Parks and Recreation

- LESLIE, CAN I RUN SOMETHING BY YOU REALLY QUICK?

- SURE. I LOVE HAVING THINGS RUN BY ME.

- I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE BEING SARCASTIC RIGHT NOW.

- NO, NO. I'M NOT. I GENUINELY LOVE IT.

RUN IT BY ME. GO AHEAD. GO GO GO.

- OKAY, SO I'VE BEEN A LITTLE WORRIED

THAT ANN MAYBE THINKS THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP

ISN'T MOVING FORWARD FAST ENOUGH.

AND SO I'M WONDERING IF MAYBE I SHOULD ASK HER

IF SHE WOULD LIKE TO MOVE IN WITH ME.

GOOD IDEA? BAD IDEA? YOU TELL ME.

- WELL, I WOULD SAY THAT SOME WOMEN

WON'T CONSIDER MOVING IN WITH SOMEONE

UNLESS THEY THINK MARRIAGE IS IN THE FUTURE,

WHICH I KNOW FOR YOU IS-- - I INTEND TO MARRY HER.

FOR REALSKIES?

I'M NOT REALLY QUITE SURE HOW I FEEL.

UM, I--IT-- IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD.

I MEAN, I'M HAPPY FOR THEM. THEY'RE MY FRIENDS.

IT MAKES ME A LITTLE NAUSEOUS.

IF I COULD JUST SUM IT UP IN ONE WORD, IT WOULD BE, UM...

OHHHHHHHHHHHH.

*

PARKS AND REC.

CONFIRMING WHAT?

THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

OH, NO.

HEY. GOOD MORNING.

- WHY ARE THERE SIX PEOPLE OUTSIDE WHO SAY

THEY'RE WAITING TO MEET WITH ME?

- SO YOU KNOW HOW YOU LOVE ME BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T HAD

A SINGLE MEETING WITH ANYONE SINCE I BECAME YOUR ASSISTANT?

THAT'S BECAUSE EVERY TIME SOMEONE CALLS

AND REQUESTS A MEETING WITH YOU,

I ALWAYS SCHEDULE IT FOR MARCH 31ST.

WHY?

- BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK MARCH 31ST EXISTED.

* 30 DAYS HAS SEPTEMBER, APRIL, MARCH, AND NOVEMBER *

JUNE AND NOVEMBER.

TODAY IS MARCH 31ST.

I KNOW.

- SO THEN HOW MANY MEETINGS DO I HAVE TODAY?

- 93. - OKAY.

OKAY. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

RIGHT.

- TO ME, THIS SITUATION IS A BLOOD-SOAKED,

NIGHTMARISH HELLSCAPE.

HOWEVER, TO LESLIE KNOPE... - OH, HOW FUN.

YAY.

- WHY DON'T YOU TAKE AS MANY AS YOU CAN

AND I'LL COVER THE REST?

I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.

WHY DON'T I TRY TO RUSTLE UP SEVEN MORE MEETINGS

'CAUSE I THINK IT WOULD BE COOLER

IF THERE WERE AN EVEN 100.

- JUST--WHY DON'T WE JUST STICK TO THESE 93

AND SEE HOW IT GOES.

YEAH, OKAY.

THIS IS THE PERFECT DISTRACTION FOR ME.

OKAY, SO I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED, RIGHT?

I HAVE A FRESH CUP OF COFFEE, COMFY, FUR-LINED BOOTS.

- I'M GONNA NEED THOSE BOOTS BACK BY THE END OF THE DAY.

YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY A LITTLE NARROW FOR ME.

LESLIE, HERE'S A GUY.

- HI, I'M LESLIE KNOPE, DEPUTY DIRECTOR.

- BILL HAGGARDY, PAWNEE HISTORICAL SOCIETY.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING WITH RON SWANSON.

- I UNDERSTAND THAT. HE'S TIED UP RIGHT NOW.

