Two and a Half Men

Previously on:

So, what have you been up to?

I started a new software company

with my old partner Billy Stanhope.

You really think we can finally build the electric suitcase?

Yes. We have the technology now.

Something you should know.

It's about your ex-wife.

What, Bridget?

Yeah. I'm, uh...

kind of sleeping with her.

What? Wait! Hey!

Morning.

It's 2:00 p.m.

So?

It's Saturday; I slept in.

It's Sunday.

Really?

That's disturbing.

So what did you do last night that you had to sleep all day?

One thing at a time.

I'm still trying to figure out what happened to Saturday.

Jake, you're gonna graduate high school in a few days.

Don't you think it's time

to start getting your life together?

I will if you will.

What?

I will certainly consider that, Father.

This is serious.

You will never amount to anything if you sleep all day.

Morning.

I'm sorry, I was distracted

by the naked billionaire that just woke up.

Shut up and eat your damn cereal.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Man, I did not think Jeremy was ever gonna stop talking.

Yeah.

That guy really puts the "dict" in "valedictorian."

Thinks he's so great just 'cause he's going to Harvard.

Where is Harvard anyway?

Dude, didn't you learn anything in high school?

It's the capital of Connecticut.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Harvard, Connecticut.

What'd you think was the capital of Connecticut?

"C."

You're an idiot.

I don't know why I hang out with you.

'Cause you're gay.

Well, what does that make you?

Attractive.

So are your parents giving you a hard time about your "future"?

Oh, yeah.

Both my mom and my dad.

I'm sick of hearing it.

Yeah. "If you're not going to college, you need to get a job."

Where do they get this stuff?

Beats me.

So what are we gonna do?

About what?

Our future.

Oh.

I could go for some frozen yogurt.

Good idea, man.

Let's go.

Should we take our robes off?

No, no, leave them on.

They'll attract smart chicks.

Come on, Judith. He's your son too.

I have videotape of him shooting out of your body.

Yes, I've talked to him

about his lack of plans, but it's like talking to a wall.

A very good-natured, but dense wall.

Of course I'm concerned, but what do you want me to do?

No, I'm not gonna ask Walden to give him a job.

Because it would be an imposition.

Yes, more of an imposition than me living there for free.

Okay, okay, if it'll get you to shut up, I'll ask him.

She's never gonna shut up.

Okay, okay.

Good-bye, Judith.

I am so thankful I have you in my life.

What about my son?

What about him?

You're gonna ask Walden for a job for Jake, but not Eldridge?

Of course not.

I was just gonna hold Eldridge back to sweeten the deal.

I have a question.

What?

Why didn't you order adjustable chairs?

I did.

Mine's adjustable.

Well, wait.

How'd you do that?

This lever right here.

I don't have a lever.

Hmm?

Well, that's too bad, you being so short and all.

You did this to get back at me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

For sleeping with your ex-wife.

Do you really think that I am so petty

that I would pay a chair manufacturer an extra $480

to remove the adjustable height feature?

That is crazy talk.

How's everything down there at the Lollipop Guild?

Hey, guys.

Am I interrupting?

Hey, Alan.

Just thought I'd bring you by

a little office-warming dieffenbachia.

Ah, thank you.

Looks like you got the place up and running.

We're getting there.

Electric Suitcase, Inc.

Very, very impressive.

What can I do for you?

Oh, nothing. I just came to drop off my gift

and wish you well.

Okay.

Okay, well, I'll get out of your hair.

Uh, nice to see you again.

Yep. Always a thrill.

Oh, there is one thing.

Here we go. Here we go.

Um, you know Jake just graduated high school.

Oh, hey, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the ceremony.

Oh, don't be silly. No one expected you to.

You know what? Here...

why don't you give this to him for me.

Ooh, a hundred dollars.

I will make sure he gets this.

What? I-I don't even know the kid.

Oh, of course not.

Um, anyway, I was just wondering, um,

since you've started this exciting venture

and obviously you're hiring,

that there might be an opportunity here for Jake.

He's not going to college?

Not unless he's delivering pizzas.

Uh, probably true,

but he has a good heart,

and I'm afraid if I can't find him a decent job,

he might have to sell it.

Okay, listen, Alan, I'm sorry.

I-I like Jake,

but I just don't think we have anything for him here.

Oh, oh, okay.

I understand. You know, he's just my kid.

Our future. But, um,

but thanks anyway.

Oh, wait, wait. Hold it, hold it.

Yeah? Yeah?

Does he know anything about computers at all?

Not per se, but he is eager to learn.

He's like a sponge when it comes to soaking up information.

No, he isn't.

Will you at least give me the sponge part?

Yeah, if you lay him on a wet spot,

he might absorb liquid.

Why are you being such a jerk, man?

Let's give the boy a shot.

Billy,

I've seen this kid spend an entire afternoon

smoking dope and trying to lick his own nipples.

Who amongst us hasn't... done...

Look, we will... we will take him on, okay?

Billy... He'll be my responsibility.

Oh, thank you so much. You will not regret it.

Yes, you will. I will send him right over.

Oh, one more thing,

uh, my girlfriend's son needs a job too,

but you're gonna love him, he's...

blonde. Bye.

Okay, I'm telling you right now,

this is a bad idea.

How did you do that?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, fellas...

this is the heart and soul

of The Electric Suitcase.

300 state of the art,

high bandwidth servers

all working in tandem.

Cool. Awesome.

Any questions so far?

Uh, yeah. Is there a cafeteria

or do we order in?

There's a cafeteria on the 14th floor.

Oh. Cool. I got a question.

Yes?

Do they have donuts?

Was I lying?

I don't know if I have donuts.

That's okay. It's not a deal-breaker.

Glad to hear it.

Uh, okay, guys...

all you have to do between now