30 Rock

Hey, liz, my daughter's selling valentine cookies

For a school fundraiser.

Valentine's day is a sham

Created by card companies to reinforce and exploit

Gender stereotypes.

Evelyn, this is the lady I was telling you about.

I like valentine's day. Tommy reticker gave me a card.

Ha. Learn from my sexual misadventures, evelyn.

Last valentine's day,

I watched my boyfriend drew's

Mother/grandmother die.

I met floyd on valentine's day,

But he left me for the ty of cleveland.

And forget about dennis!

That pervert would always just try to get me drunk--

All right, so zero cookies.

No, I'll buy some cookies.

But not for valentine's day.

Instead, these cookies celebrate

The February 14th birthday

Of anna howard shaw, famed american suffragette.

Happy anna howard shaw day to you, evelyn.

Come on.

A happy anna howard shaw day to us all!

Lemon, which one of these ties do you find more attractive?

- The red, definitely. - Thank you.

I've got to look camera ready tonight.

I'm being interviewed on cnbc.

Have you ever watched

The hot box with avery jessup?

No, cnbc gives me a headache.

I get all my money advice from pbs.

Where should I put my money:

In tech stocks or the housing market?

Tech stocks, foxy moneybags, tech stocks!

Sir, your reservations are all set for valentine's day.

And just to be clear, are you and I exchanging--

No.

Why do you have valentine's plans?

What about nancy?

Nancy knows that I'm here when she's ready.

But after what we went through, our marriage,

The way that it ended between us,

It was, uh, very intense.

Like when you think there's one more stair,

But there isn't.

And all of the sudden, you're, like, "whoa!"

Exactly.

So for now, I just want something fun and easy.

Frankly, I could use a win. - A win?

What's with the euphemisms, jack?

Why don't you just say you want some...

- Is that sex, lemon? - Is the way I do it.

So who's the lucky lady? - I'm not sure yet.

I have three dates set up across the city,

And I hope one of them works out.

How are you gonna handle three different dates?

Well, I have a system for first dates.

At the appointed time, jonathan calls me

And tells me that I have a conference call

With the geneva office.

If I don't like the woman, I have an excuse to leave.

If I do like her, I loudly tell jonathan

That I'm doing something more important.

The woman is suitably impressed.

And I'm guaranteed to see some underwear.

Perhaps a, uh, bra with a front clasp.

What?

What are your plans for valentine's day, lemon?

I am taking myself out of the equation entirely.

I scheduled a root canal for February 14th, jack.

I will spend half the day in twilight sleep.

Then I will go home and watch the lifetime original movie

My stepson is my cyber-husband.

Wow. That is inspired.

You are truly the picasso of loneliness.

Or I am that painting elephant of being awesome.

Oh, kenneth, have any packages come for me today?

No, miss maroney.

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

Valentine's day is always a huge deal

For maynard roger hoynes.

That's my stalker.

You have a stalker?

It's a real problem in the celebrity community.

But if beyonce simply answered one of my letters,

I'd stop trying to break into her house.

So if you haven't heard from him,

Isn't that a good thing?

Kenneth, the celebrit y- stalker relationship

Is very special.

Maynard's debilitating devotion

Validates how wonderful I am.

But what does it say about me if he's moved on?

Maybe to one of my peers like julia roberts.

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation,

Miss maroney.

Hey.

Has anybody heard about any cool new sex positions?

My girlfriend's visiting for valentine's

And I want to keep things caliente.

Oh, my god, lutz.

Are you still pretending karen exists?

She's real.

Would a fake woman have a personal web site

Oh, good grief.

My cousin set me up on a blind date for valentine's,

And I just found out the girl is...Well...

Urban.

Are you saying she's black?

I don't know how to get out of this.

Dude, come out with me.

You know that load with the messed-up teeth

Who cleans the urinals?

She'll only go out with me

If she can bring her ugly sister.

Wow, I can't believe you guys

Are letting valentine's day win.

Not me. One word. Oral.

Two words. Oral surgery.

I'm having oral surgery and skipping valentine's day.

Doctor's orders.

Oh, that reminds me, dr. Kaplan's office called.

They want to know who's picking you up

After your procedure.

- What? - Yeah. It's an insurance thing.

Any time they have anesthesia,

Someone needs to bring you home.

Hey, that stuff messes you up.

When I had my wisdom teeth out,

I tried to get in the bath with my mom.

Okay, is there any chance that you could take me home?

Sorry.

Every year, paula and I rent this big suite up at niagara.

And then she takes the kids there

And I stay home and get wasted in my garage.

It's what keeps the magic alive.

Welcome back.

I'm here with sheinhard t- universal vice president

Jack donaghy.

Thanks for sitting in the hot box, jack.

My pleasure, avery.

Also joining me, walter stein,

Whose bow tie tells us he works for some liberal think tank.

And the food in his beard tells us

That he purchased a snack pack

On the train from new haven.

Ooh, that's got to hurt, walter.

Let's get to the countdown. First topic.

Prime minister wen wants a weak yuan. Do we?

China needs to transition to a spending economy.

After dubai, what's the next credit crisis?

The baltics or women's tennis.

Do we need a second bailout?

- Absolutely...Not. - I love it.

Try to get in there, beta dog.

- I am trying. - On three.

Who will be thnext president of these United States?

Three.

Mitt romney's oldest son jezba.

- Dennis kucinich. - Okay, that's sad, walter.

Just sad. Jack, back to you.

Who's number one on your speed dial?

Blackberry, warren buffett. Iphone, jimmy buffett.

- Favorite movie. - Tie.

The fountainhead or uncle buck.

i>- My wife and I just saw the yellow handkerchief.

Just sit a couple out/ stein. God.

All right, karaoke. Go to jack. Hit me.

- Nitty gritty dirt band. - Oh, I rock the brothers.

Hey, let's grab a drink after this.

You read my mind.

We'll be right back after this ad

Aimed at the elderly.

One second.

Hey, tray,

I really need a ride home from the doctors

On valentine's day.

- Can't do it, li -lem.

On valentine's day,

Angie and I rent a room with a heart-shaped hot tub

And cook chili in it.

Then we take it to a soup kitchen

And that's where it starts to get sexy.

Hey, jenna, please tell me

You haven't already concocted

Your usual valentine's day drama.

Can't talk, liz.

I just got my stalker's work address from his parole officer.

And I'm gonna confront him about why he's ignoring me.

Hey, kenneth. Are you free on valentine's?

No, miss lemon. I'm sorry.

I will be attending an al l-day abstinence rally.

You're welcome to come.

I think I've got an extra

Gender-neutralizing hood.

- No. Thanks. God. - Hey, liz!

- Hey. - The answer's no.

Hello, maynard.

Jenna, you shouldn't have come here.