WHAT A SHOCKER.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO MEET WITH HIM THREE MONTHS

AND NOW HE'S NOT AVAILABLE.

IT'S PROBABLY TOO LATE NOW,

BUT, UH, SOME RICH WOMAN, JESSICA WICKS,

HAS RENTED OUT TURNBILL MANSION FOR A PARTY

AND SHE'S MAKING ALTERATIONS.

"ALTERATIONS"?

TURNBILL MANSION IS ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED

HISTORICAL SITES IN PAWNEE.

IN 1867, THE PROGRESSIVE REVEREND TURNBILL

OFFICIATED A WEDDING BETWEEN A WHITE WOMAN

AND A WAMAPOKE INDIAN CHIEF.

THE SECRET CEREMONY WAS BEAUTIFUL AND ROMANTIC.

BUT THEN WORD GOT OUT

AND THE RECEPTION WAS A BLOODBATH.

FORTUNATELY, THERE WERE TWO SURVIVORS.

UNFORTUNATELY, THEY WERE BOTH HORSES.

- HOLD UP. FORMER BEAUTY QUEEN JESSICA WICKS?

- YES. - I'M TOM HAVERFORD.

I'M GONNA BE RUNNING POINT ON THIS, BILL.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY TO STOP HER?

- HER HUSBAND IS NICK NEWPORT, SR.

FROM SWEETUMS.

EVERYONE IN THIS TOWN IS AFRAID TO SAY NO TO HIM.

OKAY, EVERYBODY JUST RELAX.

WHAT ALTERATIONS IS SHE TRYING TO MAKE?

- DRILLING HOLES. PAINTING. UH, REMOVING WAINSCOTING.

UH, SHE'S TEARING DOWN THE GAZEBO.

- WHAT? SHE'S WHAT? NO, SHE'S NOT.

OKAY, TOM, GO GET THE CAR.

- OW! - OH, SORRY.

- DON'T THROW THINGS AT ME. - OH, THESE ARE TIGHT.

I'LL DEVISE AN ACTION PLAN

TO HELP US COORDINATE BETTER AMONG THE DEPARTMENTS.

- WILL YOU? GREAT. THANKS FOR COMING IN.

WHO'S NEXT? - TOM, I'LL MEET YOU AT THE CAR.

- WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?

WE HAVE 91 MORE MEETINGS.

I'M SORRY, RON.

AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO GO

FOR THE ALL-TIME, CITY HALL SINGLE DAY MEETINGS RECORD,

THERE IS AN EMERGENCY.

SOMEONE IS TRYING TO ALTER A GAZEBO.

- HEY. - OH, HEY, ANN.

SORRY I CAN'T HANG OUT. I KIND OF HAVE AN EMERGENCY.

- OH, I'M ACTUALLY HERE TO SEE MARK.

- RIGHT. OH, WELL, THANKS FOR THE COFFEE.

- THAT'S ALSO FOR MARK. - MM. I REALLY NEED IT THOUGH.

BUT NEXT TIME MORE SUGAR. OKAY, THANKS. BYE!

- UM, DO YOU WANT ME TO POSTPONE THE REST?

OR I COULD SET MYSELF ON FIRE AND CREATE A DIVERSION.

- NO. I'M GONNA DO ALL OF THESE TODAY.

ROUND UP WHOEVER'S FREE.

I'M GONNA NEED MORE RON SWANSONS.

- LOOK AT THAT. IT'S GORGEOUS.

WHAT KIND OF MONSTER WOULD WANT TO CHANGE THIS?

UGH! PRE-ZIT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY, UH, BROWN CONCEALER BY ANY CHANCE?

I NEED TO LOOK GOOD FOR JESSICA.

- THEY MAY BE RICH, BUT THEY CAN'T JUST DESTROY HISTORY.

LET'S GO. - RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

I JUST NEED TO SPEND A MINUTE ON MY COLOGNE CLOUD.

