?

I'm thinking double sessions.

Monday, Wednesday, Thursday?

What... You... Um, you don't work on Fridays?

Not anymore.

I'll see you next week.