- WHAT IS THAT? - ATTACK BY DENNIS FEINSTEIN.

WHEN YOU WANT TO ATTACK THE SENSES

OF THE LADY YOU WANT TO BED.

- OH, MY GOD. - DOOR! DOOR! DOOR! DOOR!

CLOSE IT. - UGH.

- SO BASICALLY, WE'RE COMPLETELY SWAMPED.

ALL HANDS ON DECK.

- I DON'T EVEN WORK IN THIS BUILDING.

- DON'T CARE. I NEED ANYONE WITH A PULSE AND A BRAIN

TO PITCH IN.

- RON, DO YOU NEED HELP WITH ANYTHING?

NO. WE'RE GOOD. THANKS.

IN FACT, YOU CAN HEAD HOME EARLY.

RIGHT NOW THE FOUR OF US ARE GOING TO DIVVY UP

ALL THESE MEETINGS.

JUST MAKE 'EM FEEL LIKE THEY'VE BEEN HEARD.

UNDERSTOOD? - YES, SIR.

BERT MACKLIN, FBI, ON THE CASE.

- APRIL, YOU TAKE LESLIE'S OFFICE.

ANDY, YOU'RE IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM.

ANN, TAKE YOUR MEETINGS IN THE COURTYARD.

JUST SIT THERE AND DON'T RUIN THE CITY.

DISMISSED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CAN I GET A BADGE?

- HEY. BROUGHT YOU COFFEE. HELP YOU GET THROUGH THE DAY.

- THANKS, DUDE. - NO PROBLEM, LADY.

I'M GONNA GO. - OKAY.

APRIL IS THE BEST. BUT SHE'S 20.

WHEN APRIL WAS BORN, I WAS ALREADY IN 3RD GRADE.

WHICH MEANS IF WE WERE FRIENDS BACK THEN,

I'D HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH A BABY.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT INFANT CARE.

MY GOD, I COULD'VE KILLED HER.

AH, MR. NEWPORT, SR.

I'VE JUST BEEN INFORMED THAT YOU PLAN

ON ALTERING THIS MANSION.

AND AS A MEMBER OF THE PARKS DEPARTMENT,

AS A PAWNEEAN, AND AN AMERICAN,

I ASK YOU TO REFRAIN

FROM HARMING THIS HISTORIC STRUCTURE.

WHAT?

- I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS, LOVE NUT.

- BISCUIT. - YEAH. HI.

I'M JESSICA WICKS. MISS PAWNEE 1994.

- HELLO. YES, WE'VE MET BEFORE.

WE WERE BOTH JUDGES AT THE PAGEANT LAST YEAR.

- LESLIE KNORP. OF COURSE. HOW ARE YOU?

JESSICA WICKS! HEY, BOO.

ARE YOU AGING IN REVERSE 'CAUSE YOU LOOK BARELY LEGAL?

TOM HAVERFORD.

IF YOU'RE NOT THE MOST CHARMING MAN IN INDIANA.

- AND THIS MUST BE THE LUCKIEST MAN IN INDIANA.

SIR, IT IS AN HONOR TO MEET YOU.

COME HERE, YOU.

- TELL ME STRAIGHT. ARE YOU A CHINESE?

- NO. I'M ONE OF THE INDIAN PEOPLE.

THAT FLOPPY OLD BAG OF MONEY

IS GONNA BE DEAD IN, LIKE, A MONTH.

AND WHO'S GOING TO COMFORT JESSICA

AND HER MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?

YEAH, JESSICA'S A GOLD DIGGER, BUT I'M A GOLD DIGGER DIGGER.

SO HOW DID YOU AND MR. NEWPORT MEET?

- WELL, I WAS DOING A RIBBON CUTTING AT THE HOSPITAL.

AND HE WAS THERE BECAUSE HIS BLOOD DOESN'T WORK.

AND WE STARTED TALKING.

AND THEN I REALIZED WHO HE WAS.

OH, MY GOSH. IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.